Friday, October 25, 2013

Observed Absurdities™ 11 - Get Well Soon

HUGE THANKS to faithful reader, Drewcifer, for passing along the following fine photo.

File this under Too Little Too Late.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Crushing Cultural Touchstones

Last week's post about how AngelFace didn't know who The Fifth Dimension or the Mamas and Papas were reminded me of these inspired panels from the comic strip Sally Forth, created by Greg Howard, but currently written and drawn by Frencesco Marciuliano and Craig MacIntosh.

Apparently, in daily strips published during the week before this one, Sally and her husband, Ted, have been experiencing some marital conflict...which did not go unnoticed by their 12-year-old daughter, Hilary. The good news is, they've patched things up.

...and now, for the payoff...

Friday, October 11, 2013

Who Are You And What Have You Done With My Daughter?

I've always felt like I've done an acceptable job of fathering our oldest daughter, AngelFace, but now I'm not so sure.

I was sitting at the dining room table, listening to a CD I had just purchased: a two-disc set of the greatest hits of The Fifth Dimension.

AngelFace was passing through and asked, "What are you listening to?"

First of all, you need to understand that I was not sitting at the dining room table using headphones/earbuds/personal music-listening apparatuses to privately listen to the CD I had just purchased. The music was being played...out to any and all personages in the room.

So right away, I was slightly concerned with my oldest daughter's inquiry. She could hear what I was listening to...why did she need to ask me what I was listening to?

Second of all, let me remind you that these were big-time radio hits from the group, not some esoteric, deep album cuts.

Swallowing my disconcernosity, I replied, "The Fifth Dimension."

In response to the blank look on AngelFace's face, I continued, "You know...'Let the sunshine; let the sunshine in'...'Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful baloooooon'?"

AngelFace: "I kinda recognize that first one. Didn't ActorBoy sing that in OnStage at school?"

"Yes, but c'mon...The Fifth Dimension! One Less Bell to Answer? I Got the Wedding Bell Blues? They're like the black Mamas and Papas."

It was then AngelFace asked the question I never thought I would hear coming from the mouth of any of my offspring...

"Who are the Mamas and Papas?"

We should get the results of the paternity test tomorrow.

Friday, October 4, 2013

A Drink from the Fount of Knowledge

A refreshing blast of actual actualities: 

  • In Maine, it is illegal to have outdoor Christmas decorations past January 14th.
  • China has more English-speaking residents than the United States.
  • UPS trucks get 15,000 parking tickets in New York City every month.
  • In New Jersey, it is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while committing murder. [So…if I do wear one, is it proof that the murder was not pre-planned?]
  • The average mobile phone contains more bacteria than the average toilet seat. [Maybe we should start sitting on our phones…just to clean them up a bit.]
  • The filling in Oreo cookies was originally made of pork fat. [The perfect snack…Bacon Oreos!]

  • According to the British Journal of Cancer, eating pickles regularly can double your risk of developing esophageal cancer. [What if a person eats them irregularly…like…while standing on their head or in a bowl of stir-fry chicken?]
  • You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark.
  • Farting can help reduce high blood pressure and is beneficial to your health. [Assuming you are the farter and not the fartee]
  • Sarcasm increases oxygen to the brain, which also keeps the brain from overheating. [Assuming you are the sarcaser and not the sarcasee…no wonder my brain is so cool]
  • The guy who voiced the Pillsbury Doughboy’s laugh was making the equivalent of over $300,000 a year just for that laugh. [This kind of ticked me off…then depressed me…then I started wondering what “the equivalent of” meant…was he paid off in crescent rolls?]