#RuinAChristmasMovie

 

[Originally published December 22, 2017]

It's...

That...

Time of year, when the world watches the same movies for the umpteenth time.

But what if some unscrupulous modifier tweaked the titles of some of those over-watched classics?

It's a Wonderful Lice  -  It's a lousy Christmas when Zuzu comes home from school with someone else's hat.

Frankie the Snowman  -  Ol' Blue Eyes is back, but some miffed mobsters want to put him on ice for good.

Rudolph the Reed-Nosed Reindeer  -  Olive, the other reindeer, laughs at poor Rudolph because he sounds like a clarinet when he breathes.

A Christmas Stork  -  The protagonist wants to buy a Red Ryder BB gun, but is called away to deliver a baby to an obscure village in the Middle East.

Homely Alone  -  An eight-year-old boy is left behind from his family's Christmas trip because he's just so darn ugly.

Alf  -  A furry, alien life form travels from the North Pole to New York City in search of its biological father and a nice CLT...cat, lettuce, and tomato sandwich; where the cat is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe.

The Old Gray Mare Before Christmas  -  This sleigh ride just ain't what she used to be.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vaccination  -  An unfortunate reaction to an ill-timed flu shot spoils a family's holiday celebration.

White Supremacist Christmas  -  Some jokes just write themselves.

The Molar Express  -  A Rankin/Bass production that creates a myth based on the popular song, "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth".

The Santa Claws  -  Kris Kringle refuses to submit to his annual mani/pedi.

Pie Hard  -  NYPD Detective John McClane tries to reconcile with his estranged wife by bringing dessert to her employer's Christmas party, but the dessert is stale.

How the Grinch Smelled on Christmas  -  A special 4-D immersive experience. Not for the faint of nose.

Mildly Amusing Incident on 34th Street  -  A temporary Macy's employee claims to be Howie Mandel.

A Charlie Beige Christmas  -  The Peanuts gang goes to Phoenix for the holidays.

A Christmas Carrot  -  After a series of dreams, Ebeneezer Scrooge goes vegan.

For the video version of this post, CLICK HERE.

How to Ruin Date Night in 3 Verses: The 381st Greatest Song

 

As the story goes, the angel-voiced Aaron Neville was a longshoreman when he recorded the sweet-but-direct plea for a truthful love relationship, "Tell It Like It Is."

That dichotomy between a slow R&B ballad and the rough and tumble life of a longshoreman seems to have affected the effect of the record. Neville is quoted as saying, "A lot of people come up to me and say, 'That song got me and my wife together, and others say, 'It broke me and my wife up. '"

I looked up the words of the song, and I've gotta say, I'm on Team Breakup. Check it out:

If you want something to play with

Go and find yourself a toy

Baby my time is too expensive

And I'm not a little boy

I mean, doesn't he sound a little confrontational and demanding?

And what's this thing about his time being expensive? Is he a high-end gigolo?

If you are serious

Don't play with my heart

It makes me furious

Heads Up: If anger management is an issue for this guy, put on your high-heeled sneakers and run. a. way!

I believe you love me

Forget your foolish pride

In other words, don't listen to what your heart is telling you. Listen to me! I say you love me, so start acting like it!

Ah yes...nothing says romance like "you love me because I said so."

Welcome to My Graphic Rabbit Hole

 

With last week's mini-venture into A.I. image manipulation, I opened the door to something so fun it's dangerous. Or maybe so dangerous that it's fun, I don't know.

I gave CoPilot the following self-portrait...

...then asked it to make it look different in a number of ways. First, I wanted to look steampunk.

Then I asked to look as if Picasso painted me.

Then Van Gogh.

Salvador Dali

The good folks at Pixar

The only-slightly-different-looking Claymation

Then I thought, could CoPilot put me inside different entertainment franchises ... like The Simpsons?

Or Star Trek

Saving my personal favorite for last, look what happened when I asked to be put in a scene from Pirates of the Caribbean:

I was kind of hoping for something more like Jack Sparrow and less like Smee, but I look at this and can't help but think "Jolly Roger".