Wasted Words: The 442nd Greatest Song of All Time

 

In September of 1957, Little Richard released the song "Keep A-Knockin'." It spent 18 weeks on the charts and got up to Number 8.

It's a short song. The recording clocks in at two minutes and sixteen seconds.

However...

It's amazing the song goes on for even that long, seeing as how there are only three phrases sung in the whole thing:

       1. Keep a-knockin' but you can't come in
       2. You said you love me but you can't come in
       3. Come back tomorrow night and try it again

Sure, those words are sung over and over (and over), but that is the total content of the song's message. No glimmer of hope that the situation will change whatsoever; no promise of a future together; no hint that things are gonna get better.

Could have saved everybody a lot of time and effort by just saying, "Beat it."

But that would have stolen Michael Jackson's thunder, I suppose.

This Is All There Is, There Ain't No More

 

Updated update: Now the truth can be told.

With so little left in the world to laugh about, I have found it increasingly difficult to come up with worthy additions to this blog's long and storied history.

It all started on December 24, 2007. When the first post was posted here, it was mostly an attempt to establish a Web presence for the title of my then-soon-to-be-self-published book, ALMOST THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUTH MINISTRY: Salesmen, Secretaries, and Smart Alecks.

There was enough of an initial response to encourage me to keep going. Little did those fools know that I would pull an Energizer Bunny on them and just... keep... going!

Over 14 years later, though, and it's time to say so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu.

This outlet has never "gone viral," gotten popular, or gained much traction at all. The click-bait-titled "Pictures Inappropriate for History Books!" has proven to be the most popular post ever posted, but it didn't result in very many new subscribers.

Let's just say that I'm grateful for the handful of faithful readers, but I've come to the realization that I'm expending far too much energy for far too little return. Almost the Truth Publishing's purpose statement, "If laughter is the best medicine, ALMOST THE TRUTH™ exists to heal the world," is all well and good, but I'm just too tired to keep trying.

So get out there and create your own happiness and humor. Laughter is where you find it and, similar to beauty, in the slightly-twisted mind of the beholder.

Observed Absurdities™ 55 - A Step Beyond "Butthead"

 

A couple months ago, when people were still mostly masking up and the world was longing for a return to what might pass for normal, I was browsing through the aisles of my local drugstore and passed a display for face shields specifically designed for children to wear.

I've never been a big fan of the "poop emoji." I just think it's gross. I don't get why people think it's a cute response to anything.

That being said, imagine my absolute befuddlement at seeing the following design choice for a child's face shield:

The parent who buys this for their kid...did they ever really want children??!?

Observed Absurdities™ 54 - Possibly NSFW

 

When in the need of a little chuckle, I suggest heading over to Facebook Marketplace to behold the wonders for sale there.

So...um...if you buy some ready-made carpentry work from HomeDepot, they give you a virtual apron? Like an apron meme, or what?

Why is this picture attached to a notice for a house being for rent? Is she the landlord? Is she the reason the people who own the house are leaving for a whole month?

Two things:

       1) Do they seriously think someone will pay $50 for a single Cheetoh?

       2) I guess it kind of looks like an ax, but my mind is twisted enough to rotate it clockwise 90 degrees and think it looks like something that shouldn't be printed in a family-friendly humor blog.

Fan Theory About the 443rd Greatest Song of All Time

 

Bob Marley and the Wailers wrote it, but Eric Clapton had the hit with it...and we have yet to truly understand what Sheriff Brown had against Bob.

The long-standing nature of the feud sung about in "I Shot the Sheriff" is right there in the first verse:

Sheriff John Brown always hated me

For what I don't know

Every time that I plant a seed

He said, "Kill it before it grows."

Here's my twisted theory: The singer got the sheriff's daughter pregnant and the sheriff demanded that his daughter have an abortion.

There's no way to know whether the pregnancy was terminated, but apparently, the singer had had enough of the whole situation and decided to claim his freedom and leave town...which the sheriff, for some reason, opposed...and it all ended badly:

Freedom came my way one day

And I started out of town

All of a sudden I see sheriff John Brown

Aiming to shoot me down

So I shot, I shot him down

Still no word on who shot the deputy or why.

If This Is True, What's Baby Powder Made Of?

 

Got to spend the day with SkittleKid and MrSquishy the other day.

I took the opportunity to introduce them to the first and finest animated adventure series ever, Jonny Quest. The timing was perfect. SkittleKid is 10, and I remember watching Jonny Quest when I was 10, sitting in the lobby of the hospital where SweaterGal had just given birth to BabySister...because that was back in the day when visiting hours were strict and mere children were not allowed to visit anybody in the hospital anyway.

The grandsons had an appropriate level of interest and respect for the non-computer, yet highly-detailed graphics, and they even were smart enough to be annoyed with Bandit's constant yapping.

After lunch, they started playing demolition derby with several of the toy cars that reside at our house. While discussing who won and how, they mentioned a banana truck.

Me: Banana truck?

SkittleKid: Yeah, it's full of bananas.

Me: Does that mean the dump truck is full of...dump?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

I couldn't even get the sentence all the way out before we all collapsed in decidedly immature laughter.

I love being a grampa.

Almost the News XXIII

 

Real headlines. Almosted stories.

City Appoints First Woman as Mayor
In the first political use of time travel, the city council in Eden, North Carolina has replaced the late Mayor Bubba Rotunda with Eve.

Police Chief to Retire
In a show of solidarity with the city's grease monkeys, police chief Hiredtu Katchem changed the tires on all the squad cars.

MPD Training Video Under Fire
In this breaking news, a VHS tape used to train Minneapolis police officers is currently trapped in an alley while being shot at.

6 Charged in Organized Mass Thefts on Black Friday
In a special Black Friday session, the 6 thieves who stole several well-planned masses were electrocuted.

Shooting Survivors Expand Suit Against School
In a dizzying display of quantum physics, a matching set of pants and jacket that is leaning on Oxford High School is growing larger every time an episode of the television series Survivor is shot.