Friday, September 26, 2014

Quintessential Almostification

While spending time slogging around the World Wide Wackfest, it is not a rare occurrence at all to see a quote attributed to someone who never actually said or wrote the statement in question.

The following picture was offered as one comment in a string of replies to a recent incident of just such an adventure in misinformation.

While I offer apologies, condolences, and a strong What-the-Farnsworth?!? to any readers unfamiliar with either Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter, the picture is such an absolutely perfect example of Almost the Truthosity...if it weren't stolen from sources unknown, it would surely become the new cover photo at the Almost the TruthTM Publishing FaceBook page.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Tweet Repeat

This tweeter couldn't be sweeter 'cause I know you are a reader. So I got what you be needin' and that's what I be feedin', so come and belly up to the bar no matter what you are; whether you're unknown or a great big star, or come by train, plane, or vintage muscle car.

These have already been seen and read on Twitter, but I'm thinking right now nothin' could be fitter than to lay all of them on all of you so you can laugh till your face turns blue...if that's a thing you're prone to do.

  • NotCommonFacts: The least financially successful Harry Potter film made $90 million more than the most successful Twilight movie.” #neener
  • UberFacts: William Shakespeare's birthday, April 23rd in 1564 – He would have been 450 years old.” When he was BORN?!? #longgestation
  • UberFacts: There are spiders big enough to eat snakes in Australia.” ...while spinning a web in New Zealand.
  • UberFacts: Sloths only poop once a week.” but it takes 7 hours.
  • Know: Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.” #AlmostTheTruth says "Eat Your Veggies!"
  • UberFacts: New studies suggest that men really don't understand women's emotions.” #gasp
  • UberFacts: A person will B more willing to do something for you when touching their forearm.” So how do I get them to touch their forearm?
  • UberFacts: Until 2001, Disneyland workers wore company jock straps while in costume... which they returned.” #eww
  • UberFacts: 56% of people fold their underwear while 27% say they just toss it in the drawer.” Apparently, 17% eat theirs.
  • UberFacts: A new study in France suggests people with tattoos drink more than those without.” This a ChickenOrEgg thing
  • Factsionary: Johnny Depp was discovered by Nicolas Cage.” Doing what?
  • Factsionary: Rubbing a slice of lime on your forehead will reduce the pain of a headache.” Insert alcohol-related joke of your choice here
  • UberFacts: Michael J. Fox's middle name is Andrew.” #waitwhat
  • UberFacts: Studies show that people who feel lonely are more likely to take longer showers and longer baths.” Creating More Time Alone
  • UberFacts: In the UK you are legally required to stop your car if you run over a dog, but not a cat.” #justsaying
  • ChristianHumor: I'm at church and I can hear the worship team practicing for Sunday. I'm glad they practice.” #hahaha
  • UberFacts: A "buttload" is a real measurement of volume – One buttload is equal to 126 gallons.” That's a lotta junk in the trunk
  • tomhanks: Summer reading! Alan Furst’s newest and man, that guy hit’s my groove." Hit's? ... Hit's?!? Ack! #grammarpolice
  • UberFacts: Getting your tongue pierced can lead to heart problems.” It's also a sign of mental problems
  • UberFacts: 5Guy’s fries are the most unhealthy in America; nearly 1500 calories & 71 grams of fat.” And probably taste the most #awesome
  • UberFacts: Female-named hurricanes kill more people than male hurricanes do.” #justsaying

