Almost the News XXIII

 

Real headlines. Almosted stories.

City Appoints First Woman as Mayor
In the first political use of time travel, the city council in Eden, North Carolina has replaced the late Mayor Bubba Rotunda with Eve.

Police Chief to Retire
In a show of solidarity with the city's grease monkeys, police chief Hiredtu Katchem changed the tires on all the squad cars.

MPD Training Video Under Fire
In this breaking news, a VHS tape used to train Minneapolis police officers is currently trapped in an alley while being shot at.

6 Charged in Organized Mass Thefts on Black Friday
In a special Black Friday session, the 6 thieves who stole several well-planned masses were electrocuted.

Shooting Survivors Expand Suit Against School
In a dizzying display of quantum physics, a matching set of pants and jacket that is leaning on Oxford High School is growing larger every time an episode of the television series Survivor is shot.

I GOT...Youuu Baaaaaaabe

 

The 444th greatest song of all time, according to Rolling Stone magazine, is Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe." After having heard it incessantly during the annual watching of Groundhog Day (still don't understand why they didn't use "The Beat Goes On"), I thought the lyrics could stand a little touching up, considering the passing years and the current climate.

They say we're old; don't have a clue

And Covid's so much worse than just the flu

Well I don't know if they've got it right

My aches and fever keep me up all night

Babe

I got flu babe

I got flu babe

They say cooking is just a waste

Before it's through, I'll lose my sense of taste

I guess that's so if that's what I've got

But at least I'm sure to stay close to the pot

Babe

I got flu babe

I got flu babe

I got fever in my head

I need help to leave my bed

And when I'm sad, you're a clown

But when I eat, I can't keep it down

Don't let them say my life is done

I've lived through worse, like the blizzard of '91

Rode bikes with no helmet, drank from a hose

I won't be stopped by just a runny nose

Babe

I got flu babe

I got flu babe

I got you to hold my hand

Plus this cane to help me stand

I got you to walk with me

Speak up when you talk with me

I got you to kiss goodnight

Even though I've lost my sight

I got you, I won't let go

Only you could walk this slow

I got you babe

If I Had Been Cast Instead Of...Part Too

 

With thanks to the Reface app.

...The Red Hot Chili Peppers

...Jeff Daniels

...Chris Evans

...Hugh Grant

...Robert Downey Jr.

...John, Paul, and George

...Will Smith

Munster M*A*S*H

 

It had been a long O.R. session, and Dr. Benjamin "Herman" Pierce was running on fumes as he shuffled toward the mausoleum he shared with Trapper John and Frank Burns, affectionately called "The Swamp."

"I wouldn't mind it so much if I could have found some spare parts. My right foot needs to be replaced and my neck bolts are totally stripped. Speaking of stripped, hello there, Lily."

Head Nurse Lily "Hotlips" Hoolihan sneered as she spit out, "The only stripping you'll ever see me doing is when I remove that layer of fungus from your back."

"If it's on my back, how can I see it?"

"I'll tear your head off and --"

Just then, the company clerk, Eddie "FangBoy" O'Reilly, walked by and said, "I could scrounge up some new bolt-thingies for your neck if you're afraid of losing your head, Herman."

"FangBoy, you're my savior!"

O'Reilly shrugged his shoulders as he added, "There's just one thing though. I really need a couple days in Tokyo to visit the blood bank and Colonel Blake is away at that medical conference and Major Burns is in charge, temporary-wise, and he won't issue me a pass and he won't sign a blank one the way I can always get Colonel Blake to, which I can't since he's not here because of the medical conference that he is away at."

Pierce raised his unibrow and said, "If I ever unravel that sentence, I'm sure it will lead me to offer you some assistance. How about I get Father Mulgrampa to get you a hardship leave, temporary-wise?"

"Ooooh, could you?!?"

"It would be my pleasure, my delight, my source of joy and contentment."

"Yeah, but would you mind?"

"Anything for new neck bolts."

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Herman bent over to enter the chaplain's tent, then looked up to see Father Mulgrampa hanging by his feet from the top of the center pole.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Father. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Not at all, my son. Just finishing a little nap." As he settled into a chair, the chaplain continued. " I always seem to have more energy during the night. What can I do for you?"

"Well, it's about FangBoy."

"Ah, Eddie O'Reilly. A dear fellow. Type O, I believe."

"Yes, well, you see...the thing is, he's been under a lot of stress lately and could really use some R and R in Tokyo."

"Going a little batty, eh?"

"Exactly! Which really sucks."

"Don't I know it!"

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

When Father Mulgrampa entered Major Burns' (temporary) office, Frank nervously looked up from the desk and with far too much irritation practically shouted, "What IS it?!!? Oh...hello Father...I, uh, wasn't doing anything wrong. I mean...I wasn't expecting you. That is...uh...what what what...um...what do you want?"

"It has come to my attention that Corporal O'Reilly would benefit from a tw0-day pass to Tokyo. Now, I know that you --"

"Yes, that's fine! Whatever you think's best. Just get out! I mean, um, if that's all you need, then you're dismissed."

As the office door closed behind the departing chaplain, Lily Hoolihan whispered from under the desk, "Is he gone?"

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Mulgrampa handed the pass to Pierce, who crossed the compound to give it to O'Reilly, who gleefully exchanged it for two mostly-shiny bolts.

As Herman's hand closed around the hardware, it separated itself at the wrist and plopped into the dust.

Filled with disappointment and anger, Herman jumped up and down and shouted "Darn! Darn, darn, darn!" at which point the earthquake siren went off, a stream of people rushed out of the mess tent, and the hand - still holding the neck bolts - got kicked into the latrine.

