Crushing Cultural Touchstones

Last week's post about how AngelFace didn't know who The Fifth Dimension or the Mamas and Papas were reminded me of these inspired panels from the comic strip Sally Forth, created by Greg Howard, but currently written and drawn by Frencesco Marciuliano and Craig MacIntosh.

Apparently, in daily strips published during the week before this one, Sally and her husband, Ted, have been experiencing some marital conflict...which did not go unnoticed by their 12-year-old daughter, Hilary. The good news is, they've patched things up.

...and now, for the payoff...

Who Are You And What Have You Done With My Daughter?

I've always felt like I've done an acceptable job of fathering our oldest daughter, AngelFace, but now I'm not so sure.

I was sitting at the dining room table, listening to a CD I had just purchased: a two-disc set of the greatest hits of The Fifth Dimension.

AngelFace was passing through and asked, "What are you listening to?"

First of all, you need to understand that I was not sitting at the dining room table using headphones/earbuds/personal music-listening apparatuses to privately listen to the CD I had just purchased. The music was being played...out loud...audible to any and all personages in the room.

So right away, I was slightly concerned with my oldest daughter's inquiry. She could hear what I was listening to...why did she need to ask me what I was listening to?

Second of all, let me remind you that these were big-time radio hits from the group, not some esoteric, deep album cuts.

Swallowing my disconcernosity, I replied, "The Fifth Dimension."

In response to the blank look on AngelFace's face, I continued, "You know...'Let the sunshine; let the sunshine in'...'Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful baloooooon'?"

AngelFace: "I kinda recognize that first one. Didn't ActorBoy sing that in OnStage at school?"

"Yes, but c'mon...The Fifth Dimension! One Less Bell to Answer? I Got the Wedding Bell Blues? They're like the black Mamas and Papas."

It was then AngelFace asked the question I never thought I would hear coming from the mouth of any of my offspring...

"Who are the Mamas and Papas?"


We should get the results of the paternity test tomorrow.

A Drink from the Fount of Knowledge

A refreshing blast of actual actualities: 

• In Maine, it is illegal to have outdoor Christmas decorations past January 14^th.
• China has more English-speaking residents than the United States.
• UPS trucks get 15,000 parking tickets in New York City every month.
• In New Jersey, it is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while committing murder. [So…if I do wear one, is it proof that the murder was not pre-planned?]
• The average mobile phone contains more bacteria than the average toilet seat. [Maybe we should start sitting on our phones…just to clean them up a bit.]
• The filling in Oreo cookies was originally made of pork fat. [The perfect snack…Bacon Oreos!]

• According to the British Journal of Cancer, eating pickles regularly can double your risk of developing esophageal cancer. [What if a person eats them irregularly…like…while standing on their head or in a bowl of stir-fry chicken?]
• You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark.
• Farting can help reduce high blood pressure and is beneficial to your health. [Assuming you are the farter and not the fartee]
• Sarcasm increases oxygen to the brain, which also keeps the brain from overheating. [Assuming you are the sarcaser and not the sarcasee…no wonder my brain is so cool]
• The guy who voiced the Pillsbury Doughboy’s laugh was making the equivalent of over $300,000 a year just for that laugh. [This kind of ticked me off…then depressed me…then I started wondering what “the equivalent of” meant…was he paid off in crescent rolls?]

Apparently, This Really Sucks

I was taken aback recently as I was scrolling through a "TV's Most Popular Items" webpage, courtesy of Publishers Clearinghouse and my relentless work at giving God an opportunity to test my ability to handle a financial windfall. In the midst of collections of Huge Hits from various musical genres and a hose that shrinks like a frightened turtle, there was an ad for a mini-marvel called, WaxVac.

While I'm not all that excited about the idea of sticking a vacuum cleaner in my ear, the possibility of sucking my brains out wasn't what threw me off balance. The source of my startle was the marketing phrase used as a headline for the ad: "Help Get Rid of Moisture and Debris"

DEBRIS?!!?

I took the risk of having my idea of what constituted "debris" smashed to pieces and looked the word up at Dictionary.com. The good news is, my understanding of the term was validated:

de-bris [duh-bree]
noun

1. the remains of anything broken down or destroyed; ruins; rubble: the debris of buildings after an air raid.

2. Geology.  an accumulation of loose fragments of rock.

Synonyms: detritus, litter, trash

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The bad news is the thought of needing to suck any of that out of my ear! YIKES!

Funniest. Fact. Ever.

You can thank the Twitterverse for this. And no, I have no explanation as to why I find it so hilarious.

Perhaps it is my perverse twistedness.

Not Common Facts™  @NotCommonFacts
The CIA once spent $20 million on a cat equipped with gear to spy on the Soviets, but it was hit by a taxi.

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Almost the Truthlets, the Third

From the weekly status updates on the Almost the Truth™ Publishing FaceBook page and @deweyroth's Twitter Tweetosity:

• Every day in every way, I’m getting a little bit older.
• I’ve got a knows for gnus.
• Speak softly and carry a big megaphone.
• Can’t wait for the annual Memorial Day SnowFort Competition!
• An apple a day gives the grocer his pay.
• Patty Cake, Patty Cake…Is that Pan’s sister?
• Late to bed, early to rise, makes you bleary and dark ‘round the eyes.
• I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I screw it up royally.
• The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. The lack of a fear of heights is the beginning of one’s downfall.
• We got Trouble right here in River City; with a capital T, that rhymes with P, and that stands for Pimples.
• Angelina Jolie announced today that her children are actually animated statues made from tissue farmed from her lips.
• Permanent Press…apparently means “You can iron this shirt all you want, but these wrinkles aren’t going ANYwhere.”
• Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Nope…it’s a bird…definitely a bird…I don’t know…wait…I need to clean off my glasses.
• Here she comes, just a waddlin’ down the street, singing “Do-wah Daisy Duck, waddling you do.”
• What’s good for the loose is good for the randier.
• Do a little dance, make a little soup, get splashed on tonight.
• When the going gets tough, take a laxative.
• My memory is so good, I sometimes remember things that never even happened.
• Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen stuff burn up and water fall from the sky. I’ve seen rapid oxidation and liquid precipitation.
• When it pains, it sores.
• Oh Auntie Em, there’s no business like show business…well…no business I know.

Look Out, Mickey! Here They Come!

In an attempt to slake my readers' insatiable thirst for factual facts, I have recently begun following a few Twitter feeds purporting to tweet actual actualities of an unexpected and surprising nature.

I must say that I was definitely not expecting to read a particular post from UberFacts, and that it certainly surprised me...to the point of not really being convinced of its truthosity. Tell me what you think:

Every night after closing time, Disneyland releases over 200 feral cats to roam the park and keep the rodent population under control.

Are you KIDDING me?!!?

To my way of thinking (now there's a scary thought), this raises several questions:

• Do they make sure the guy in the Mickey outfit is in the parking lot before The Hunt begins?
• What happens to all those cats the next morning? Does Disney release 200 wild dingoes?
• Just where does one go to procure 73,000 feral cats a year?
• I'm assuming Disney keeps those cats hungry during the day so they'll be motivated to "keep the rodent population under control" at night. Is PETA okay with this?
• Do you think they play music while this is going on? "WE let the cats out! Meow! Meow! Meow-meow!"