Almost the News XVI

Coast Guard Plans to Start Icebreaking

According to a Coast Guard news release, they will begin with a round of "My Ship Sails With..." followed by a highly-competitive charades tournament.

Warden Seeking Fence for Prison

"After all," stated Warden Harry Lockem, "being sent to prison does not automatically strip a person of his right to a little extra money by pawning watches and toy guns carved from bars of soap."

Mom Delivers Baby Weighing Nearly 14 Pounds

A hospital spokesperson said they have never treated such an underweight mother before.

Walker Signs Bill on Cellphones, Driving
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker explored a technological frontier today by signing a bill using multiple cellphones. Unfortunately, because he was operating a motorized vehicle at the time, not only are the bills not legally signed into law, but Governor Walker will be spending 20 days in the hoosegow.

Driver Killed Fleeing Police in Stolen Car
While the loss of life is indeed tragic, it has yet to be determined why the police were in a stolen car or what, exactly, they were fleeing.

737 Crashes in Pakistan, Killing 127
Aeronautic specialists released this statement: "Hey, only one death per every 5.8 crashes? That's not half bad!"

Two Hikers Held in Iran Are Married
Oh! When will the torture end?!!?