If Mel Brooks could do a feature-length parody of Star Wars called Spaceballs - and he not only could, but he did - then the Muppets (owned by Disney, which apparently has a relationship with the Indiana Jones franchise, judging by theme park attractions) most certainly could - dare I say "should? - create a film that hilariously lampoons Our Favorite Archeologist. And the good news is, I've already made the major casting decisions for them.
The first three are no-brainers, while the remainder may be open to debate. Here then, are my suggestions:
Indiana Jones = Kermit
Marion Ravenwood = Miss Piggy
Sallah = Fozzie
Dr. Rene' Belloq = Pepe (if only for the interesting accent)
Major Arnold Toht = Gonzo
Dr. Marcus Brody = Dr. Benson Honeydew
Satipo = Rizzo
Monkey Man (with Monkey) = Dr. Teeth (with Animal)
And no, there wasn't much to do at work today...how did you guess?
For the benefit of those with short-term memory loss issues, let me state that last Friday was Valentine's Day. As part of the culturally-mandated celebration of said day, Beloved posted a greeting on my FaceBook timeline.
THAT I don't need help to understand. The message was straightforward, simple, and - one is convinced - heartfelt. But what I DO need help with is the reaction to her post by a few of our FB Friends.
Now here's the thing...my understanding is that to "Like" something on FaceBook is to express agreement with it or appreciation for it...kind of like saying "Amen" in church or "I wish I'd said that" in a discussion. Sometimes, perhaps, it serves as a convenient way to acknowledge that you've read the comment in question but don't really have anything to say in response.
I get all that.
What I DON'T get is how I am to interpret the fact that Eric, Dale, and Stacey "like" this particular greeting. Does it mean they're happy that my wife wished me a happy valentine's day? Were they concerned about the solidity of our relationship? Does it mean they love me, too? Does it mean they're creeping around, spying on everything that transpires in my life and will soon be shoehorning their way into every conversational thread of which I am a part? Does it mean I should cancel my FaceBook account and start a newer, more private one?
Does it mean I should stop being such a worrywart and do something worthwhile with my time instead of sitting here in front of this keyboard?
Go ahead and amuse yourselves while I, like 87% of the male populace of these United States of America, frantically try to think of some kind of gift (beyond a chocolate rose purchased at the local gas station/convenience store) that will keep me from looking like the lame, thoughtless, self-absorbed 87% of the male populace of these United States of America of which I am a sorry, sorry example.
Seriously, has there ever in the history of the planet been devised a totally subjective observance more perfectly capable of sending 50% of the population directly to The Doghouse, do not pass go, do not collect hugs and kisses?
Of course, I'm only saying this because I'm so horrible at it. I once planned a beautiful, candlelit dinner at McDonald's...you know, something totally unexpected and original...somehow, it just wasn't received with any sense of joyful exuberance at all.
Go figger.
I've grown quite accustomed to posting book excerpts at my OTHER blog, Truth is... (http://www.DeweyTruth.blogspot.com), but around here, the corn is mostly home-brewed. Well, today is the exception that proves the rule, because Reader's Digest published an excerpt from Ellen Stimson's book, Mud Season, that had me grinning from here to eternity.
It seems the author had a less-than-flawless transition to rural life in Vermont, having moved there from St. Louis. The focal point of the excerpt was a one-day battle with a skunk who had decided their chicken shed was a take-out restaurant. It had killed two chickens before they were able to chase it off.
It was a rough morning that cost us two hens, but in the end, it could have been much worse. I know this because when the skunk came back that afternoon, it was much worse.
You might be thinking that skunk smell is unpleasant - we've all smelled it on the highway as we passed through an unpleasant spot or two - but I can tell you that a skunk attack, up close, is on a whole different scale. We seemed to be frying rotten eggs on a flaming old tire.
I was slack-jawed and stunned. My eyes watered. John puked.
What to do, we thought, as we stood on the screened porch watching the skunk tucking into the chicken formerly known as Edith.
Well, they got their son to dispatch the varmint with a single shotgun blast, but that didn't end their misery.
Our skunk travails were not over. We had inhaled far too much skunk bomb. You might ask, "How much is too much?" Turns out, you know it's too much when everyone in the house is throwing up. And as soon as we had the human vomiting under control, the dogs decided to join in.
