Friday, December 27, 2019

Headlines to Hope for in 2020


Political Ads Will Run Only on a Dedicated Cable Channel

Scientific Breakthrough Converts Global Warming Into Free Electricity

Complete Toy Story Box Set, With 20 Hours of Special Features, Available for $20

Harry Chapin, Jim Croce, and Leon Redbone Begin Their "Out of This" World Tour



Kardashians Take Vows of Silence

Dog Breeders Announce New Canine that Picks Up Its Own Poo...Which Smells Like Fine Corinthian Leather

Mister Rogers Resurrects; Wins Presidential Recount

Twitter Shuts Down: "We Just Really Don't Care Anymore"






Friday, December 20, 2019

Simply Having a Beatlesesque Christmastime, Part Too


The collection of Christmasy versions of Beatles tunes continues and concludes, all in one fell swoop...

Here Comes the Snow  -  Little darlin', it'll be a long, cold, lonely winter. Little darlin', I've got some hot, spiced cider here.

I Saw Her Shopping There  -  I won't use layaway with another since I saw her shopping there.

I Want a Walrus  -  I am a young lad trying not to sound mad, but I want a walrus! Goo goo ga jube!

Lady Madonna  -  Lady Madonna, Joseph at your side; wondering how you managed the long mule ride.



The Long and Winding String of Lights  -  ...that is tangled in the garage

Lucy in a Fit with Ribbons  -  Picture yourself in a room filled with paper; the gift bags are bent and your scissors are dull.

Maxwell's Silver Bells  -  Hear them ring! Maxwell's silver bells came down the attic stair. Ring-a-ling! Maxwell's silver bells ensured a festive affair.

Paper Check Writer  -  Dear cashier, I don't have a card, and carrying cash is so very hard. I just wanna buy these items right here, and I'm so old-school that I need to be a paper check writer...paper check writer!

While My Accounts Gently Weep  -  I look at the bills I've racked up since November while my accounts gently weep.

Friday, December 13, 2019

Simply Having a Beatlesesque Christmastime, Part Won


It seems there's no end to the supply of "previously-unreleased material" by The Fab Four. The latest collection making its way out of George Martin's vault includes these festive versions of some of their most-beloved tunes...

A Day in the North Pole  -  I read the thermometer today, oh boy; about too low to measure in Centigrade.

A Hard Day's Flight  -  It's been a hard day's flight; I flew with Santa around the world. It's been a hard day's flight; giving presents to boys and girls.


All You Need Is Tinsel  -  There's nothing you can buy that can't be crated. Nowhere you can live undecorated.

Being for the Benefit of Planet Earth  -  For the benefit of Planet Earth, we celebrate the Christ-child's birth in Bethlehem.

Can't Buy Me Anything on the 24th  -  Buy you the latest thing, my friend, but not on Christmas Eve.

Carry That Tree  -  Boy, you're gonna carry that tree; carry that tree up three flights.

Drive My Sleigh  -  Rudolph, you can drive my sleigh. I only need it for one day.

Eight Days of Deals  -  Ooh, I need the car, babe, to get down to the mall. They've dropped the prices far, babe, I need to buy it all.

Fool on the Roof  -  Day after day, running more cords, the man with the plastic reindeer nailed to misshapen boards.

Give Back  -  Jojo got a gift that didn't really fit him, so he returned it to the store.

Friday, December 6, 2019

How Do You Say "Shameless Hussy" in French?


Number 479 on Rolling Stone's list of "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time", "Lady Marmalade," is responsible for one of only three French phrases I've ever sung.


The phrase is "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?", and its English translation is "Do you want to sleep with me?", which should give you a good idea what the rest of the song is about.

Let's just say it has nothing to do with a woman selling fruit preserves.

For the curious, the other two French song phrases I know have to do with:

  • The words "Michelle" and "belle" being a good fit
  • Asking Brother John if he's sleeping


Tres bon!