Mayberry Trek

 

Science Officer Barney Spock was studying the scan of the planet that USS Mayberry was orbiting. Captain Andy T. Kirk spun his captain's chair toward the half-alien.

"Watcha think, Barn?"

"Well, Anj, what you see below us is a rock: a large mass of lifeless granite surrounded by poisonous gas. There are no signs of any life whatsoever."

"Uh-huh." Kirk turned to Communications Officer Thelma Lou Uhura. "Anything?"

"I've tried every channel and I just can't get any response, Andy."

"Alright then, I reckon we can chalk this one up to the uninhabited list."

"Andy, Andy, Andy," Barney condescendingly intoned. "Don't you see? Any planet this quiet has got to be hiding something. I say we send a team down to reconnoiter!"

Security Officer Goober Pyle jumped into the conversation: "Hey, Andy, I think Barney's right! We need to really check this place out!"

Kirk: "So, you wanna lead a team to the surface, do ya?"

Goober swallowed hard and said, "Well, I kinda thought Howard might be a better choice for actually, you know, goin' on down there."

Just then, an explosion rocked the bridge, sending sparks flying.

Barney: "Uninhabited, huh?!? They just shot at us! Uninhabited my Aunt Matilda!"

Captain Kirk pressed the comm button on the arm of his chair. "Engineering. Report."

Gomer Scott's voice was high-pitched and excited. "Shazam! That almost knocked my socks off, Andy! I thought we'd done been hit by a photon torpeder but guess what?"

Silence.

"Go on. Guess."

Andy rolled his eyes and sighed, "What, Gomer."

"It twern't a torpeder at all! One of the dilithium crystals overheated and popped outta the reactor. Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!"

"Any damage?"

"Nothin' a little elbow grease caint fix."

Pressing a different button, Captain Kirk addressed the ship's doctor. "Bones! Any injuries from that explosion?"

Dr. Floyd Lawson took a little while to respond. "Ohhh, Andy, everything is fine down here. Not so much as a hangnail. You know, it reminds me of the time..."

"Not now, Bones."

Things had calmed down a bit, so the ship's clerk, Howard Sprague, approached the captain's chair.

"Uh...begging the captain's pardon, Andy, but I've been wondering why Education Officer Crump spends so much time on the bridge."

Captain Andy T. Kirk leaned back as much as his chair would allow and drawled, "Well, I know she doesn't exactly fit in with all the fightin' and decision-makin' we do up here...but it don't exactly hurt a fella's eyes to see her around, now does it?"

Grumbling About the 440th Greatest Song

 

I'm usually pretty aware of what a curmudgeon I am and that my days of being on the cutting edge of popular culture are far behind me. Then I get smacked in the face with Stuph I Never Knew from 35 years ago.

A case in point is this descriptive paragraph about the 440th Greatest Song of All Time from the editors of Rolling Stone:

In 1985, Azor recruited fellow Sears employees Cheryl James and Sandy Denton, both from Queens, New York, for a music-school project. With the addition of Dee Dee "Spinderella" Roper, Salt-N-Pepa became the first female MCs to crack the pop Top Twenty when "Push It" was remixed by San Francisco DJ Cameron Paul.

School project. Addition of somebody named Spinderella. MCs being remixed.

Whatever happened to friends getting together in a garage and writing a song that makes it onto the radio and catches on and gets the band added to a tour of national recording artists with a gig on a network variety show when the song hits Number One and then breaking up when the record company makes demands?

Never mind.

Superstition Origins

 

To celebrate Paraskevidekatriaphobia Day, let's spare no expense (translation: spend no money) to research the origin of a few popular superstitions.

Friday the 13th: During the 13th (and final) season of the television series Dragnet, Jack Webb's character, Sgt. Joe Friday, was accidentally killed in a lumber camp mishap, sending the series into syndication heaven. When asked which tools in the camp caused Friday's demise, his partner said, "Just the ax, ma'am."

7 Years Bad Luck from Breaking a Mirror: This superstition began in the 1960s because it took seven years to get all the tiny slivers of broken mirror out of the shag carpet in the bedroom.

Walking Under a Ladder: Truth be told, this is a mispronunciation of an actual bit of bad luck, Stalking Up to an Adder. Scaring snakes is universally recognized as a not-good idea.

Black Cats: This is SO racist.

Observed Absurdities™ 56 - A Long Time Ago in a Toy Factory Far, Far Away

 

I invite you to imagine my dismay and confusion when I approached a large sign advertising the presence of Mandalorian-themed playthings and saw...well...saw THIS:

We've gone light years beyond Malibu Barbie, it seems.

"The waistline is strong in this one."

"I'm going to take the pink Corvette into Mos Eisley for some power curlers."

"This is the way. Way COOL, that is!"

"I've got a bad feeling about this bathing suit."

"Use the Force, Ken!"