Almost the News XIII

E. Coli Fatal to 10 is Tied to Vegetables
...a fitting punishment indeed.

Man Gets Prison for Growing Pot
Wait...they're giving away prisons to pot-growers now? Talk about a white elephant gift! 

Ex-Tijuana Mayor Held in Guns Case
Hope they drilled an air hole for the little guy. 

Texas Negates Twins' Recent Strides
In a bold mixture of state autonomy and government health care, the physical therapy that recently helped conjoined twins, Kanga and Roo Hu, to be able to walk was officially poo-pooed by the Lone Star state.

Blagojevich Grilled During His Retrial
The judge had a cheese-brat, and the prosecuting attorney, unfortunately, got some barbecue sauce on his vest. Nevertheless, they were both heard to say, "Rod really knows his charcoal!" 

St. Croix Bridge Faces Fall Deadline
It needs to collapse by next Tuesday...or else. 

Twin Cities Man May Have Been Somali Suicide Bomber
I reserve the right to be wrong, but I'm pretty sure this should have been stated the other way around.

LowerMyExpectations.com

Recently, while I was waiting for a crossword-based game that shall remain nameless to finish loading on FaceBook, the following advertisement appeared in the margin (as all good FaceBook advertisements are want to do).

Every fiber of my proofreading body was personally offended by what I saw.

"CALIFORNIA Driver Are Being Ripped Off By Not Using This One Ridiculously Easy Trick"

I've got a news flash for LowerMyBills.com...YOU are being ripped off by a copywriter who can't compose a simple English sentence.

As if I'm going to trust my car insurance dollars to this company. I can only imagine what happens when you try to file a claim: "We sorry that you're policy does not covers the type of lost describes in you're claime."

It looks like Artie is in a funk...

...and rightly so.

It's bad enough this picture from the 1975 Grammy awards preserves forever Mr. Garfunkel's fashion faux pas of a tuxedo t-shirt...apparently, he's not too happy about being the only one who had to stand by the cadaver.

Thanks to 22words.com for bringing this gem to my attention.

4 8 15 16 23 42

For people who are missing the television experiment in exquisite frustration that was LOST, the title of this post holds wonderful memories. For the rest of you: 

1) What?!!? Do you live in a cave?!!?
2) Fret not, what follows should hold the same amount of deep meaning for you as it does for Losties...which is to say, little to none.

A game that some folks enamored with the series have played is to use these omenesque numbers in conjunction with the different books that were referenced on the show. Being at a loss for anything else to post in this space, I thought it might be fun to give it a try.

Being unable to find my copy of Watership Down, I decided to use another touchstone of popular culture, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

So...the idea is to discover a meaningful message in the first word on each of the pages: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42. Here we go: Past with no gingerly on shake 

Okay, that didn't work out so well. Maybe it should be the 4th word on page 4, the 8th word on page 8...Daylight it out the what missed

Ummmm...the last word on each page? It Dumbledore Hagrid gone the room

That's a little closer to something. How about inverting things and taking the 42nd word of page 4, the 23rd word of page 8...Morning he all to you shake

I know...I must have just chosen the wrong touchstone of popular culture. Let's try the final book in the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

1st words: Be your daily remembered exclusively Dudley

4/4, 8/8, etc.: The I upsurge charity a the 

Last words: Though table he more remarks son (Hmmm...this may be secretly hinting that Harry's father is actually a piece of furniture, but I doubt it.)

Inversion: We as of of inside himself

Okay, okay...maybe the book choice was weak. Let's go with the best-selling book of all time, the Bible. There is a multitude of translations/versions/editions, but I'll go with the copy I've got closest...yes, I'm just that lazy.

1st words: Then but Shechem between but I

4/4, 8/8, etc.: Of of and is the we

Last words: Taken ground strife country day them (Hmmm, Part Two...some foreshadowing of strife in the Middle East, perhaps?)

Inversion: The righteous the brothers his God

Look up the word awesome. I think the last phrase is in the definition.

Almost the News XII

Tax Breaks Dwarf Deficit

A newly-approved tax has brought an end to the decades-long shortage of little people (no pun intended...kind of).

Masseur Accused of Touching Woman

Ummmmm...isn't that what she was paying him to do?

Medtronic Taps CEO with Global Viewpoint

Depending on how hard they tapped him, that could leave quite a bruise.

After Flat Tire, Woman Hit by Car

...as if being hit by a flat tire wasn't bad enough.

Teen Found After Abduction Report

Apparently, the people searching for the abduction report had better skills than those who were searching for the teen.

Funeral Set After Firefighter's Death

...which makes a whole lot more sense than setting it before the firefighter's death.

Observed Absurdities™ 2 - For Your Throne Room

This was passed along by Queen CanDo, and is so absurd it hardly needs any commentary.

An ad for the REGIO toilet by INAX:

Fit for a king

For those who insist on the highest level of comfort and style, the REGIO toilet by INAX is so much more than just a toilet. REGIO's comfort technologies transform the bathroom into a personal spalike escape. Soft LED lights set the mood, relaxing music melts away stress, an automatic lid uncovers a heated seat, and there's even a dual-nozzle bidet. The Zenlike minimal design is available in brilliant white ($5,900) and black ($7, 350). inax-usa.com

I can't help but be curious...

1) What the sam hill is a comfort technology?

2) Just what kind of mood am I supposed to be in, and how is soft lighting supposed to help me get there?

3) Is anyone besides me just a teensy bit nervous about a possible malfunction of the seat heater?

4) Why would anyone within spitting distance of a right mind spend almost six thousand dollars for a toilet with a mechanical lid and an iPod?

5) And why, oh why, does a black one cost $1,450 more than a white one? Is there that much of a difference in supply and demand for the black ones?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

This is just my personal opinion...and I reserve the right to be wrong...but I'm pretty sure that anyone who would lay out this kind of dough-re-mi for a toilet should be shaken out of his or her Zenlike trance, taken behind the servants' quarters and horse-whipped...with a real horse.

Observed Absurdities™ 1 - An Ounce of Prevention Pounded by the Cure

Every once in a while, a good-hearted reader of Almost the Truth will bring to my attention something that he or she deems worthy of my brand of skewering. Every once in a greater while than that, I agree with him or her.


Behold...


ActorBoy brought the wonders of Uloric® to the table. To quote its ad: "Gout's root cause is high uric acid. If you have gout, high uric acid can lead to more attacks. To help reduce attacks, lower your uric acid."


So far so good. The logic is irrefutable: Gout=high uric acid. Lower uric acid=no gout.

To continue with the ad: "ULORIC can help. ULORIC is clinically proven to help lower uric acid to a healthy level."


Yippee-skippy! All is right with the world! However...let's take a look at the ever-popular list of possible side-effects, and I quote: "The most common side effects of ULORIC are liver problems, nausea, gout flares, joint pain, and rash."


Please notice that one of the side effects of the medicine designed to relieve gout is flare ups of gout.


How successful do you think Bayer® would have ever been if they had said, "Got a headache? Take Bayer Aspirin. But, hey, yeah...in the interest of full disclosure, we feel we should warn you that taking aspirin might make your head hurt."