Herman looked to the skies and sighed, "This is what I get for losing my head...well...almost."

Come As You Are: "Hey, It's Totally Safe to Come for a Visit. Honest."

 

In trying to understand the lyrics of "Come As You Are" by Nirvana (Number 445 in Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time), I thought it might be a good idea to go to the writer himself.

Kurt Cobain told an interviewer when asked about the second major hit off Nevermind, "It's just about people and what they're expected to act like. The lines in the song are really contradictory. One after another, they're kind of a rebuttal to each other."

Well now, let's see about that:

Come doused in mud, soaked in bleach

Can't say I've ever expected any person to act like that. But he's got the contradictory stuff down to a tee:

Come as you are, as you were

As I want you to be

As a friend, as a friend

As an old enemy

Take your time, hurry up

Choice is yours, don't be late

And then there's the whole "And I swear that I don't have a gun. No, I don't have a gun" that he keeps repeating and repeating. Sounds like "Want some candy, little girl? No, I'm not going to shove you in my van and drive away. I just want to give you some candy, some candy, some candy..."

Methinks thou dost protest too much.

Observed Absurdities™ 53 - Pollo y Carne es Muy Loco

 

I came across something while I was looking for something else and I'm thinking this is really something.

Behold the latest abomination to hit your grocer's shelves:

This raises a few questions in my questionable mind:

       1. Cluck'nMoo  -  Is this the sound these unnatural concoctions make if they aren't cooked all the way? Or is it the sound the consumer makes if they eat the whole box?

       2. Burgers  -  You DO know that if it's made from chicken, it's a patty, not a burger, right? You can only call it a burger if it's made from red meat (like beef, buffalo, elk, etc.)...or green mucus, I suppose.

       3. Grass Fed  -  Why would I want the source of my burgers to be recreational drug users?

       4. Beef & Chicken  -  Are there separate beef patties and chicken patties in this box, or is each patty a mixture of beef and chicken? Either way, there is absolutely nothing All Natural about this arrangement.

       5. Grown Without the Use of Antibiotics  -  So, as far as we know, these patties could be made from cows and chickens that were sick?

       6. Humanely Raised  -  Maybe, but then they went ahead and killed them, right?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Dewey Answers the Answers to Airplane Passengers' Questions

 

If you've been wandering around the World Wide Wackfest for any length of time, you have no doubt come across clickbait articles like "20 Things Producers Tried to Hide About How I Met Your Mother" or "83 Life Hacks to Make the World a Better Place". They usually are great dispensers of disappointment and seem to be written by poorly-trained lemurs with very shakey grammar skills.

And it's not the actual "20 Things" or "83 Life Hacks" that I take issue with. What tends to tie my stomach in a knot are the couple sentences elaborating on those main statements.

Let me give some examples from an ad-distribution vehicle I recently read. The article was titled, "Pilots Answer 45 Questions All Airplane Passengers Have."

Right off the bat, you know I can't let that title have a free pass. ALL airline passengers ask these 45 questions? I've been an airline passenger several times and have never asked any of them...out loud. I may have wondered about, maybe, 6 of the 45, but never in a million years would I ever actually ask them. (Which may be why I clicked on the article to begin with?)

Well anyway, like I said, the questions themselves aren't so offbase, but some of the accompanying explanations...sheesh.

Which Citizenship Will a Baby Born on Board Claim?
This can be quite tricky, but there are options to consider. The first option is; the baby claims the citizenship of the country where the plane landed. Another is the country over which the baby is born.

Then of course there are the two obvious answers: 1) How about the citizenship of the parents, and 2) Since when do babies claim anything about themselves?

Does the Toilet Content Drop into Oceans?
Many believe that because a plane has to be light in weight, the toilet waste can't and won't be stored. So, some assume that all the waste generated by passengers will be disposed into the clouds to avoid excessive weight.

What does weight have to do with this? I'm pretty sure that whatever is being put into an airplane's toilet is already on the airplane. Do people think when they go to the restroom they are magically creating mass that wasn't already inside their bodies?

Can Pilots Have Beards, Mustache, and Facial Piercings?

Can you imagine a passenger reaching up, pushing the flight attendant call button, anxiously waving the attendant over, and asking this question?

How Long Does Oxygen Mask Last?
Oxygen mask in the plane is worn by pilots at all times. There isn't a need for passengers to wear one because the oxygen level in the plane is artificially balanced to allow good breathing. Should the cabin become depressurized at a high altitude, the need to use the masks will be become necessary to avoid losing consciousness. These oxygen masks can last for 10 to 15 minutes. During this period, the pilot would have reduced the altitude of the plane for proper breathing.

First of all, this question and its answer are prime examples of why I talked about poorly-trained lemurs earlier. Second of all, I'm pretty sure those plastic oxygen masks will be taking up space in landfills long after the human race is extinct. Third of all, I need to check with a pilot friend of mine about the pilots wearing masks all the time. Do you mean to tell me the cockpit isn't at the same level of oxygen and air pressure as the rest of the plane? Then why doesn't something drastic happen when the co-pilot leaves the cockpit to go to the baggage compartment for a smoke?

Do Pilots Sleep Inside the Cockpit?
Well, it's more of a nap than sleep. According to statistics, more than half of pilots have fallen asleep by mistake while flying a plane. The beauty of modern airplanes is that they can fly automatically.

Well, I just looked it up and the definition of napping is "sleeping". Also, I'm pretty sure the beauty of modern airplanes is that I will never fly on them again after reading this.