Almost the News XII

Tax Breaks Dwarf Deficit

A newly-approved tax has brought an end to the decades-long shortage of little people (no pun intended...kind of).

Masseur Accused of Touching Woman

Ummmmm...isn't that what she was paying him to do?

Medtronic Taps CEO with Global Viewpoint

Depending on how hard they tapped him, that could leave quite a bruise.

After Flat Tire, Woman Hit by Car

...as if being hit by a flat tire wasn't bad enough.

Teen Found After Abduction Report

Apparently, the people searching for the abduction report had better skills than those who were searching for the teen.

Funeral Set After Firefighter's Death

...which makes a whole lot more sense than setting it before the firefighter's death.

Observed Absurdities™ 2 - For Your Throne Room

This was passed along by Queen CanDo, and is so absurd it hardly needs any commentary.

An ad for the REGIO toilet by INAX:

Fit for a king

For those who insist on the highest level of comfort and style, the REGIO toilet by INAX is so much more than just a toilet. REGIO's comfort technologies transform the bathroom into a personal spalike escape. Soft LED lights set the mood, relaxing music melts away stress, an automatic lid uncovers a heated seat, and there's even a dual-nozzle bidet. The Zenlike minimal design is available in brilliant white ($5,900) and black ($7, 350). inax-usa.com

I can't help but be curious...

1) What the sam hill is a comfort technology?

2) Just what kind of mood am I supposed to be in, and how is soft lighting supposed to help me get there?

3) Is anyone besides me just a teensy bit nervous about a possible malfunction of the seat heater?

4) Why would anyone within spitting distance of a right mind spend almost six thousand dollars for a toilet with a mechanical lid and an iPod?

5) And why, oh why, does a black one cost $1,450 more than a white one? Is there that much of a difference in supply and demand for the black ones?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

This is just my personal opinion...and I reserve the right to be wrong...but I'm pretty sure that anyone who would lay out this kind of dough-re-mi for a toilet should be shaken out of his or her Zenlike trance, taken behind the servants' quarters and horse-whipped...with a real horse.

Observed Absurdities™ 1 - An Ounce of Prevention Pounded by the Cure

Every once in a while, a good-hearted reader of Almost the Truth will bring to my attention something that he or she deems worthy of my brand of skewering. Every once in a greater while than that, I agree with him or her.


Behold...


ActorBoy brought the wonders of Uloric® to the table. To quote its ad: "Gout's root cause is high uric acid. If you have gout, high uric acid can lead to more attacks. To help reduce attacks, lower your uric acid."


So far so good. The logic is irrefutable: Gout=high uric acid. Lower uric acid=no gout.

To continue with the ad: "ULORIC can help. ULORIC is clinically proven to help lower uric acid to a healthy level."


Yippee-skippy! All is right with the world! However...let's take a look at the ever-popular list of possible side-effects, and I quote: "The most common side effects of ULORIC are liver problems, nausea, gout flares, joint pain, and rash."


Please notice that one of the side effects of the medicine designed to relieve gout is flare ups of gout.


How successful do you think Bayer® would have ever been if they had said, "Got a headache? Take Bayer Aspirin. But, hey, yeah...in the interest of full disclosure, we feel we should warn you that taking aspirin might make your head hurt."

Turtle-Man!

From the Way-More-Explanation-Than-It-Deserves Department:

Every Friday at my current place of employment, we are required to electronically sign our time cards by a particular time. In order to encourage/force us to comply with said requirement, our manager has initiated a "Turtle Race" in which the last person to sign their time card is declared the "winner" in an email featuring a goofy picture of a turtle.

One particular co-worker (Gigantor the Drummer) has a high percentage of wins, in response to which, another particular coworker (Queen CanDo) created a picture of a turtle with Gigantor's face: "No one can defeat me! I AM TURTLE MAN!!!!"

...which of course led me to compose the following...

(To the tune of the Spider-Man cartoon theme)

Turtle-Man, Turtle-Man
Does whatever a turtle can
Never rushes; never runs
Shell protects him from big guns
Look out! Here comes the Turtle-Man

Is he strong? Listen, man
He could crush you like a can
He’s got power in his shell
He sends villains straight to hell
Hey there! There goes the Turtle-Man.

