Headlines to Hope For in 2019

What kind of happiness would be unleashed upon an unsuspecting world if we saw these headlines next year?

Calvin and Hobbes Makes Glorious Return to the Comics Page

Twitter Cancels President Trump's Account

CNN is Replaced by Animal Fails Channel

Movie Popcorn Prices Reduced to Only Cover the Actual Cost

Fred Basset Retires #FredBassetMustDie

Almost the Truth About Youth Ministry: Salesmen, Secretaries and Smart Alecks Tops Best-Seller List

Moratorium Declared on All 2020 Campaign Coverage Until, You Know, 2020

Walt Disney Thaws Out and Stops Production of All "Live Action" Remakes

Make a Non-Christmas Disney Movie Festive

The Hallmark Channel was so pleased with last week's Christmasization of non-Christmas movies, now the Disney Channel has asked for my help as well...

• Snow White and the Seven Elves  -  The woodsman is replaced by an Inuit, who abandons Snow White somewhere near the North Pole.
• Dumbo the Red-Trunked Reinephant
• Cinderclaus
• Alice in Bethlehem
• 20,000 Grinches Under the Sea
• Mrs. Claus and the Tramp  -  This one might actually be rated PG-13 and released through Touchstone Pictures.
• The Sword in the Stocking

• Merry Poppins
• Honey, I Shrink-Wrapped the Kids
• Beauty and the Figgy Pudding
• The Lion King Wenceslas
• The Fruitcake of Notre Dame
• Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Magi
• Regifting Nemo

Make a Non-Christmas Movie Festive

I've been called upon to retool some popular movies to help fill up the gap in the Hallmark Channel's practically year-round schedule of Christmas movies...

• Stars Wars: Episode I  -  The Fruitcake Menace
• Star Wars: Episode II  -  Attack of the Amazon Drones
• Star Wars: Episode III  -  Rudolph of the Sith
• Star Wars: Episode IV  -  A New Ho-Ho-Hope
• Star Wars: Episode V  -  The Elves Strike Back
• Star Wars: Episode VI  -  Return of the Unwanted Gift
• Star Wars: Episode VII  -  The Grandpa Awakens
• Star Wars: Episode VIII  -  The Last Eggnog
• While You Were Sleeping with Visions of Sugarplums Dancing in Your Head
• Back to the Ghost of Christmas Future

• Harry Potter and Santa's Stone
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Mistletoe
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the North Pole
• Harry Potter and the Yule Log on Fire
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Magi
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Pudding
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Off-Key Caroler
• Raiders of the Lost Ornament
• Indiana Jones and the Temple of PaRumPumPumPum
• Indiana Jones and the Red Kettle Crusade
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Creche

Click Bait: A Poem

I must admit
I'd like to quit
And stop this dogged, drudging, desperate deadline
I have to seek
Each stinking week
A happy, harmless, halfway-humorous headline

Some clever quip
More smart than flip
To make the masses move their mouse and click-click
An opening phrase
To clear the haze
Seducing several scrollers like a chick flick

It's getting harder
From an empty larder
To promptly pull out people-pleasing pun-puns
Especially when
Stuck in your den
Your mind has melted to a mass of month-old Funyuns

Trudge on, I do
Because of you
My faithful friends, all fortified by laughter
Along with hugs
Grins outlast drugs
Wide smiles are what I want; the wish I'm after

Observed Absurdities™ 43 - This Is NOT My Fault

Let me be perfectly clear.

I have nothing to do with what ads Google chooses to show you when you read this blog. While I suppose a particular blog's content may have a modicum of influence on what shows up at the bottom of each article, I suspect a larger percentage of the blame goes to whatever cookies or browsing history Google AdSense detects in your Worldwide Wackfest-browsing implement of choice.

I suspect this because as I was recently proofreading a future post, Google engaged all its wisdom, deduced that I'm in the middle of a search for full-time employment, and presented me the following ad:

What disturbs me about this is not the Big-Brotherosity of it all. I have made peace with the fact that there is hardly such a thing as a private life anymore. No, the thing about this ad that makes me think, "What the farnsworth?" is that there's apparently a disorder out there...

...a disorder that enough people suffer from that they need to be officially registered...

...a disorder that involves eating nurses.

#MedicalZombies
#Eww

Shop Around: The 495th Greatest Song of All Time

Okay, I admit it...my introduction to Shop Around was NOT Smokey Robinson and the Miracles' definitive version. The first time I heard it was in 1976 (16 years after Smokey made it Motown's first million-seller) and it was the cover version recorded by The Captain & Tennille.

Going backward to hear the original hit not only involved a gender shift and a welcome entrance to the world of doo-wop, but a realization that Smokey Robinson's mama must have been one controlling wad of overbearing womanhood.

Seriously.

The verses are written as words of wisdom coming from the mouth of a caring mother, but check 'em out:

Just because you've become a young man now

There're still some things that you don't understand now

Before you ask some girl for her hand now

Keep your freedom for as long as you can now

My mama told me, you better shop around

Oh yeah, you better shop around

Translation: You're still my baby boy and I want you to stay with me instead of running off with some other woman. 

Oh, there're some things that I want you to know now

Just as sure as the wind's gonna blow now

The women come and the women are gonna go now

Before you tell 'em that you love 'em so now

My mama told me, you better shop around

Oh yeah, you better shop around

Translation: I'm the only female on Earth who will be true to you!

And then, as if this blatant neediness and industrial-strength-apron-stringiness isn't enough, Mama gets...

well...

very interesting:

Try to get yourself a bargain, son

Don't be sold on the very first one

I know, I know...it's supposed to be a metaphor, but seriously? Why are we talking about the search for a lifemate in terms of a financial transaction? Doesn't this strike anyone else as pimpishly creepy?

And then there's this bit of anti-female gender-centric sexism that would never be allowed today:

Pretty girls come a dime a dozen

Immediately followed by a broad, general instruction with no hint of how to practically carry it out:

Try to find you one who's gonna give you true lovin'

Not to mention that it perpetuates the stereotype that an experienced guy is a good find, but a girl who's been around is...well...you know...

Observed Absurdities™ 42 - Any Way You Slice It

I recently made the mistake of picking up some groceries for Beloved.

I call it a mistake because going into a grocery store with a short list of simple items that Beloved wants me to purchase never...and I use that term advisedly...never turns out as one would expect...unless one would expect a disaster somewhere on a scale between minor and earth-shattering.

It sounds so simple when she says something like "get a can of olives." So......simple......yeah-no.

Black olives or green olives? Small, medium, or large? Pitted or non-pitted?

Or ex-pitted?

Or pitiful?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

And then there's the trauma of trying to FIND the stuff. I'm pretty sure there was an edict sent out to all grocery store managers that requires them to lay out their stores with absolutely no regard to any line of logical thinking. Are olives a vegetable or a condiment? Beans are kind of a vegetable, but I put them in chili so maybe they should be with the sauces.

During the recent trip mentioned in today's opening sentence, I just needed to get some sliced provolone cheese. Imagine my glee when I saw a large placard featuring sliced cheese.

Imagine the deflation of my adventurous spirit when I saw what was on the shelves under the "Sliced Cheese" placard:

I eventually found the cheese...under a sign that said "Dad Jokes For Sale".