  • UberFacts: 123456 is the most commonly password hacked.” or rather, most commonly hacked password. #hireme as your proofreader!
  • Factsionary: The guy who invented Doritos was also buried with Doritos after he died.” Glad it was AFTER he died. Whew!
  • NotCommonFacts: After death,there are 7 minutes of brain activity left. It's the mind playing back memories.” How would anyone know this?
  • UberFacts: Sarcastic people tend to be more creative.” #yeahright
  • UberFacts: jumping thru a tunnel thru the Earth would take about 42-53 minutes.” except 4 stopping in the middle because of GRAVITY
  • UberFacts: The is a website that takes your photo and finds people around the world who look like you.” The is? #HireMe as your proofer
  • UberFacts: It took Leonardo da Vinci 10 years to paint the Mona Lisa's lips.” ...she kept licking them off #diva
  • UberFacts: The starfish is the only animal that can turn its stomach inside out.” or wants to.
  • Know: Well, another day has passed...and I didn't use Algebra once.” #justsaying
  • Factsionary: A plastic shopping bag can take up to 1,000 years to decompose.” but only 3 seconds to rip and drop my eggs
  • UberFacts: A new study released in July 2014 states that even moderate consumption of alcohol is bad for your heath.” or "health" #HireMe
  • UberFacts: Astronauts don’t do laundry, they just throw their underwear out of the ship.” ExplainsWhat I FoundInMyBackyard
  • NotCommonFacts: Your mind spends about 70% of it's time....” Should be "its". #HireMe as your proofer
  • UberFacts: Recycling one aluminum beverage can save enough energy to run a TV for 2 hours.” Should be "saves". #HireMe as your proofreader
  • UberFacts: The average man will spend a year of his life staring at women!” Mine was 1978.
  • UberFacts: ...mosquito bites...stirs up they're saliva.” "They're" should be "their". #HireMe as your proofreader...seriously.
  • UberFacts: There is enough gold on Earth for every person to own 5 golden rings.” 4 calling birds, 3 French hens...
  • UberFacts: A lemon will float in water, but a lime will sink.” Green is heavier than yellow. #AlmostTheTruth
  • NotCommonFacts: Your nightmares&dreams may be memories from another life, studies suggest.” I went 2school naked in another life?!?

Friday, September 12, 2014

Riddle Me This, Batman

Why is it a selling point for Beloved's shampoo to have "Acai Berry Antioxidant" and "Camellia Oil" in it? Ewww...

What's the difference between "Why" and "How come"?

How do single people who don't go to bars and are afraid of the Internet ever meet new people...besides constantly changing jobs, I mean?

At what age do short necklaces on men stop being cool and start being a sad, desperate attempt to retain one's youth?

Why, why, the name of all that is good and decent...why do newspapers continue to waste paper and ink by printing the blank-stare-inducing yawnfest (mistakenly referred to as a "comic strip") titled "Fred Basset"?

Friday, September 5, 2014

Almost the Truthlets, the Sixth

There's something here that's not quite right, methinks. Oh yes, now I know...if you've never seen these snippets before, it means you've not Liked and Followed the Almost the TruthTM Publishing Facebook page.

What the Farnsworth?!!?

  • ♫♪♪ I can sea clearly now, the boat is launched.
  • New book just released: "The Case for Corporal Punishment", by Ben Dover.
  • I am the eggman. They are the eggmen. I am having an identity crisis.
  • Pleasingly plump: recommended translation of the thought "Yes! Of COURSE those jeans make you look fat!"
  • A penny saved is...not worth the trouble.
  • Don't hate me because I'm beautiful...there are lots of other more sensible reasons.
  • Coke...It's the Real Thing...the real, nasty, battery-terminal-cleaning thing.
  • Freedom's just another word for not being locked up or knocked up, but probably being stocked up with fine, feathered friends who have flocked up in support of your general awesomeness.
  • Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain, telling me I'm gonna get wet. But it doesn't bother me or cause me pain, in fact, it's never hurt me yet.
  • Jose, can you see by the neon's flickering light what so proudly we hailed as Taco Bell's best approximation of a burrito?
  • Pride goeth before a fall...and fall goeth before winter.
  • Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows...The Unicorn Diet...legendary weight loss!
  • Favorite song from the Shlocky Horror Pitcher Show: "Let's Do the Mime Twerk Again!"
  • If you can't stand the heat, sit down.