In the swamp at night
At the scene of a crime
He can snap; he can bite
But he takes his sweet time

Turtle-Man, Turtle-Man
Friendly neighborhood Turtle-Man
Hasn’t got a single lack
Has his home on his back
To him, life never makes him hurry
He hasn’t got a worry
We love the Turtle-Man!!!!!

There is nothin' like an earworm...

...nothin' in the world. Nothin' else can make you squirm like a never ending earworm!

FEBRUARY
2 – American Pie (Don McLean)
10 – Maybe Tomorrow (Jackson 5)
15 – Entries have been a little sparse, because I’ve been doing battle with songs from the most recent Giant Step Theatre production, rather than with anything anyone else would recognize. Imagine waking up to “He did it ‘cause he’s a one-eyed jack. He’s a kleptomaniac” or “When you find yourself in the middle of a pickle, it don’t pay to lose yer head” running laps in your brain.
18 – The Things We Do for Love (10cc)
19 – Good News (2nd Chapter of Acts) My earworms haven’t included any early Jesus Music for a while…and welcome back. (The bad news is, I can’t find a clip of “Good News” on YouTube to show you.)
24 – The theme song from I Dream of Jeannie (of COURSE I had no problem finding THAT: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XELze7CXKjk&feature=related)
27 – Old Days (Chicago)
28 – Michelle (Beatles)

MARCH
2 – Closer to Me (Seals & Crofts)
4 – Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem DRY Bones…
5 – Take the Long Way Home (Supertramp)
6 – Take the Long Way Home (Supertramp) That’s right…two days in a row. And today, it stayed with me all day long; not just in the morning. Grrrrrrrr.
8 – Whenever I Call You Friend (Kenny Loggins & Stevie Nicks) Even though I lack an ounce of affinity for Stevie Nicks, either as a solo act or with Fleetwood Mac, I admit that this is one of the most-infectious duets devised by mankind.
10 – Reign in Us (Starfield)
15 – I Will Follow You/Sounds of Silence (Chris Tomlin/Simon & Garfunkel) Interesting juxtaposition.
18 – C’mon Get Happy (Partridge Family)
23 – Let Me Love You Tonight (Pure Prairie League)
29 – Bring the Rain (Mercy Me)
31 – Someone Saved My Life Tonight (Elton John)

APRIL
1 – Psalm of Hope (Debbie Roth hasn’t even recorded the vocals for this yet, but the tune, written by our very own KayJay, got stuck in my head last night and lasted through this morning.)
5 – Midnight Blue (Melissa Manchester)
11 – Kiss on My List (Daryl Hall and John Oates) Trivia: they were never officially billed as “Hall & Oats.” They maintained their individuality, even as they became a highly-successful duo. Another note…when this particular song gets in your head…GOOD LUCK!
13 – Room Noise (2nd Chapter of Acts) If anyone reading these words knows this song, I will personally and unashamedly wet my pants.
18 – That’s Entertainment (from The Band Wagon)
21 – We Are the Champions (Queen)

Come and Listen to a Story...

Here's the set-up: A person ventures out on the World Wide Wackfest (www) and finds babelfish. Said person then types an English phrase, translates it to a foreign language, copies that translation, and translates it back to English. The results can be, in varying degrees, humorous, confusing, unexplainable, thought-provoking, and/or meaningless.

In this case, we got a little bit of it all.

The original phrase was: Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed: a poor mountaineer; barely kept his family fed.

The results are printed here for your amusement, bemusement, ceemusement, etc.

Spanish: It comes and it listens to a history on a appointed man Jed: a poor mountain dweller; he hardly maintained his fed family. 

Korean: Jed distinction becomes and about the man talk comes and listens closely: The alpinist who is poor; Defended his family fed. barely. 

Dutch: Bowl and lustre to a tale concerning people Jed called: a bad mountaineer; hardly its family kept fed. 

French: Come and listen to a history about d' a man called Jed: a poor mountaineer; hardly its family EDF kept. 

German: And hear to a history over a man, who comes Jed is called: a poor mountain climber; its family Fed hardly held. 

Greek: Come and you hear a history for a individual that is named Jed: one poor mountain as soon as it kept his family feeding. 

Italian: It comes and it listens to a history approximately a called man Jed: a poor mountain climber; to mala pain he has maintained its family fed. 

