If the Monkees Were Crime Fighters

 

Admittedly, it doesn't take much for my mind to go flying off on a tangent.

Case in point, this picture and the notion that Mike, Mickey, Davey, and Peter decided to write songs about their cooperative relationship with Batman and Commissioner Gordon.

Hey Hey You're Arrested: Here we come, patrollin' on your street. We get full confessions from everyone we meet.

Last Train to Sing Sing: Take the last train to Sing Sing, you'll be serving ten to twenty.

I'm a Detective: I thought crime was only done in alleyways. Then, to someone else but not to me.

(I'm Not Your) Alibi: You tried to say you spent the night inside my house. But everybody knows that you are not my spouse. I won't speak up for you; I'm quiet as a mouse. The jury's findin' out your just a lying louse!

Crime Scene Believer: You once thought of me as a doughnut-eating geek; now you know how clever I can be. Cause I find prints in thin air and some DNA to spare. How many clues do we really need?

Pleasant Precinct Sunday: The local rock group gets hauled in for making music that's too loud. And Mr. Green, he makes the scene to get a permit for the crowd.

Observed Absurdities™ 60 - This Is a Public Service Announcement

 

Not everything that manages to make its way past the watchful eyes of the Food and Drug Administration is necessarily safe or recommended for human consumption.

I know this, because of what I found on the shelves of a nearby convenience store.

There it was, innocently standing beside the REAL SUGAR version of Mountain Dew^® and the nectar of the gods known as Dr Pepper & Cream Soda. To the untrained eye, it looked like just another soft drink, waiting to infuse you with caffeine and empty your wallet.

But wait a minute...

What's that say?

"Mtn Dew Fruit Quake: DEW^® with a Blast of Artificial Fruitcake Flavor" 

I'm pretty sure there aren't a lot of people who like REAL fruitcake, let alone any actual human beings who have been longing for some ARTIFICIAL fruitcake flavor in their Mountain Dew^®.

"You know what would make this practically flavorless bottle of high-fructose corn syrup even more disgusting? The flavor of a bread-brick and dried fruit!"

Run.

Do not walk.

Away.

Far, far away.

Visible Vapor and Carbon Particles Suspended Above Transparent, Odorless, Tasteless Liquid: The 426th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water" is famous for telling the true story of how "some stupid with a flare gun" burned down the concert venue at the casino in Montreux, Switzerland, during a Frank Zappa concert in 1971.

It was a good era in which to sing about how a song came to be. I can't imagine anything written about current record-producing efforts becoming a hit:

"ProTools Is My Savior"

"Check Out This Riff I Heard Somewhere"

"My Uncle Owns the Studio"

"I Hit One Note/The Rest Is Computer Enhancement"

"Artificial Intelligence Is My Writing Partner"

"I'm the Lead Singer Because I Fit the Costume"

"We Spent a Month Customizing the Software"

Stuph That Has No Reason Being In My Head, Vol. I

 

In Gilligan's Island, Skipper's legal name was Jonas Grumby.

Before the invention of the light bulb, the average American slept ten hours a night.

Even 40 years later, the finale of M*A*S*H is still the most-watched episode of any series.

In the radio version of Have Gun - Will Travel, the Chinese manservant, Hey Boy, was played in all its stereotypical glory ("You velly, velly rucky...") by British actor, Ben Wright, who also did the voice of Prince Eric's caretaker, Grimsby, in The Little Mermaid and was the head Nazi in The Sound of Music.

If we think of the Milky Way galaxy as being the size of the entire continent of North America, our solar system would fit into a coffee cup.

The lovely and talented actress Ashley Judd is the daughter of country music singer Naomi Judd and half-sister to Wynonna Judd.

There are 86,400 seconds in a day.

The hashtag symbol (#) is officially called an octothorpe.

Lincoln Logs were invented by the son of the famous architect, Frank Lloyd Wright.

Some cats are allergic to people. (And who could blame them?)

This Ain't Patrick's Day

 

March 17th: A day on which Americans commemorate the death of a Roman missionary named Patrick by drinking excessively and putting green dye in all their food.

But wait! That's not all!

There are so many worthy causes and favorite foods and things to celebrate that the day can't be reserved just for the Irish-at-heart. There are other things going on...

Red Nose Day began in 1986 as an offshoot of Comic Relief and is a fundraiser for the clown-care organization, Remember Emmett Did Nothing Overtly Serious Ever (REDNOSE). See Emmett Kelly.

