It had been a long O.R. session, and Dr. Benjamin "Herman" Pierce was running on fumes as he shuffled toward the mausoleum he shared with Trapper John and Frank Burns, affectionately called "The Swamp."
"I wouldn't mind it so much if I could have found some spare parts. My right foot needs to be replaced and my neck bolts are totally stripped. Speaking of stripped, hello there, Lily."
Head Nurse Lily "Hotlips" Hoolihan sneered as she spit out, "The only stripping you'll ever see me doing is when I remove that layer of fungus from your back."
"If it's on my back, how can I see it?"
"I'll tear your head off and --"
Just then, the company clerk, Eddie "FangBoy" O'Reilly, walked by and said, "I could scrounge up some new bolt-thingies for your neck if you're afraid of losing your head, Herman."
"FangBoy, you're my savior!"
O'Reilly shrugged his shoulders as he added, "There's just one thing though. I really need a couple days in Tokyo to visit the blood bank and Colonel Blake is away at that medical conference and Major Burns is in charge, temporary-wise, and he won't issue me a pass and he won't sign a blank one the way I can always get Colonel Blake to, which I can't since he's not here because of the medical conference that he is away at."
Pierce raised his unibrow and said, "If I ever unravel that sentence, I'm sure it will lead me to offer you some assistance. How about I get Father Mulgrampa to get you a hardship leave, temporary-wise?"
"Ooooh, could you?!?"
"It would be my pleasure, my delight, my source of joy and contentment."
"Yeah, but would you mind?"
"Anything for new neck bolts."
* * * * * * *
Herman bent over to enter the chaplain's tent, then looked up to see Father Mulgrampa hanging by his feet from the top of the center pole.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Father. I didn't mean to wake you."
"Not at all, my son. Just finishing a little nap." As he settled into a chair, the chaplain continued. " I always seem to have more energy during the night. What can I do for you?"
"Well, it's about FangBoy."
"Ah, Eddie O'Reilly. A dear fellow. Type O, I believe."
"Yes, well, you see...the thing is, he's been under a lot of stress lately and could really use some R and R in Tokyo."
"Going a little batty, eh?"
"Exactly! Which really sucks."
"Don't I know it!"
* * * * * * *
When Father Mulgrampa entered Major Burns' (temporary) office, Frank nervously looked up from the desk and with far too much irritation practically shouted, "What IS it?!!? Oh...hello Father...I, uh, wasn't doing anything wrong. I mean...I wasn't expecting you. That is...uh...what what what...um...what do you want?"
"It has come to my attention that Corporal O'Reilly would benefit from a tw0-day pass to Tokyo. Now, I know that you --"
"Yes, that's fine! Whatever you think's best. Just get out! I mean, um, if that's all you need, then you're dismissed."
As the office door closed behind the departing chaplain, Lily Hoolihan whispered from under the desk, "Is he gone?"
* * * * * * *
Mulgrampa handed the pass to Pierce, who crossed the compound to give it to O'Reilly, who gleefully exchanged it for two mostly-shiny bolts.
As Herman's hand closed around the hardware, it separated itself at the wrist and plopped into the dust.
Filled with disappointment and anger, Herman jumped up and down and shouted "Darn! Darn, darn, darn!" at which point the earthquake siren went off, a stream of people rushed out of the mess tent, and the hand - still holding the neck bolts - got kicked into the latrine.
Herman looked to the skies and sighed, "This is what I get for losing my head...well...almost."
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