Thoughtless Poem

'Tis a dangerous thing

When I sit to write

Not having a thing to say

No story to tell

No gripe to air

No insight to brighten your day

No picture to show

No comic to steal

No tale from my long-buried past

No print ad to tweak

No headline to skewer

Nothing to leave you aghast

'Tis risky, I say

To just let words flow

Unfiltered, straight out of my brain

That's surely the time

The world will find out

I'm kinda  -  a little  -  insane

E.R. Visit Almost Killed Me

Going to a hospital's emergency room is supposed to help a person, right?

I mean...really...the whole "first, do no harm" opening phrase of the Hippocratic Oath applies in the E.R., doesn't it?

I have to ask, because I took Beloved to our local emergency room last month and I almost didn't walk out alive.

The catalyst for the visit was Beloved's right eye that had declared war on her. Could have been an abrasion from trying to get a foreign object out (those durn foreigners!). Could have been a viral infection like what causes cold sores. For all anybody knows, it could have been a Communist plot to influence the next election.

Whatever the cause, I was there solely for moral and transportational support. I shouldn't have been in any danger.

Shouldn't have been...however...

I almost had an aneurysm as my brain tried to sort itself out from a series of loops and spins because of a single statement made by the resident eye doctor: "I usually mispronounce things wrong."

Observed Absurdities™ 32 - Toilet Tissue Issue

I've a COUPLE problems with this note that was taped to the back of the rest room stall I recently visited...

1)   I don't know about you, but I generally tend to flush things OUT of a toilet. When it comes to things going INTO a toilet, I might toss, drop, deposit, or plunk...but I definitely don't flush.

2)   Only toilet paper , eh? Well see...um...what the farnsworth am I supposed to do with the reason I visited the toilet to begin with?!!??

You've Almost Got a Friend

With apologies to Carole King (and James Taylor)...

♫♪♪♫ 
When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothin'...oh nothin' is goin' right
Quitcher belly achin'
No one really cares
To hear you
Whining all through the night

When you call out my name
My stomach turns into a knot
I get nauseous
When you're in a spot 
Summer, fall, winter, and spring
You always want the same old thing:
"Gimme more! Gimme more! Gimme more!"
But I will not

If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
That's nothin' that nobody else has seen
The world isn't ending
And it's not ganging up on you
So grow up
Stop bein' a drama queen

When you call out my name
My stomach turns into a knot
I get nauseous
When you're in a spot 
Summer, fall, winter, and spring
You always want the same old thing:
"Gimme more! Gimme more! Gimme more!"

Hey, you need to know the meal train has stopped
Start using your own two feet
If I'm lyin'
I'm dyin'
I've cut you off, just forget it
If not, you'll regret it

If you call out my name
One more time, I'll give you a shot
You'll be needing
A burial plot
Summer, fall, winter, and spring
You always want the same old thing:
"Gimme more! Gimme more! Gimme more!"
But I will not

No, I will not
Let's just get this straight
I simply will not

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

You want to watch a performance of this?

https://youtu.be/cfrAIR6T5e4

Or just listen to it?

https://soundcloud.com/deweyroth/youve-almost-got-a-friend

P.S.

ANYONE IN MINNESOTA...

Next week is the Dakota County Fair. Plan now to come enjoy the DAKOTA CHAUTAUQUA. I hope to see you there! https://www.facebook.com/DakotaChautauqua/

25 Randumb Things About Me

1. I love--and earnestly miss--Skyline Chili. 

2. I play guitar just well enough to make people want to drown it out by singing loudly. 

3. I have moved to a different place of residence 14 times. 

4. My first acting gig was in a third grade production of "Sleeping Beauty." I rode a broomstick horse around the gym and took a pin out of the princess' finger...kissing was too gross to contemplate. 

5. I no longer think kissing is gross. 

6. I am hopelessly devoted to my b.e.a.yootiful wife, who I call "Beloved." 

7. Lions are inspiring...the female makes the kill and the male gets to eat...cool! 

8. I first fell in love with lions while reading "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe," where the lion, Aslan, ably represents Jesus. 

9. My around-the-house skills are abysmal. 

10. I dribbled salsa on my shirt AND pants at lunch today. 

11. It's pretty hard to embarrass me, and yet I blush easily whenever my manager second-guesses something I've done. Basic insecurity? 

