Just Plain Nuts

Beloved and I recently took a trip, in the preparation for which, I was assigned the task of going to the grocery store and procuring a couple snacks for us to have during the flight...seeing as how Wright Airlines planned on having "snacks available for purchase." (Yeah...like I'm going to shell out three dollars for a 1.5 ounce bag of trail mix.)

I picked up my bag of sourdough nibblers and headed to the nut aisle...because that's where I feel the most at home (har-dee-...and may I say...har). Picking up a bag of "Whole Natural Almonds," it didn't surprise me...but it DID tickle me...to read the ingredients: "Almonds."

Further amusement was had as I continued reading: "Allergy Warning: Contains almonds."

Whew! I sure am glad they warned me this bag of Whole Natural Almonds contains almonds because I'm allergic to almonds and I wouldn't want...oh brother.

But what DID surprise me, befuddle me, and come to the cusp of confusing me was the following disclaimer:

May contain traces of milk, eggs, brazil nuts, cashews, coconut, filberts, macadamia nuts, pecans, pine nuts, pistachios, walnuts, peanuts, wheat and soy

All in a bag of Whole Natural Almonds, the bag for which had to be twice as big as what would have been necessary to contain the almonds themselves...so there would be room to print all the warnings and legal ramblings.

Maybe I should have just bought TWO bags of sourdough nibblers.

How Deep Is Your Earworm?

Here's three months' worth of those persistent, insistent irritants that pound through my head first thing in the morning.

FEBRUARY

3 – Turn (Larry Norman) If ANYONE among my faithful readers (or faithless readers for that matter…no need to be exclusive on this) has ever heard this song before: 1) I will be shocked, amazed, stunned, and generally apoplectic; and 2) I think I just found a new Friend For Life.

4 – Turn (Larry Norman) Okay…this is quite enough. Maybe if I inflict you readers with it, I won’t have to deal with it anymore: http://youtu.be/v4qMsy2ldhI. [Found this video on the 8^th...wonder what the 9^th’s earworm will be…)

7 – Greater Than Grace (Point of Grace)…though I was actually hearing Beloved’s cover version (http://www.restinhimministry.com)

8 – Oh How He Loves Us (David Crowder Band) I’m really glad this was just an auditory adventure and did not include the visual from the YouTube video (http://youtu.be/TCunuL58odQ). To say the least, Mr. Crowder is not my nominee for Sexiest Man of the Year.

9 – Surprise! No earworm this morning!

14 – Get a Job (The Silhouettes) Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na…

15 – Funkytown/Time Won’t Let Me (Lipps Inc./The Outsiders) A mental mash-up that answers its own question: “Won’t you take me to Funkytown? Time won’t let me, oh no…”

17 – Whenever I Call You Friend (Kenny Loggins & Stevie Nicks)

23 – Anything Goes (from the musical of the same name, though many may remember it from the opening scene of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)

24 – If I Can’t Have You (Yvonne Elliman)

28 – Made to Love (Toby Mac)

MARCH

7 – When We All Get to Heaven

9 – Where Do the Children Play?/Lady (Cat Stevens/Little River Band) It always surprises me when the Earworm Fairy drops a mash-up into my brain.

15 – Babe (Styx)

16 – My Hair Goes… (Rhett & Link) These guys are the Kings of YouTube. Go there. Search for them. Be thou amused.

18 – How Deep Is Your Love? (Bee Gees)

19 – How Deep Is Your Love? (Bee Gees)

20 – How Deep Is Your Love? (Bee Gees) Yeah…pretty annoying.

23 – Escape (The Pina Colada Song – Rupert Holmes)

28 – Hurt So Good (John Mellencamp)

30 – My Hair Goes… (My brain seems to be on its own feedback loop. And this isn’t even a song as much as it’s a comedy bit. Here, judge for yourself, and take it away from me! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46H_lm3OLBE&feature=g-all-u&context=G299965aFAAAAAHgAGAA)

APRIL

3 – Take Time To Be Holy (Hymn)

4 – Don’t Go Breaking My Heart (Elton John & Kiki Dee) Truly insidious

5 – We’re An American Band (Grand Funk Railroad) There…that’s more like it.

16 – Dancing in the Street (Martha and the Vandellas…although I was actually hearing The Mamas & the Papas and also have fond memories of a David Bowie/Mick Jagger rendition) Perhaps the reason I had this particular song spinning this morning is that I finally finished my taxes.