Japanese: Jed name can be listed, the story concerning the person it comes, hears: Poor mountain climber; That family fed. was maintained at last. 

Russian: It comes and listens to the story about the named person Of jed: poor mountain climber; barely held in control its FED. family. 

Chinese: Comes and listens about a person's story to name Jed: A pitiful mountaineer; Had not retained his family fed nearly. 

Portuguese: It comes and listening a history on a nominated man Jed: a poor alpinista; it badly kept its fed family. 

Awww...poor alpinista...(any relation to Al Pacino?)

When a Facebook Status Goes Rogue

I really don’t know what causes these things, but let me assure you that I am not making up or almosting the truth about anything that follows. (None of the names have been changed because nobody’s innocent.)

All I did was change my FaceBook status to: They laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike That’s all it took to inspire the following flurry of comments.

Stephanie Caro They're cousins! Identical cousins, and you'll find ... 

Tom Cash ‎"One pair of matching bookends, different as night and day." Man, the Patti Duke Show theme music had to be dug up from the moldy-oldie file. I can't believe I remembered it. We are old. 

Leslie J. Sam Helgerson Cookie Monster and Grover? 

Dewey Roth SamWise: Close. It's actually Yoda and Grover. "The Other" Tom Cash wins an "I Knew the Show Title and Still Managed to Include Dewey in a Sweeping Statement of Truth" award.

Tom Cash ‎"The Other" Tom Cash? I thought I was one of a kind! 

Dewey Roth Well, you're not the Tom Cash that sang "Take This Job and Shove It." 

Tom Cash That was Johnny Paycheck! 

Dewey Roth All these years, I've been so very wrong. But there IS a country singer who stole your name, right? 

Theresa Burdette Hagaman You know it still plays on satellite TV - good as ever

Tom Cash Tommy Cash is Johnny Cash's youngest brother. He recorded some singles and albums, but never made it big. His best-known song is "Six White Horses" (released in 1969), a tribute to John Kennedy, Martin Luther King, & Bob Kennedy. My personal favorite: "I Didn't Walk the Line" (1965)! 

Dewey Roth T-Girl...Beloved and I borrowed the DVDs from the library. It's surprising how FEW plotlines had anything to do with their physical similarities.

Leslie J. Sam Helgerson Tom — When you wrote "...a tribute to JFK, MLK and Bob Kennedy," I thought "Bob Kennedy? How did the game-show host from "Split Second" get into that group?" Man, things are sure entertaining in my head! 

Tom Cash Clarification: John F. Kennedy; Martin Luther King, Jr.; and Robert F. Kennedy! 

Dewey Roth SamWise...you're thinking of Tom Kennedy, who also hosted "You Don't Say!" 

Dewey Roth ‎...which I loved 

Tom Cash You don't say! 

Leslie J. Sam Helgerson Dewey — Yes. I know. That's why it struck me so funny. Like that old song "Abraham, Martin, and Wink." 

Susan Woodcox Kasdorf But they’re cousins.....identical cousins 

Dewey Roth ‎...in every way 

Barry Gordon PARENT TRAP meets PATTY DUKE... Margaret Hamilton as Maid / Mrs. Williams...2 episodes 

Apryl Dunshee Haden I have no idea what all you old people are talking about...

Leslie J. Sam Helgerson I like the part where Ben-Hur puts the girls in the back seat of his talking car and drives the girls across the parted Red Sea to visit Mr. T, with Bill Bixby riding shotgun. Or something like that. 

Tom Cash That only happened after My Favorite Martian employed Mr. Ed, the talking horse, to take Wally and the Beaver to Mork from Ork, who proceeded to get the entire bunch Lost in Space. When Edith Bunker heard about it, she told Archie, who immediately blamed Meathead. Or something like that. 

Dewey Roth Jane! Help! Stop this crazy thing! Help! Jane! 

Leslie J. Sam Helgerson It's Alive! 

Kevin Williams ‎...as different as night and day

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

All of which culminated with Leslie J. Sam Helgerson posting on his own wall:

Headline: Facebook status takes on life of its own

Philosophers, Mathematicians perplexed by non-sequitur responses

Congress to investigate, cites possible copyright infringement

With friends like this, who needs television?