Even though corned beef, or any beef for that matter, probably wasn't part of the historical Irish diet, March 17th has become National Corned Beef and Cabbage Day, much to the chagrin of discerning noses (red or otherwise).

World Sleep Day attempts to increase awareness and empathy for the 50-70 million people who have some type of sleeping disorder. Organized by a special committee of the World Sleep Society, the day began with a group of health professionals and providers who were studying sleep medicine and sleep research...which would be enough to put ME to sleep. The number one way suggested to celebrate World Sleep Day is to take a nap. Sign me up!

Suffolk County, Massachusetts and the public schools in Somerville Massachusetts celebrate Evacuation Day, which has nothing to do with cleaning out one's digestive tract and everything to do with the British being run out of Boston in 1776.

Doctor Patient Trust Day celebrates the creation of financial stability for medical professionals.

Aaaaaand ironically enough, we are all being forced to participate in the National Day of Action Against Bullying and Violence.

Bono Made It Up and It Shows: The 427th Greatest Song of All Time

 

U2's first song to hit the Top 100 in America, "New Year's Day," has lyrics that, according to Rolling Stone, Bono made up on the spot: "We improvise, and the things that came out, I let them come out," he said.

Songfacts.com says, "The lyrics refer to the movement for solidarity led by Lech Walesa in Poland. After this was recorded, Poland announced they would abolish martial law, coincidentally on New Year's Day, 1983."

Bono says that's remarkable.

I read these lyrics and say, "You're full of hooey. They have nothing to do with Poland."

All is quiet on New Year's Day

A world in white gets underway

I want to be with you

Be with you night and day

Nothing changes on New Year's Day

On New Year's Day

I will be with you again

I will be with you again

Under a blood-red sky

A crowd has gathered in black and white

Arms entwined, the chosen few

The newspaper says, says

Say it's true, it's true

And we can break through

Though torn in two

We can be one

I...I will begin again

I...I will begin again

Oh...Maybe the time is right

Oh...maybe tonight

I will be with you again

I will be with you again

And so we're told this is the golden age

And gold is the reason for the wars we wage

Though I want to be with you

Be with you night and day

Nothing changes

On New Year's Day

On New Year's Day

On New Year's Day

The "under a blood-red sky" verse particularly reeks of singing words off the top of one's head:

Under a blood-red sky

A crowd has gathered in black and white

Arms entwined, the chosen few

The newspaper says, says

Say it's true, it's true

And we can break through

Though torn in two

And wet with dew

We'll cook some stew

'Till the sky turns blue

So we won't have to chew

Or use any glue

Or ask a Jew to change his hue

Because he doesn't have a clue

Where's the nearest loo?

Cows have to moo and I have to poo

But that's nothing new ...

Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.

Stage Kissing

 

I recently took a trip down memory lane...thinking about my long and varied history in both community and semi-professional theater.

At one time or another, I've been a pompous king, a groveling peasant, an evil surgeon, a fairy godmother, a French puppeteer, a clownish disciple, a stranded brother, a British pickpocket, a German etiquette instructor, a comical conman, an over-the-hill hillbilly, a fearful fiance, an overly-cheerful radio star, a Civil War amputee, a World War II general, the inventor of the handled grocery bag, a locust-hunting governor, a pioneer preacher, a soon-to-be-slaughtered pig, and even a singing and dancing dog.

Out of all those roles (and many others), there have been only two theatrical productions in which my character has kissed another performer:
       1. Johnathan Harker in Dracula
       2. Tony in The Boyfriend

Tony's kiss of Polly was a highly-stylized, poo-poo-peedoo farce that I had forgotten about until I started writing the previous paragraph. (Sorry, Vickie.)

It is the kiss in Dracula that prompted this post and practically put me off pecking permanently.

I was a freshman in high school. I was fairly shy around girls that I had any interest in. I was not a greatly experienced kisser by any means.

All of which is to say that I was nervous when it came time to rehearse The Kiss.

We said our lines. I started leaning in. I quickly licked my lips. The second our lips met, my co-star backed away, wiping her mouth and saying, "You don't have to slobber all over me!"

I honestly don't remember if I was given a chance to redeem myself or if we took the kiss out of the performances, but I'll never forget that moment of humiliation.

To this day, I'm amazed that I ever helped create four children.