Unless something absolutely unexpected happened between when I wrote this and when it got posted (as in, now), Tuesday, September 30, will be my last day working for Big Brother, Inc. (BBI lost its bid on The New Contract and all of us goons working on The Old Contract are being let go: "This really makes the Executive Council feel bad. We'll think of you often as we continue to make our six-figure salaries.")
And so, this is my last chance to publish these work-related Bitstrip comics featuring Queen CanDo, aka Kim.
And since I'm officially in The Job Market, I wonder what it would be like to...
Starting over is never easy...
Links to my Linked In and Beyond profiles can be found here. I'm just sayin'...
Long-time readers of this blog are familiar with the appellation with which I have saddled my dad...FlatulenceKing. It is a well-deserved title and one that he felt no shame in wearing.
The use of the past tense in that last sentence is no mistake, by the way. He Who Must Not Be Smelled has indeed passed from this life to the next...and the use of the word "passed" in that last sentence WAS a mistake, though a punny one.
Dad's LazyBoy is being donated to the research and development department of the local pesticide factory.
I owe a debt to my dad for his sense of humor and orneriness that lives on in me. Much of the twisted logic and politically incorrect so-what-osity that I inflict on you in this blog is his fault.
[Sure, Dewey...blame somebody who isn't around to defend themselves...]
I got to share a great story about FK at the memorial service. It came from one of his eleven grandchildren - my nephew, Todd - and is a tribute that fits well in a humor blog:
Grandpa meant a lot more to me than the too few visits and short talks over recent years would suggest. I was proud of him and his life, the way he was. I remember a story my dad told me from back when he and my mom were a young family. Grandpa was helping them move and they had packed up all their things; loaded the truck. Old place was empty and it was time to start the truck and go. Grandpa said, "Wait, one thing." Goes back inside and unscrews all the light bulbs, takes them, "now we're ready." That's thorough.
(For a more-reverent thought on my dad's death, go to my other blog, "Truth Is...", by clicking here.)
Gas Odor Caused School Evacuation
In a related story, school district nutritionist, Betty Fraapp, is planning some significant changes to the lunch menu.
Christie Aide Denies Knowledge of Plot
Republican Gov. Chris Christie's long-time press secretary told state lawmakers he had no idea where the governor planned to be buried.
Attorney of 12-Year-Old Stabbing Suspect Says She's Mentally Ill
She believes, however, that her disorder will not impair her ability to defend the suspect, as it apparently didn't get in the way of her passing the bar exam.
And a big thank you to Readers' Digest for the following actual factual headlines:
When tightrope walkers in Seoul traversed the river Han, the Washington Post wrote: "Skywalkers in Korea Cross Han Solo"
When British politician Michael Foot was put in charge of a nuclear-disarmament committee, the Times wrote: "Foot Heads Arms Body"
Many thanks to Engrish.com for documenting these sometimes politically incorrect, but always funny and Actual Factual translating-from-Japanese-to-English oddities.
- The following people must be accompanied when taking the elevator: a) Children under seven years old. b) Sufferers of heart disease and hypertension. c) The blind, the pregnant, the moron and the psychopath.
- AIM OF OUR SERVICE: If you take Jiaozuo as a hotel, we will be the attendants of the hotel and you can enjoy the courteous reception of being God.
- The advertisement burns the child chicken.
- Do not enter the dangerous!
- A better future without blue sky and clear rivers is in our hands.
- This freezer is out of control.
- ATTENTION OUTBOUND PASSENGERS: The date stamped on the visa which you received from the embassy indicates the validity of the visa that you must use the visa within that period of time within which you must use the visa. It is not amount of time that you allowed to stay in the count. The length of stay is indicated on the immigration stamp upon your arrived.
The World Wide Wackfest is famous for having a love affair with bacon. It has its own memes and websites and over six-and-a-half million FaceBook followers. There's even a fairly famous actor who is named after this processed-pork producer of palate pleasure.
This post, however, is not about bacon. It's about doing what has often been done with the word "bacon"...namely, replacing words within movie titles with it...with a food substance much nearer and dearer to my heart: CornNuts.
Let us revel, then, in the epic cinematic possibilities of these salty, crunchy bits of carbolisciousness...
