A Bank, a Pad, and the End of Logic

 

I am concerned about the future of humanity.

Well, to be truthful, I am concerned about the present of humanity and whether there will BE any future.

Let me explain...

I had to go to a local bank and renew my signatory status on a particular account.

I was ushered into a bank associate's office where I sat down, and a small, dark pad with some unknown significance was pushed to my side of the desk. It seems I would be using the attached, inkless pen to sign my name on the pad and my signature would be electromagically placed in a computer document.

The bank associate informed me that "this first signature is to give us permission to use your electronic signature instead of actually signing a piece of paper."

I immediately burst out laughing.

I thought it was hilarious that I was electronically signing something to authorize the electronic signing of things. How could that electronic signature be seen as authoritative without me having already signed such a document?

The bank associate smiled and said, "You're the only person who has ever seen how silly this is."

My concern for humanity's future isn't the irony of electric signatures to authorize electric signatures. My concern for humanity's future is that, out of the hundreds of people this bank associate has walked through the process, I am the only one to notice the irony.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus  -  and bring a pen.

Ticket to Ride in a Squad Car: The 384th Greatest Song

 

Taken at face value, "Ticket to Ride," by The Beatles, is a song about a girl leaving a guy by way of train.

Taken at dictionary value, it's a confusing mess.

For instance...

I think I'm gonna be sad. I think it's today, yeah
The girl that's driving me mad is going away

Question: If the girl's driving you crazy, why would her departure make you sad?

She's got a ticket to ride
But she don't care

She doesn't care that she has a train ticket? So is she going away or isn't she?

She said that living with me is bringing her down, yeah
For she would never be free when I was around

So ... in terms of being driven crazy, who is driving and who is riding?

Before she gets to saying goodbye
She ought to think twice
She ought to do right by me

Sounds a little threatening, like "If I can't have you, NObody can!"

Makes me think of a different Beatles lyric: "You better run for your life if you can, little girl!"

#AlmostThePrez

 

Beware! The names of the presidents of the United States of America have been almostified!

George "SheWoreA" Washington

John Adams Lager

Thomas Jeffersonny Bono

James "SnackCakes" Madison

James Monroeroe Yurboat

John Quincy Addams Family

Andrew Jackson (owes me twenty dollars)

Martin Van Halen

William Henry Ford Harrison Ford

John Tyler and Aerosmith

James K. Yolk, Chicken Farmer

Zachary "Braff" Taylor

Millard "DoubleStuph Oreo" Fillmore

Franklin Earpierce

James Bucchanal

Abraham Isaac N. Jaylincoln

Andrew "Magic" Johnson

Loulysses S. Grant

Rutherford B. Haze

James "LasagnaButt" Garfield

Chester A. Cheetah

BlueAndFurry Grover Cleveland

Benjammin' Harrison

William McKinsey Report

AlvinSimon Theodore Roosevelt

William Howard "BigAsA" Raft

Woody Wilson

Warren Peace Harding

Calvin Pooledge

Herbert Dyson

Franklin D. Rosebud

Harry S. Trudini

Dwight D. Lederhosen

John F. Ken Needy

Lyndon B. Johnson & Johnson

Richard Nikon

Gerald Ford Fairlane

Jimminy Cricket Carter

Ronald Raygun

George Havva W. Busch

Bill Clinique

George W. Bushwack

Barack O'Alabama

Donald Trunk

Joe BidenHisTime

Beloved's Birthday Poem

 

How charming and delightful
Adorable and cute, with your
Practically
Perfect smile and
Your eyes that stun to boot

But beauty by
Itself could not convince this
Rogue to stay
The thrill of the
Hunt would surely
Drag this
Awful man
Yonder and away

Belief and
Empathy are your
Lovely qualities that
Often seem so rare
Very seldom practiced by
Everyone "out there"
Debbie, I just plain love you and there's no rhyme or reason to it!

Ohio Eats: The 385th Greatest Song

 

There's an unsubstantiated rumor going around ... started when Rolling Stone printed it as if it were true ... that on May 4th, 1970, the National Guard killed four protesters at Kent State University in Ohio.  Well, that part is definitely a substantiated historical fact, but what I'm pretty sure the magazine made up is that Young wrote a fiery indictment of the shootings, and Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young went right into the studio and rush-released it, knocking its own "Teach Your Children" off the charts.

I'm pretty sure Young had written the song before the tragedy, but rewrote the lyric to make it about the Kent State shootings.

I'm pretty sure these are the original words:

LaRosa's and Graeter's ice cream

UDF if you're on the go

Fresh pasta with chili and cheese

To die for in Ohio

Gotta get down to Cincy

Or up to Clevelandtown

Where the Polish Boys are rad

But if you're wise, boy

You'll be Barberton-bound

For the best chicken you've ever had

LaRosa's and Graeter's ice cream

UDF if you're on the go

Fresh pasta with chili and cheese

To die for in Ohio

https://youtu.be/5pV-Yug-UXI?si=Zp3-FsJRCnWsbVZm

Place Title Here

 

There are times, when I haven't been reminded of some humorous incident from my childhood or when it's not a particular holiday or it's not time to write about the next song in Rolling Stone's list of "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time," when I just sit down at the keyboard and start typing...and hope that something worthwhile spills out through my fingertips.

Any post under the tag "improvisation" is created that way.

Often, I end up writing a poem. Even if it's not funny, the fact that it rhymes will impress enough people to get a few clicks. At least that's the idea.

But now, here I am, four paragraphs deep into a piece of prose with no prior planning or an inkling of an idea of what to say...and my hope that something worthwhile spills out through my fingertips seems to be absolutely groundless.

Like a bottomless pit.

Like a bag of roasted coffee beans.

Like the accusation that I'm independently wealthy and more handsome than Brad Pitt.

That's right, I'm a funny guy...

...but looks aren't everything.

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. VII

 

The orange powder left on your hands after eating Cheetos is called "cheetle".

The two main male characters of The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon and Leonard, were named in honor of the actor who played Nick the Bartender in It's a Wonderful Life.

According to a producer I know, Miley Cyrus can't carry a tune...at all.

The stories that say Karen Carpenter was on a popcorn-only diet are unsubstantiated rumors.

James Taylor's first single, "Carolina in My Mind," was released on The Beatles' Apple Records.

♫♪ Dewey Dewey Bo-Bewey, Banana Fanna Fo-Fooey, Fee Fi Mo-Mooey...Dewey! ♪♫

Before he was Gilligan, Bob Denver co-starred as a beatnik on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.

On Sesame Street, Caroll Spinney was both Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch.

When extended, a frog's tongue is about a third as long as the frog  -  as if our own tongues reached our belly buttons!

Chihuahua's are the world's smallest breed of dog...even though they look like rats.