In addition to my chores as a technical writer for Big Brother, Inc. and choreographer/actor/acting coach for Giant Step Theatre, I semi-recently started Working Retail in order to be able to make car payments. It was during an all-too-infrequent lull while Working Retail that I spontaneously began singing: "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide; no escape from reality..."
My kinky-haired co-worker, TommiBoi, interrupted by asking, "Who sings that?"
Always one willing to educate the masses, I answered, "Queen."
Her quick comeback: "Let's keep it that way."
That gave me a hearty laugh, which surprised her, because she said that jab had been around for a long time.
Still, I was tickled enough by the incident that I told the worship team about it Sunday morning after rehearsal. It was then that the truly delicious dropkick to my ego was administered.
Fellow worship team member and faithful reader, Beckster WhassupWiddat, innocently looked at me and said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I can't believe no one has ever said that to you before."
* * * * * * *
I think I peed a little.
Daughter Number Two, BuckEye, recently posted a list of several places of business that give discounts to People Of A Certain Age...and I'm not talking the to-be-expected threshold of 65, either. No-sirree. There are restaurants that offer, upon request, discounts of 10-20% just because a person has somehow managed to reach the age of 55!
Having just returned from a week of vacation, there were no leftovers in the fridge to take to work for lunch, so I decided to test the validity of BuckEye's sources and went to the local McWenarbellkinway's.
I thought they might want to see my driver's license to verify my age, so I skipped the drive-through and walked inside.
"I'd like a Number Six, large, with the senior discount."
The toddler who was barely standing at the cash register did NOT ask to see my I.D.
She did not do a double-take and go on and on about how I couldn't possibly be 55.
She did absolutely nothing that would make me want to step outside the norm and actually tip a fast food worker.
Dag nabbit.
According to @UberFacts (and who would dare doubt that bastion of factitude?), the actor Rowan Atkinson...most well-known for his character, Mr. Bean...once saved a plane from crashing, saving his two children and wife after the pilot passed out.
After exhaustive research (of course, when in research mode, it doesn't take much to exhaust me), I have determined that the incident really did transpire...almost like this:
Mr. Atkinson was being given a tour of the plane and was invited to enter the cockpit. He was having trouble opening the door, and just as he was hitting it with his shoulder for the third time, the door opened and RA fell into the cockpit, not only knocking the pilot forward...putting the small plane into what could be kindly called "a rapid descent", but what most learned professionals would conservatively estimate to be "a nosedive of doom"...but also knocking the pilot well out of the state-of-being widely-known as "consciousness".
A frantic patting of the pilot's hands soon changed to slapping his face, which progressed to shaking him violently; none of which brought the short-term coma to an end. A glass of water was procured from the horrified flight attendant and emptied into the pilot's face. Well, Mr. Atkinson tried to splash the pilot's face, but only succeeded in dowsing the control panel, which immediately began to sputter, spark, and emit an acrid smoke.
Infused with both a sudden and false sense of competency, RA grabbed the plane's yoke (i.e., steering wheel thingy) and pulled it back in an attempt to bring the plane out of its dive. He was immediately successful at having the yoke break off into his hands. Not knowing what to do with the now-useless bit of hardware, he tossed the broken yoke over his shoulder, hitting the hovering flight attendant and knocking her into the previously-superfluous co-pilot's steering wheel thingy, which pulled the plane out of its kamikaze impersonation.
At just that moment, the shorted control panel shut down the engine and the small plane glided safely to a landing in the drive-through lane of a local Taco Juanita.
When the pilot regained consciousness, he had no memory of what caused the incident and bought (mister) bean burritos for everyone involved. Muy bueno!
HUGE THANKS to faithful reader, Drewcifer, for passing along the following fine photo.
File this under Too Little Too Late.
Last week's post about how AngelFace didn't know who The Fifth Dimension or the Mamas and Papas were reminded me of these inspired panels from the comic strip Sally Forth, created by Greg Howard, but currently written and drawn by Frencesco Marciuliano and Craig MacIntosh.
Apparently, in daily strips published during the week before this one, Sally and her husband, Ted, have been experiencing some marital conflict...which did not go unnoticed by their 12-year-old daughter, Hilary. The good news is, they've patched things up.
...and now, for the payoff...
I've always felt like I've done an acceptable job of fathering our oldest daughter, AngelFace, but now I'm not so sure.
I was sitting at the dining room table, listening to a CD I had just purchased: a two-disc set of the greatest hits of The Fifth Dimension.
AngelFace was passing through and asked, "What are you listening to?"
First of all, you need to understand that I was not sitting at the dining room table using headphones/earbuds/personal music-listening apparatuses to privately listen to the CD I had just purchased. The music was being played...out loud...audible to any and all personages in the room.
So right away, I was slightly concerned with my oldest daughter's inquiry. She could hear what I was listening to...why did she need to ask me what I was listening to?
Second of all, let me remind you that these were big-time radio hits from the group, not some esoteric, deep album cuts.
Swallowing my disconcernosity, I replied, "The Fifth Dimension."
In response to the blank look on AngelFace's face, I continued, "You know...'Let the sunshine; let the sunshine in'...'Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful baloooooon'?"
AngelFace: "I kinda recognize that first one. Didn't ActorBoy sing that in OnStage at school?"
"Yes, but c'mon...The Fifth Dimension! One Less Bell to Answer? I Got the Wedding Bell Blues? They're like the black Mamas and Papas."
It was then AngelFace asked the question I never thought I would hear coming from the mouth of any of my offspring...
"Who are the Mamas and Papas?"
We should get the results of the paternity test tomorrow.
A refreshing blast of actual actualities:
- In Maine, it is illegal to have outdoor Christmas
decorations past January 14th.
- China has more English-speaking residents than the United
States.
- UPS trucks get 15,000 parking tickets in New York City every
month.
- In New Jersey, it is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest
while committing murder. [So…if I do wear one, is it proof that the murder was
not pre-planned?]
- The average mobile phone contains more bacteria than the
average toilet seat. [Maybe we should start sitting on our phones…just to clean
them up a bit.]
- The filling in Oreo cookies was originally made of pork fat.
[The perfect snack…Bacon Oreos!]
- According to the British Journal of Cancer, eating pickles
regularly can double your risk of developing esophageal cancer. [What if a
person eats them irregularly…like…while standing on their head or in a bowl of
stir-fry chicken?]
- You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark.
- Farting can help reduce high blood pressure and is
beneficial to your health. [Assuming you are the farter and not the fartee]
- Sarcasm increases oxygen to the brain, which also keeps the
brain from overheating. [Assuming you are the sarcaser and not the sarcasee…no
wonder my brain is so cool]
- The guy who voiced the Pillsbury Doughboy’s laugh was making
the equivalent of over $300,000 a year just for that laugh. [This kind of
ticked me off…then depressed me…then I started wondering what “the equivalent
of” meant…was he paid off in crescent rolls?]