18 – Happy Together (Turtles)

Don't Be Happy...Worry

According to Marta Zaraska, of the Washington Post, in an article as printed in the St. Paul Pioneer Press, "Studies show that there is a darker side to feeling good and that the pursuit of happiness can sometimes make you...well, less happy. Too much cheerfulness can make you gullible, selfish, less successful....Research indicates that very high levels of positive feelings predict risk-taking behaviors, excess alcohol and drug consumption, binge eating, and may lead us to neglect threats."


In other words, happiness is bad for your health.

I want to know who did this research and who was paying them? And why can't they just leave well-enough alone?


What's next? Broccoli causes cancer? Exercise leads to weight gain? Sleeping induces insomnia?

A Dance Team, By Any Other Name

Saturday, April 7, 2012's StarTribune ran an article by Kim McGuire with the headline, "Name Change Stirs Up a Nest of Hornettes." The first two paragraphs will give you the gist of the piece:

When Edina High School administrators changed the dance team's name from the Hornettes to just plain Hornets - the school's sports nickname - they thought it would instill a sense of unity among students who spend autumn Friday nights cheering for their favorite football team.

But the move has stung hundreds of community members who think the school is kicking a 53-year-old tradition to the curb for no good reason.

The article goes on to talk about petitions and hearings and threats of gathering some feathers and warming up some tar.

Two things:

One...yes, I noticed the phrase "the move has stung hundreds" in a story about the Hornets. Cute.

Two...I would think the dance team would be glad to change their name away from something that makes them sound like a group of sexually-excited little people.

Observed Absurdities™ 5 - Duck!

When last we met (http://almostthetruth.blogspot.com/2012/04/duck-duck-what.html), the subject at hand was a duck threesome I had seen on a stroll through the neighborhood. Included in that post was a short discussion of how everyone in the world refers to a particular game as "Duck, Duck, Goose," while native Minnesotans almost exclusively insist the game is "Duck, Duck, Grey Duck".

Two observations that are equally absurd:

ONE:
All the comments on that post related to the game name controversy, even though that wasn't really the emphasis intended.

TWO:
The Minnesotan bent toward defending and exalting all things Minnesotan comes into stark contrast with normal social behavior. When talking about the whole is-it-goose-or-grey-duck discussion, Minnesotans will insist they are right and the rest of the known universe is wrong. It's almost always "Goose?!!? That's wrong! It's Grey Duck! Don't you know anything?"

Notice...it's not "Hmm, that's interesting," or even, "Wow, that's weird," but an adamant "That's wrong!"

Not that I'm judging or anything...

Duck, Duck, What?

Having been neither born nor raised in Minnesota, I grew up calling the game wherein people sit in a circle, one person stands, walks around the outside of the circle, tapping each person saying, "Duck" until they decide to say "Goose," and the person tapped in synchronization with the saying of "Goose" stands and chases the first person around the circle, hoping to tag the Gooser before they reach the spot just vacated by the Goosee "Duck, Duck, Goose."


[Wait a sec...let me catch my breath.]

I even have empirical evidence that the proper name for that game is "Duck, Duck, Goose" because that was the correct answer to a question posed by Regis Philbin on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? several years ago.


None of this matters to native Minnesotans, who insist that the rest of the country...nay...the rest of the world is wrong and needs to fall in line with the aberration to nature that is "Duck, Duck, Gray Duck."


Now...I told you all of that so I could tell you this...


I was walking through the neighborhood earlier this evening, and up ahead I could see some activity in someone's front yard. It looked like a small dog had found something particularly odorous in which to wallow and was thoroughly enjoying flopping around in it. I thought, "Ah! He looks like he's having a really good time!"


As I got closer, I could see a small green head and a periodically-flailing wing and realized that it wasn't a dog, but a duck. I thought, "Oh! Is it hurt? Did a dog get hold of it?"


A few more steps, and I realized that it was actually two ducks behaving in a decidedly twitterpated manner, with no regard for the public nature of their display of affection. I thought, "Eww! Get a room!"


Closer still, and it became clear that the commotion was actually three ducks: two colorful drakes and one plain hen.


It was at that moment that my mind realized the true meaning of Duck, Duck, Grey Duck.

A Palm Sunday Question

Who is Anna, and what did she do to deserve being hosed?