"One Fine Day" Sounds Threatening to Me

 

Beloved and I have been watching Criminal Minds quite a bit, and I think it's ruined me.

I ought to be able to enjoy the 460th greatest song of all time, "One Fine Day" (written by Carole King, but as recorded by The Chiffons), with a nostalgic sense of young, hopeful love. The lyric is innocent enough:

One fine day, you'll look at me

And you will know our love was meant to be

One fine day, you're gonna want me for your girl

The arms I long for will open wide

And you'll be proud to have me

Walkin' right by your side

One fine day

You're gonna want me for your girl

Though I know you're the kind of boy

Who only wants to run around

I'll keep waiting, and, someday darling

You'll come to me when you want to settle down

Oh

One fine day, we'll meet once more

And then you'll want the love you threw away before

One fine day, you're gonna want me for your girl

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

But my problem is, I read those words and imagine them being addressed to a young man who is tied to a chair in an otherwise-abandoned cabin in a remote corner of some long-forgotten wilderness.

Spurious S Words

A silly smidgen of Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Sabbatical (v)  -  To wiggle one's fingers under the wings of a flying rodent from South America

Saber (v)  -  What one does when one is very cold

SABLE (acronym)  -  Soft Apparrel But Largely Expensive

Saccular (n)  -  A non-religious bag

Sachet (v)  -  To strut while smelling pleasant

SACK (acronym)  -  Sadistic Attempt to Carry Kittens

Sackbut (n)  -  1. a medieval form of the trombone. 2. Bible. an ancient stringed musical instrument. Daniel 3. (NOTE: These are actual definitions, it's just that this word is so darn funny.)

Sacker (n)  -  A lazy, unproductive person at Christmastime (no L)

Sacrament (n)  -  Concrete used to build churches

Schadenfreude (v)  -  Talking negatively about the father of modern psychoanalysis 

2020: The Year Nobody Could Have Made Up

 

The actual true truth of the matter is that the majority of Almost the Truth posts in 2020 were written in the first few months of the year...before any of us knew what a bizarre dumpster fire of a year it was going to be:

• Before any of us knew we'd be picking out curtains to match our favorite mask pattern
• Before Australia became one big party because it was REALLY lit (too soon?)
• Before otherwise-sane people decided to store toilet paper in safety deposit boxes
• Before the Leader of the Free World was impeached (Volume One)
• Before we had an inkling that a trip downtown should include ingredients for s'mores

• Before the term "murder hornets" went from sounding like something from an apocalyptic comic book to being the lesser of way more than two evils
• Before fine, upright people started getting their medical advice from a former "reality show" star rather than an actual...you know...medical professional
• Before the West Coast spontaneously combusted
• Before Alex Trebeck stopped asking for questions
• Before the lack of evidence wasn't a good enough reason to stop claiming massive voter fraud

See how quickly that went from poking fun to just a gape-mouthed recitation of "can you believe this really happened" moments?

Turns out it was a really good thing I had a stockpile of grin-worthy words. If I had depended on current events to feed the humor mill...yikes.

 

Giving Prince the Kiss-Off: 461st Greatest Song of All Time

 

Prince's "Kiss" is another one of those songs on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time that I had never heard before.

Don't hate me because I've got discriminating taste.

Okay, okay...I take it back. I went to YouTube and watched the official video and looked up the official lyrics and became officially familiar with it enough to say that it's easy enough to dance to, in spite of Prince's thin falsetto performance and equally-thin gee-I-wanna-be-Little-Richard mustache.

I will admit to appreciating a particular line from the otherwise blah-blah-blah lyric. I'm not sure why it never became a bumper sticker or t-shirt phenomenon:

"You don't have to watch Dynasty to have an attitude."

Now that's just wisdom for the ages, right there.