You never know what might happen when SweetCheeks and I are together and somebody hits RECORD. Like 98.7% of females under the age of 32, Granddaughter SweetCheeks has had "Let It Go" (from the Disney film, Below 32 Degrees) memorized for quite some time. In fact, we had just sung it together when she decided she wanted to do a different song for the camera.
And so, in the Christmas spirit of gift-giving, let me present my off-the-cuff parody, "Do You Want to Melt a Snowman?"
It's the most wonderful time of the year; the hap-happiest season of all; and yet... When else but Christmas would you ever hear a musical reenactment of something very close to a sexual assault? No, seriously...have you ever paid attention to the words of Baby, It's Cold Outside? Written by Frank Loesser in 1944, and winning the Oscar for Best Original Song, Baby is a confrontational conversation between someone wanting to hold on to their virtue and someone...well...not so interested in moral purity - characterized in the original printed score as Mouse and Wolf.
Try to hold in your outrage as the Wolf subtly manipulates the Mouse into a resistance-wrecking state of insobriety. I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry Well maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there Are we talking roofies?!? I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell I'll take your hat, your coat, your shoes, etc., etc. I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride The old Don't You Feel Sorry For Me ploy, eh? I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out Ahh, but it's cold outside I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that stormTrying to scare the Mouse into staying My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so deliciousFlattery might get you somewhere My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips are delicious Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me You see? Now it's the Mouse's fault! There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died I really can't stay - Get over that hold outGoing in for the kill. Time to seal the deal. Ahh, but it's cold outside And if you're interested, here's the original version from the film Neptune's Daughter, featuring Ricardo Montalban, Esther Williams, Red Skelton, and Betty Garrett:
Look! Out on the WorldWideWackfest! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's the exact opposite of an earlier post about removing a letter to create a new movie!
The Godfarther - An organized crime boss wins an idol-tossing competition.
The Empire Strikes Black - A massive power outage on Tatooine
Raiders of the Lost Park - Indiana Jones searches for a playground in Atlantis.
Slaving Private Ryan - Human trafficking during World War II
The Green Smile - Documentary about extreme dental cases
Black to the Future - Eddie Murphy experiences time travel.
Dine Hard - A New York cop can't get a reservation in an L.A. restaurant.
12 Hangry Men - A judge refuses to feed a jury until they come up with a verdict.
The Good, the Bard, and the Ugly - A mysterious man, a petty thief, and William Shakespeare set off to find a pot of gold.
This Is Spinal Tape - Instructional video on new surgical closure technologies
Walk the Liner - The biography of a boy who delivers makeup
Some Like It Shot - Not everyone prefers large glasses of alcohol.
Jawas - The secret life of droid scavengers
Troy Story - An animated retelling of the Trojan Horse
Rebar Window - A man confined to a wheelchair watches life from his prison cell.
Singing in the Train - A big musical set in the subway
Jurassic Spark - The creation of fire
The Princess Bridge - The royal dentist saves a smile.
Gone with the Wined - A group of drunken friends gets lost.
Stare Trek - Exploring the universe without blinking
Return of Them Jedi - The Force awakens in Kentucky.
Grandsons have a way of keeping one's ego in check. And one's sense of reality finely tuned. Almost recently, our oldest child, AngelFace, was having a discussion with her youngest son, MisterSquishy, about her new haircut. They were commenting on how it was shorter and how it curved around her face.
This led to a general discussion about how everybody has hair. AngelFace: Does Daddy have hair? MisterSquishy: Yes! AngelFace: Do you have hair? MisterSquishy: Yes! AngelFace: Does Grampa Dewey have hair? MisterSquishy: [Scrunching up his face and tilting his head sideways] Not that much.
...women want you to pick the restaurant to go to, as long as it's not the first three you mention? ...at four-way stops, people act like they want you to go first until you actually start moving? ...coffee can taste so good in my mouth but look so nasty on my shirt?
...those nights when you're really, really tired are the same nights you can't get to sleep...and have to be up early the next morning? ...the phrases "right on" and "left off" have nothing to do with each other? ...there is no discernible difference between Strawberry Twizzlers and Cherry Twizzlers? ...there is no discernible difference between Twizzlers and rubber tubing?
Here we are...the Friday after the election. The ballots are tallied. The celebrants and the mourners have all gone home. Almost half the nation is thinking "How in the farnsworth could that have happened?!? If only there had been a better turnout. Man...I never imagined it was going to come to this." The spin doctors are whirling feverishly. The protesters are protesting. The pundits are...uh...pundificating.
And Canada is thinking of building a wall. Did I mention that I actually wrote this on October 27?
While doing research for last week's post (you can revisit Scary Romance by clicking here), I found some romantic movie titles that didn't have to be changed at all in order to sound like they could actually be a horror or suspense flick. Another example of how your attitude, or what your expectations are, can influence your perceptions.
