#RuinAnEaglesSong

Creating a popular song is a little like catching lightning in a bottle. There are so many moving parts to a song (melody, words, instrumental arrangement, the mood of the zeitgeist at the moment...) and it can only take a little difference in one of those variables for a song to go from a big hit to a big flop.

Consider these first attempts at song titles by one of the best-selling groups of all time, The Eagles.

• Take It Queasy
• Itchy Woman
• Fryin' Eyes
• One of These Nighties
• Grape Nehi Sunrise

• Take It to the Dumpster
• Banana, Easy Peeling
• Best of My Oven
• Hotel New Jersey
• Headache Tonight
• Life in the Slow Rain

Almost Definitions II

These will make perfect sense to those blessed with parallel thinking.

Eager (n)  -  A person belonging to the generational group familiar with Walt Disney World's original alphabet-based ticketing system wherein a trolley ride required an A ticket and a trip on Space Mountain would cost an E ticket; traditionally, a person on the high end of that age range

Earthiness (n)  -  The condition of not having a thick hearing organ

Faceless (adj)  -  Having lost weight above the neck

Factor (n)  -  A very bad thespian

Female (n)  -  A girly brew of water and hops

Goblet (n)  -  A small gob

Habitable (adj)  -  The condition of an action or activity having the ability to become a habit

Hackberry (n)  -  A fruit so foul as to induce gagging and coughing upon ingestion

Hairball (n)  -  A grand evening of food and dancing sponsored by GreatClips®

Iambic (clause)  -  Statement of self-awareness by a ball-point pen

Icon (clause)  -  Response of a penitentiary inmate to the question "So, what do you do?"

Not That I'm Needy or Anything, But...

Dusty Springfield.

What kind of name is that?

Brings to mind a deadly bout of allergies.

But I digress. The reason her name has come up at all is because of her 1966, number-4-on-the-charts hit, "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me". It's 491 on Rolling Stone's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, and it had a bit of a journey getting there.

This symphonic pop song started out its life as an Italian ditty titled "Io Che No Vivo Senza Te" (literal translation, "I will not live without you"). It was written by Giuseppe Donaggio and Vito Pallavicini, who probably were not members of the Mafia, no matter what you might be thinking.

British pop diva, Sneeze Inducer  -  er  -  Dusty Springfield, heard the song and asked TV producer Vicki Wickham (say that over and over until you giggle) to write some English lyrics for it. The manager of the Yardbirds, Simon Napier-Bell, helped out and "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" was born.

And a more pathetic, pleading, clinging, Fatal Attraction soundtrack has never been written:

When I said, I needed you

You said you would always stay

It wasn't me who changed, but you

And now you've gone away

Don't you see that now you've gone

And I'm left here on my own

That I have to follow you

And beg you to come home

You don't have to say you love me

Just be close at hand

You don't have to stay forever

I will understand

Believe me, believe me

I can't help but love you

But believe me, I'll never tie you down

Sounds EXACTLY like you want to tie me down and keep me wrangled. Run away, Vito! Run away!

Not That I'm Complaining, But...

You know how when people say "To make a long story short" it doesn't really result in making their story any shorter? Yeah, well, this is kinda like that.

Not that I'm complaining, but...

...when the weather forecast changes every four hours, it doesn't make any sense to worry or whine about what the weather app on your phone says is going to happen a week from now.

...convenience store employees that don't know how to smile or use complete sentences ought not to be convenience store employees.

...trying to use a coupon that expired 18 months ago and getting upset when it doesn't work should be grounds for a slap upside the head.

...people really need to start doing the zipper merge, and that includes when a lane ends just beyond a traffic light. And in the same vein...

...picking up your baggage at the airport would be a lot less stressful for everyone if all the wise, thoughtful people would just stand the farnsworth back a couple feet instead of crowding up to the carousel like a bunch of pigs at a trough. Everyone could see down the whole carousel and be prepared for their piece of luggage, instead of having a 10-inch window of opportunity to recognize your bag, elbow past the Yorkshire crowding the carousel, grab your luggage, and be dragged through the next four Herefords while trying to unwedge your Samsonite from under some sow's set of skis.

Just sayin'.

Almost Definitions I

From The Almost the Truth Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean:

Abandoned (v)  -  Allowed a formerly forbidden activity
Abominable (n)  -  An explosive device that can't explode
Adapts (n)  -  Smartphone software that creates merchandising messages
Baccalaureate (n)  -  A sack of leftovers from Laurie's meal
Balladeer (v)  -  Form a sphere with a buck or doe
Cablevision (n)  -  Electronically-charged particle in a taxi driver's blue jeans
Dangly (adv)  -  In a not-quite-damning manner
Declassifiable (clause)  -  A possible answer when asking a student with a sprained ankle where they are going
Earthly (v)  -  Lithening to thomething thecretly
Eavesdropped (clause)  -  What happened when the edge of the roof collapsed
Eclipse (v)  -  What a male barber does when a customer sits in is chair.