When I was finally able to process the whole situation, I decided to take some table scraps out to the poor chickens. They had lost three of their sisters and deserved a treat. So out I went with potatoes and corn in hand.
A funny thing about chickens: When they are frightened, they will hide in the rafters.
Having diarrhea.
On my head.
I know, I know...this is only funny because it happened to someone else. I'm a baaaaaad boy.
ARGH...
Have you ever wanted to complain and whine and moan about a pet peeve, but you knew that the minute you did you would come across as a smart aleck, wiseacre, hoopty-doofus?
And besides, you've always said you wanted to have your blog be a mostly-positive, keeping-it-light, hey-man-you're-not-the-only-clam-in-the-chowder kind of place.
But sometimes...sometimes you've just got to step outside the subjective virtual walls you've encased yourself in and tell the world there is something Definitely Not Right going on and we must do whatever we can to make it stop.
So okay...here goes...
My friends, you do NOT mean you "could care less." The actual factual fact of the matter is...the idea you are trying to convey...is that you could NOT care less; that you do not care at all; that your level of caring is so low that there is no level of caring lower.
Make the world a better place...stop the insanity.
In the early days of my addiction to Facebook, there was a "thing" that went around where a person would grab the nearest book, turn to page 56, and copy the fifth sentence as his or her status.
It mostly resulted in a lot of random non-sequiturs like "But the owl lay motionless and pathetic as a toy on the floor of her cage" (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows), "His plans are far from ripe, I think, but they are ripening" (The Fellowship of the Ring), and "We ordered this huge pizza and it took like forever to get there and when it got there the guy had this huge zit on his chin!" (Almost the Truth About Youth Ministry: Salesmen, Secretaries, and Smart Alecks).
But every once in a while, you would come upon something truly thought provoking; something that would make you stop in your tracks and reconsider your understanding of the cosmos; something that made you laugh and wonder how anyone could have ever committed such a phrase to paper.
Something like this, from U.S. News & World Report, Vol 145, No 14:
"After taking AMBIEN CR, you may get up out of bed while not being fully
awake and do an activity that you do not know you are doing."
Sign me up for some-o-dat!
Had you been following me on Twitter (@deweyroth), you would have already chuckled at these gems (he said, oh so humbly).
- “UberFacts: Hitler was saved from drowning by a priest when he was 4-years-old.” Great...so now WWII is the Catholic church's fault?
- “Factsionary: Mephobia is the fear of becoming so awesome that the human race won't be able to handle it.” This keeps me from my potential.
- “UberFacts: The average person will spend a year of their life looking for misplaced items.” Mine was 1987.
- “UberFacts: The longest recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.” Who's going around RECORDING such things?
- “Factsionary: Skippin brkfst makes it hardr 2burn calories. a piece of chocolate w/your brkfst makes it easier.” Chocolate donut=perfect!
- “NotCommonFacts: The average person spends 3 years of their lives on the toilet.” I've had days like that.
- “Factsionary: Eating toast 30 minutes before going to bed can help you sleep better.” Unless you eat it IN bed.
- “UberFacts: McDonald's salads are actually more fattening than their burgers.” See? I'm eating healthy!
- “NotCommonFacts: French kissing exchanges more bacteria than licking the inside of a toilet bowl in a public restroom.” THAT'S attractive!
- “UberFacts: The average chocolate bar contains eight insect legs.” Protein! Power!
- “UberFacts:
“Grammar Pedantry Syndrome” is a form of OCD in which sufferers need to
correct every grammatical error.” Ma! I got a Syndrome!
- “UberFacts: J.K. Rowling considered killing Ron Weasley in the middle of the “Harry Potter” series.” Funny...so did I.
- “UberFacts: Marijuana was used to treat absent-mindedness in Ancient China.” It didn't cure it, but at least people weren't bothered by it
- “neverknownfacts: Being able 2 respond with sarcasm within seconds of a stupid question is a sign of a healthy brain.” I am WAY too healthy.
- “NotCommonFacts: People with weird personalities make the best friends.” And there you have it...I'm a great friend!
- “NotCommonFacts: The weirder you can be around someone the closer you are.” or the other way around.
- “Factsionary: Nicolas Cage was originally chosen for the role of Shrek.” Him NOT doing it is proof God exists.
- “UberFacts: The amount of words tweeted on Twitter every day would fill a 10-million-page book.” ...that would drive a proofreader insane.
