Friday, February 23, 2018


One more round of television almosting...

Steers  -  You wanna work on a ranch where everybody knows your name

Different Stokes  -  Things get crazy in the boiler room when two brothers can't agree on the best way to shovel coal.

The Fax of Life  -  Original concept for what later became The Office

The Golden Corral Girls  -  Miami senior citizens discuss life and love while working part-time at their local buffet restaurant

Where's the Boss?  -  Nobody's in charge in this slapstick sitcom

Full Mouse  -  Mickey can't eat another bite of cheese

Hill Street Blues Clues  -  "Who's that at the door of the precinct? Why, it's Lt. Buntz with his latest drug bust!"

L. A. Flaw  -  The San Andreas fault finally casts Los Angeles into the Pacific

Growing Stains  -  Black mold slowly overtakes a family's house

Miami Slice  -  Crockett and Tubbs open a pizza parlor; Crockett is forced to wear socks

Saved by Taco Bell  -  A homeless man secretly lives in the restroom of a California Taco Bell restaurant...which never gets cleaned

Sign Fell  -  The show about nothing...except poor billboard construction

Friday, February 9, 2018

Dogs Will Eat ANYthing

I need to just stop paying attention to what dogs will gladly put in their mouths.

It's bad enough that the canines currently remodeling our house in Early Hairball have decided they need to expand the neighborhood's recycling efforts by ingesting the poopcicles they themselves have deposited in the winter wonderland of our backyard. They also have somehow created a market for critter innards that has resulted in some of the strangest things I've ever seen being on the shelves of PetCo.

While it's true we recently purchased a selection of pig ears for the chewing enjoyment of our dynamic doggies, what we passed up was truly

You know the phrase "Don't put that in your mouth; you don't know where it's been", right? Well, I'm pretty sure I know exACTly where that cow hoof has been, and that is all the greater reason to not want it within 12 yards of my mouth. But dogs? Oh, bring it!

And then there's the "Hackberry Log Smoked Turkey Tendon":

     1.  I've never heard of a hackberry log before, but it doesn't fill me with confidence.
     2.  How many years of culinary training goes in to being able to so carefully prepare such a delicacy?

Nothing like a good ol' knuckle bone to gnaw on, I always say, but that sounds fairly normal compared to the "Dehydrated Beef Trachea". I pity the poor cow walking around who has to hold a hoof over the hole in their throat in order to moo.

Friday, February 2, 2018


Time to cheekily modify some more television classics...

George of the Jungle Gym  -  A dim-witted guy in a loincloth spends FAR too much time at the playground

The Bod Couple  -  Conjoined twins learn to cope when one has insomnia and the other is narcoleptic

The Braidy Bunch  -  Many children; one hairstyle

Ball in the Family  -  The first non-scripted reality show; documents the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Spaulding

Charlie's Angles  -  A sitcom based on the humorous happenings in Charlie Weaver's Geometry class

Hoppy Daze  -  Laverne & Shirley get a little loopy from doing too much product testing at the brewery

Kansas Five-O  -  Detective Steve McGarrett is hot on the trail of a young girl who killed two sisters over the disputed ownership of a pair of ruby slippers

M*A*S*H  -  Hawkeye Pierce is the focus of the fun at the 4077th Maracas And Saxophone Hootenanny

The Muppet Shower  -  London is inundated with ping pong balls and pieces of felt

Welcome Back, Carter  -  An exasperated Marine sergeant goes back to school for anger management classes