Friday, May 25, 2012

Almost the News XVI

Coast Guard Plans to Start Icebreaking
According to a Coast Guard news release, they will begin with a round of "My Ship Sails With..." followed by a highly-competitive charades tournament.

Warden Seeking Fence for Prison
"After all," stated Warden Harry Lockem, "being sent to prison does not automatically strip a person of his right to a little extra money by pawning watches and toy guns carved from bars of soap."

Mom Delivers Baby Weighing Nearly 14 Pounds
A hospital spokesperson said they have never treated such an underweight mother before.

Walker Signs Bill on Cellphones, Driving
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker explored a technological frontier today by signing a bill using multiple cellphones. Unfortunately, because he was operating a motorized vehicle at the time, not only are the bills not legally signed into law, but Governor Walker will be spending 20 days in the hoosegow.

Driver Killed Fleeing Police in Stolen Car
While the loss of life is indeed tragic, it has yet to be determined why the police were in a stolen car or what, exactly, they were fleeing.

737 Crashes in Pakistan, Killing 127
Aeronautic specialists released this statement: "Hey, only one death per every 5.8 crashes? That's not half bad!"

Two Hikers Held in Iran Are Married
Oh! When will the torture end?!!?

Friday, May 18, 2012

Paul's First Epistle to the Facebookians

PAUL, an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, sent to share the Good Status Update to all who are friends and friends of friends up to the fifth generation.

LIKE to you and all your friends, family, co-workers, and relationships, be they complicated or not. How often I have wanted to Chat with you, but my lack of bandwidth wreaks havoc with that app. Whenever I try to use it, my Hidden Chronicles game slows to a crawl and I might as well be reading a newspaper.

My <3 overflows with joy when I see all your reposts from the Quotes That Inspire page. Your desire to spread wisdom, no matter how incongruously illustrated, is Way Cool and worthy of a multitude of Likes.

I do have this one matter of concern, my friends. It appears that an inordinate share of the personal photos you have posted involve a concerted effort to appear under-educated, over-intoxicated, and/or oblivious to common sense and general propriety. This is not a matter of salvation, but it is always advisable to refrain from any appearance of utter stupidity.

Many will say to Him on that day, "Lord, Lord, I Liked your fan page! I listed you as someone who inspires me...right next to Tom Hanks and Reba McEntire! I reposted all those anti-evolution articles!" And He will say to them, "Depart from me, you who download illegally, I never Friended you."

FINALLY, as far as it is up to you, Friend the downtrodden, Block the evil one, and offer your account settings up to God as a pleasing sacrifice.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Just Plain Nuts

Beloved and I recently took a trip, in the preparation for which, I was assigned the task of going to the grocery store and procuring a couple snacks for us to have during the flight...seeing as how Wright Airlines planned on having "snacks available for purchase." ( I'm going to shell out three dollars for a 1.5 ounce bag of trail mix.)

I picked up my bag of sourdough nibblers and headed to the nut aisle...because that's where I feel the most at home (har-dee-...and may I say...har). Picking up a bag of "Whole Natural Almonds," it didn't surprise me...but it DID tickle read the ingredients: "Almonds."

Further amusement was had as I continued reading: "Allergy Warning: Contains almonds."

Whew! I sure am glad they warned me that this bag of Whole Natural Almonds contains almonds, because I'm allergic to almonds and I wouldn't want...oh brother.

But what DID surprise me, befuddle me, and come to the cusp of confusing me was the following disclaimer:
May contain traces of milk, eggs, brazil nuts, cashews, coconut, filberts, macadamia nuts, pecans, pine nuts, pistachios, walnuts, peanuts, wheat and soy

All in a bag of Whole Natural Almonds, the bag for which had to be twice as big as what would have been necessary to contain the almonds there would be room to print all the warnings and legal ramblings.

Maybe I should have just bought TWO bags of sourdough nibblers.

Friday, May 4, 2012

How Deep Is Your Earworm?

Here's three months' worth of those persistent, insistent irritants that pound through my head first thing in the morning.

3 – Turn (Larry Norman) If ANYONE among my faithful readers (or faithless readers for that matter…no need to be exclusive on this) has ever heard this song before: 1) I will be shocked, amazed, stunned, and generally apoplectic; and 2) I think I just found a new Friend For Life.
4 – Turn (Larry Norman) Okay…this is quite enough. Maybe if I inflict you readers with it, I won’t have to deal with it anymore: [Found this video on the 8th...wonder what the 9th’s earworm will be…)
7 – Greater Than Grace (Point of Grace)…though I was actually hearing Beloved’s cover version (
8 – Oh How He Loves Us (David Crowder Band) I’m really glad this was just an auditory adventure and did not include the visual from the YouTube video ( To say the least, Mr. Crowder is not my nominee for Sexiest Man of the Year.
9 – Surprise! No earworm this morning!
14 – Get a Job (The Silhouettes) Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na…
15 – Funkytown/Time Won’t Let Me (Lipps Inc./The Outsiders) A mental mash-up that answers its own question: “Won’t you take me to Funkytown? Time won’t let me, oh no…”
17 – Whenever I Call You Friend (Kenny Loggins & Stevie Nicks)
23 – Anything Goes (from the musical of the same name, though many may remember it from the opening scene of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)
24 – If I Can’t Have You (Yvonne Elliman)
28 – Made to Love (Toby Mac)

7 – When We All Get to Heaven
9 – Where Do the Children Play?/Lady (Cat Stevens/Little River Band) It always surprises me when the Earworm Fairy drops a mash-up into my brain.
15 – Babe (Styx)
16 – My Hair Goes… (Rhett & Link) These guys are the Kings of YouTube. Go there. Search for them. Be thou amused.
18 – How Deep Is Your Love? (Bee Gees)
19 – How Deep Is Your Love? (Bee Gees)
20 – How Deep Is Your Love? (Bee Gees) Yeah…pretty annoying.
23 – Escape (The Pina Colada Song – Rupert Holmes)
28 – Hurt So Good (John Mellencamp)
30 – My Hair Goes… (My brain seems to be on its own feedback loop. And this isn’t even a song as much as it’s a comedy bit. Here, judge for yourself, and take it away from me!

3 – Take Time To Be Holy (Hymn)
4 – Don’t Go Breaking My Heart (Elton John & Kiki Dee) Truly insidious
5 – We’re An American Band (Grand Funk Railroad) There…that’s more like it.
16 – Dancing in the Street (Martha and the Vandellas…although I was actually hearing The Mamas & the Papas and also have fond memories of a David Bowie/Mick Jagger rendition) Perhaps the reason I had this particular song spinning this morning is that I finally finished my taxes.
18 – Happy Together (Turtles)