Change a Word; Ruin a TV Series

These are ALMOST television classics...

• Game of Tomes  -  An epic tale of deceit, murder, and mayhem, while one family after another fights for the keys to the local library
• Bar Trek  -  Their mission, to boldly go where no one has been drunk before
• Fiends  -  A group of people who are really mean to each other drink a lot of coffee
• Steinfelt  -  A stand-up comedian in New York City chooses the wrong material from which to fashion a mug for his beer
• M*E*S*H  -  The merry mix-ups that occur in a stockings factory
• The Pig Bang Theory  -  Supplying weapons to swine is never a good idea

• Steers  -  There's a ranch a-way out west where everybody knows your name
• Handy Griffith  -  Southern sheriff gets arrested on molestation charges
• Saturday Afternoon Live  -  Live feeds from across America of people mowing their lawns, shopping, and taking naps.
• 44 Minutes  -  All that's left of an hour after the commercials
• dirtysomething  -  Drama about baby boomers working in a laundry
• Buffy the Spider Slayer  - Teen queen exterminator
• Stall in the Family  -  A rest room attendant wishes his meathead son-in-law would take over the family business

The Memes of Oz

 

Just Wondering

While working on last week's homonym-laden list of New Year's resolutions, I started getting curious about several things:

• Is the son of a tailor called an alter boy?
• If you eat minnows, will you get baited breath?
• When you get evicted from a concert, should you say "I'm with the banned"?
• If you kidnap a girl and her boyfriend, is that called tying things up with a beau?

• How long does a mane need to be in order to make a donkey braid?
• If a baseball batter became a baker, would he make bunt cake?
• In a vegetable rock band, would a beet be the drummer?
• If I needed to sleep on a train, would you be willing to give berth?
• Is a tornado's favorite color blew?
• How many rent-payers standing along the edge of our country would it take to make a boarder border?
• If someone prays to Jesus while trying to get water out of a boat, is that a Christian bail?

Resolutions Too Live Buy

This year, I solemnly resolve to:

• Take purposeful steps to lower my wait
• Bless my guitar-playing lumberjack friends with a random ax of kindness
• Cache more cash
• Avoid ail
• Enjoy more fresh heir
• Ade thirsty people

• Joyfully sing allowed
• Be a better bettor
• Increase the size of my salads by a mega-bite
• Be less bored of directors
• Add more items to my collection of pleasing cents
• Take a chance at righting some chants
• Spend more time being awed by things that are odd

Headlines Wish List - 2017

Things I would love to read as news items in the coming year.

• Rosemount, Minnesota Has Lowest Snowfall in Recorded History
• Fred Bassett Permanently Cancelled
• Everything Old Is New Again: The Resurgence of Classic Rock
• Washington DC Is Epicenter of Huge Spiritual Revival (and, like, you can tell it's for real because this isn't even an election year)
• Netflix Is Streaming New Episodes of Firefly (but missing Ron Glass)

• Ringo Starr Installed as Britain's New Prime Minister
• Chicago Cubs Win World Series...Again
• Whatever Happened to Miley Cyrus?
• Woodchuck Union Publishes Chucked Wood Totals
• New Weight Tables Released; 20 Over Is the New Perfect

Stupid Stories™: One Wish

I was shopping for a "white elephant" Christmas gift this week and found an old oil lamp at Goodwill that I deemed worthy.

I took it home, and as I was cleaning it up a little, an honest-to-goodness genie appeared!

"Thank you, master, for freeing me from the lamp," intoned the genie. "It is my duty and pleasure to grant you one wish."

As you can imagine, I was fairly shocked. "One wish?!?? What happened to three wishes? I thought a genie always granted three wishes! You mean to tell me that Disney's Aladdin isn't historically accurate?!?"

The genie shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, the economy's been in the dumper for a while now, you know? The union had to make concessions."

"Wow. Bummer."

"Tell me about it. So...what'll it be? Riches? Fame? A restored hairline?"

Doing my best to ignore that last suggestion, I said, "I know exactly what I want! Ever since Steve McGarrett first told Danno to "Book 'em," I've wanted to visit Hawaii. The problem is, I'm deathly afraid of flying, and just the thought of spending three days in a ship crossing the ocean makes me lose my lunch. But I like to drive, so Genie, I wish for you to build a road from California to Hawaii!"

The genie's eyes grew as big as pineapples, and he said, "Are you insane?!!? Do you realize how much concrete and asphalt that would take? And how many miles deep the pylons would have to go? Not to mention the environmental impact and needing to compensate for ocean currents...no...that's crazy...I just can't do it!"

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed, but I had a backup plan.

"Well, if that's too difficult for you, I've got something else I've always wanted...and I don't think it will take any manual labor on your part at all. You see...I've been married for several years, and I love my wife completely...but...well...I don't really understand her. It's not just her, mind you. All women are confusing to me. So I guess my wish would be to be able to understand women."

The genie got out a piece of paper and a pencil and asked, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge to Hawaii?"

Do You Want to Melt a Snowman?

You never know what might happen when SweetCheeks and I are together and somebody hits RECORD.

Like 98.7% of females under the age of 32, Granddaughter SweetCheeks has had "Let It Go" (from the Disney film, Below 32 Degrees) memorized for quite some time. In fact, we had just sung it together when she decided she wanted to do a different song for the camera.

And so, in the Christmas spirit of gift-giving, let me present my off-the-cuff parody, "Do You Want to Melt a Snowman?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSFUHEENk8A

It's a Christmas miracle!