- The CornNuts Redemption
- The Good, the Bad, and the CornNuts
- Schindler's CornNuts
- 12 Angry CornNuts
- CornNuts Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
- The Lord of the CornNuts
- The CornNuts Strike Back
- CornNuts of the Jedi
- The Silence of the CornNuts
- Raiders of the Lost CornNuts
- Indiana Jones and the CornNuts of Doom
- Indiana Jones and the Last CornNuts
- CornNuts to the Future
- CornNuts Unchained
- Eternal CornNuts of the Spotless Mind
- Monty Python and the Holy CornNuts
- Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking CornNuts
- Butch Cassidy and the CornNuts Kid
- No CornNuts for Old Men
- The CornNuts of Wrath
- Harry Potter and the Chamber of CornNuts
- CornNuts and the Beast
- Saving Private CornNuts
Methinks the fine folks at Piggly Wiggly were grasping at straws when they came up with this particular way of making their bananas seem like they've got a value-added feature.
Stupid Stories™ are told before every performance that Giant Step Theatre does. We gather the 80-or-so second-through-tenth-graders together...mostly so we can make sure everybody's there and nobody has to cover anybody's lines...and get them all settled down by having them listen to me tell some shaggy-dog story with a groaner of a closing line.
For instance...
Juan was such a nice guy. He never beat his wife, never yelled at his kids, and he had an aardvark in the back yard as a pet.
One day, the leaders of his community asked him to run to be the mayor of the town. Juan was shocked. "Are you kidding? Who would ever vote for me to be the mayor?!?"
"Everyone would vote for you, Juan! Well, why wouldn't they? You're such a nice guy! You never beat your wife, never yell at your kids, and you treat that aardvark in the back yard just like a regular pet...like a dog or cat or mongoose or something."
They talked Juan into putting his name on the ballot and believe it or not, everybody voted for him. Well, why wouldn't they? He's such a nice guy! He never beat his wife, never yelled at his kids, and he treated the aardvark in the back yard better than you treat your own mother...though that might not be saying much. I don't know.
Juan did a good job as mayor. So good, in fact, that the party leaders convince him to run to be the governor of the state.
Election day came, and he won by a landslide. It seemed like everybody voted for him. Well, why wouldn't they? He's such a nice guy! He never beat his wife, never yelled at his kids...gave the aardvark steak for dinner three times a week. (Had to cut it up in teeny tiny pieces...like ant-size...slurp.)
Juan was a great governor and eventually the day came when The Powers That Be talked him into running to be the President of these United States of America, long may they wave. Of course, he won the election hands down. It seemed like everybody voted for him. Well, why wouldn't they? He's such a nice guy! He never beat his wife, never yelled at his kids...gave the aardvark a perm just before the election...looked absolutely stunning.
He served well as President, and when he ran for reelection, it was the greatest landslide victory in the history of victories. More people voted for Juan than for any President of any country at any time. Well, why wouldn't they? He's such a nice guy! He never beat his wife, never yelled at his kids...he had built an air-conditioned bungalow for his pet aardvark in the Rose Garden.
About halfway through his second term as President of these United States of America, long may they wave, something happened with no explanation. Nobody understood why, and there was no apparent reason for it, but Juan just kind of snapped. He walked into the Oval Office, grabbed the First Lady by the hair and threw her through the window. I mean...through...the window. What a pane - er - pain!
He took his kids, nailed them by their thumbs to the rec room wall, and called them every vile, vicious, horrible name you can imagine...but probably shouldn't.
He went out to the Rose Garden, grabbed the aardvark by the tail, pulled him out of the air-conditioned bungalow, shaved him with an old, rusty blade, sprayed him with Bactine, doused him in kerosene, dipped him in gasoline, lit a match and WHOOSH...barbequed aardvark.
This shocked the nation! They couldn't believe it. What happened? He was such a nice guy!
Well, they put him on trial, convicted him, took him out back and shot him with a golf gun.
What's a golf gun, you ask? I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!
* * * * * * *
Now, I told you all that so I could tell you THIS:
I was serving as the dean of a week of church camp, and I was using cookies, milk, and a story from the dean as a reward for whichever cabin was the cleanest that day. One night, I used this particular story about Juan being such a nice guy...went through the whole thing with great animation and a fine eye for detail.
When I let loose with the final sentence ("I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"), the entire population of the cabin said, "I thought his name was Jose?!?"
Yep...I had inadvertently started the whole effort by saying "Jose was such a nice guy..."
The mind is such a terrible thing to waste.
