Friday, August 28, 2015

Suburban Puma on the Loose!

I met a mountain lion on a walk through our neighborhood.

I was taking a late-summer stroll on one of the many well-groomed paths that snake through the suburbs south of the Minnesota River here in the Land of 10,000 Entitlement mind full of TV theme songs and quotes from Gilligan's Island...when the aforementioned meeting took place.

About 20 yards ahead of me, the big cat crossed the path and entered a wooded area to the left that sloped down to a small creek and back up to the back yards of several houses.

As I put my walk on hold, I thought, "Cool!" But then it got unbelievable.

I saw the mountain lion walk along the fence row, and then, with what looked to be an effortless leap, it jumped the backyard fence of a house...a house with a working barbecue grill on its deck. The cat bounded up the steps of the deck, knocked over the grill, picked up the thickest steak of the bunch, and started back down the steps.

About halfway down the steps, the beast did something you'll never believe. It turned around, went back up to the deck, popped open a cooler, snagged a six-pack with its right paw, and loped back down the steps, across the yard, over the fence, and into the trees...apparently on its way to a relaxing evening with friends.

It's at this point that I feel the need to remind you that this blog is called Almost the Truth.

However, it IS true that there's a path near our house with a wooded creek running beside it.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Half the Fun Is Getting There

The morning trip to the new workplace did NOT go as anticipated.

I had a couple checks I needed to deposit, so I left about ten minutes earlier than would have been necessary. (Do you remember checks? They are pieces of paper that one person or entity gives to another as a directive to the bank of the other person or entity to take a particular amount of money out of the giver's bank account and place it into the receiver's bank account. It's old tech in a new tech world.)

My normal mode of check depositation is to visit the Asset Taking Machine at my local convenience store/gas station/CornNuts dispensary. As I was pulling into said establishment, I decided to fill my three-quarters-empty gas tank. I sidled the car up next to the pumps, got out, opened the gas-cap-covering panel, unscrewed the gas cap, turned to the pump, and reached into my pocket to retrieve my plastic-bearing wallet.

Correction...I reached into my empty pocket.

"Oh crud," thought I.

I hopped back into my mighty motor vehicle and returned home as quickly as was legally possible.

When I got home, I bounded upstairs to where my wallet wasn't. That wasn't my initial plan, of course. I had intended to bound upstairs to where my wallet was, but that's not what happened.

Just as I started breaking into a sweat, I remembered that, the previous afternoon, I had put my wallet into the little glove-box-like thingy between the two front seats of MY CAR.

Yeah...I know.

At that point, I had eaten up those extra minutes I had started with, so there was no longer time to put gas in the car or make the deposit. I went to work. I went directly to work. I did not pass Go and I most definitely did NOT collect $200.

I did make an interesting discovery, though. When I got out of the car at work, I noticed that I had made the whole trip with the gas cap dangling from the side of my car.

Friday, August 14, 2015

A Little Privacy, Please

Alert readers with fairly good memory skills will recall that last week's post slipped in a tiny mention of the end of my job search...and the good news is, the search didn't end because I gave up, but because the incantations I pronounced over my resume and LinkedIn profile finally took effect and fooled some fool into hiring me.

For a while, at least.

Officially, this position with DocumentCzar will last nine months, but there's already talk about how the more amazing I am the more likely it will turn into a long-term gig.

No pressure there.

The biggest pressure for me, actually, is centered in the central area of my body...round about the bladder. Being back in the highly-processed air of an office environment, trying to keep hydrated by ingesting copious amounts of water, I find myself needing to make a few trips down the hallway to the men's room. (There IS a slightly closer rest room, but its door says "whoa men"...I'm not allowed to "go" there.)

At least it's a nice rest room: Touchless dispensers for soap and paper towels, aromatic oils, soft lighting....

The problem is, there's lots of people in this office. People who apparently have the same issue with bladder function as I do. It took me five trips before I got to stand at the grown-up's urinal. Until then, I was stuck trying to hit the mark at the Billy Barty Memorial Porcelain Pee Pot.

And don't even get me started on what happens when I need to do more than a stand-up job.

("Eww...can we move on to a different subject, please?")

Biggest perk so far: my manager keeps a bowl of chocolate on her desk; available for any and all raiders. I've already gained three pounds.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Birthday Blues

In memory of the recent anniversary of the day of my birth:

(To the tune of "Sixteen Candles")
Sixteen candles...
Times three point six two five
That's how long I've been alive
Can you believe this jive?!!?

Blow out my candles
It might take a crowd
And I'm not too proud
To ask you to sing loud

(To the tune of "You're 16 [You're Beautiful and You're Mine]")
I may be your worst nightmare
Losing my hair
But Mama didn't raise no fool
I'm 58
I'm balding
But I'm cool

I'm all wrinkled and plain
With major joint pain
I can't do laps in a pool
I'm 58
I'm balding
But I'm cool

(To the tune of "Sixteen Tons")
You live 52 weeks, and what will transpire?
You're one year older and harder to hire.
St. Peter, just call me; I'm ready to leave.
Unemployment's run out, but I will not grieve.

These gems were written before a late-July offer of full-time employment, with a start date the Monday after my last week of unemployment benefits...the day after my birthday. Nice present!