12. Jesus is the rock and He rolls my blues away. 

13. I like the way I look with a shaved head, but Beloved isn't all that fond of it, so I only shave my head when needed for an acting gig. 

14. I've published a book, Almost the Truth About Youth Ministry: Salesmen, Secretaries, and Smart Alecks, and I shamelessly promote it when I can...hint, hint: http://www.lulu.com/content/1236345 or amazon.com. 

15. Sometimes I tear up when I think about how my four kids are so cool and always have a good time when they're together, which is far too seldom anymore. 

16. My dad's name is Clarence E. Roth, but the "E" doesn't stand for anything. 

17. I've been to Panama on mission trips three times, and Mexico twice. 

18. I like playing bongos and other hand percussion instruments during worship better than playing guitar and singing. 

19. My first paying gig as an actor was for the 1999 Dakota County Chautauqua, commemorating the 150th birthday of Dakota County, Minnesota. That was the first of 7 summers spent preparing and performing the DCC...and now this summer is the 6th year of the revival of said Dakota Chautauqua. (For more info, CLICK HERE.)

20. I laugh easily...too easily in some people's opinion, I'm sure...some people need to lighten up. 

21. My middle name is Alvin, which was almost going to be my dad's name. I wonder if he's really glad they named him Clarence instead? 

22. The invention of blue jeans is proof that God wants us to wear pants. 

23. Papa Murphy's all-meat pizza is the reason why pizza was delivered unto mankind. 

24. I started getting bald when I was still in college. 

25. I'm so desperate for material to post that I stole this list from a Facebook note I wrote eight years ago.

Observed Absurdities™ 31 - This Is Inspiring?

Faithful reader and frequent player of #TheMorningGames, T-Girl Notta HagOrMan, recently passed along a link to a kinda strange place on the WorldWideWackfest, InspiroBot.me.

Go there, and you can generate seemingly random (but more often, randumb) "inspirational" sayings, coupled with pictures...you know, like those sappy posters your American Lit teacher used to have hanging in her classroom.

Well...I went there...and the results were more absurd than profound...BEHOLD.

This would make more sense if the picture was of a boxer.

I may not be understanding this, but doesn't this fly in the face of John Lennon's "There's nothing you can do that can't be done; nothing you can sing that can't be sung"?

Only if you're ignoring a crowd of warriors.

That's rather pessimistic, don't you think?

NOW you're talking sense!

Uh...well...gotta admit you're correct there.

Dorothyize the Movies

You know how if you repeat a word often enough, it seems to lose its meaning and start sounding like just nonsense syllables?

Yeah, well, that happened to me when I was experiencing the alphabetized version of The Wizard of Oz that I told you about in last week's post. Dorothy's name became, in my ears, a laughable, nonsensical blurting of consonants and vowels.

So...consider what follows as my mind's twisted attempt to restore meaning to Dorothy's name by inserting it into popular movie titles and imagining what the plot would be.

• Dorothy Gale and the Sorcerer's Stone  -  A Kansas farm girl finds out she wasn't being truthful when she said, "I'm not a witch at all."
• Cool Hand Dorothy  -  In prison for killing two green-skinned sisters, Dorothy learns that "what he have here is...failure to properly douse a fire."
• Indiana Dorothy and the Last Crusade  -  While searching for a way back to Kansas, Doctor Gale has to decide whether she truly believes there's no place like home.
• The Dorothy Redemption  -  Our favorite heroine escapes the Wicked Witch of the West's castle by digging a tunnel and hiding it behind a poster of Clark Gable.

• Dorothy Club  -  "The first rule of Dorothy Club is..."
• It's a Wonderful Dorothy  -  A flying monkey shows Dorothy what Oz would be like if she had never dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the East.
• The Lion Dorothy  -  Uncle Henry kills Dorothy's father so he can take over the farm. Thinking she's guilty, Dorothy flees to Oz and dyes her eyes to match her gown. Hakuna Munchtata!
• Star Wars: A New Dorothy  -  Miss Gale is swept into a galaxy-sized conflict between the technologically-superior Winkies and a rag-tag group of Munchkins.
• Star Wars: The Farmer Strikes Back  -  Uncle Henry cuts off Dorothy's hand.
• Star Wars: The Return of the Dorothy  -  Dorothy cuts off Uncle Henry's hand.
• Dorothy Gump  -  Running and ping pong and AIDS, oh my!