Hoping to See These Headlines in 2021

 

With 2020 finally behind us, perhaps there's an inkling of a minute chance of possibly seeing one or two of these imagined headlines in print...

God Announces a Do-Over of the Past 12 Months (Notice...this does NOT mean a REPEAT of the past year!)

Yeah...that's it. Who could ask for anything more?

Almost the Nativity

 (For those who arrived late, this is a reprint from 2009...and 2011.)

I view the Bible as being 100% truthful and reliable...however...it doesn't always report 100% of what actually happened. At times, it uses figures of speech and poetic language and just plain leaves some things out. For example, what really happened between Luke 1:26-56 and Matthew 1:18?

Following the angel Gabriel's announcement to Mary that she would give birth to the Messiah, and Mary's hasty, three-month visit with her kinswoman, Elizabeth, she returned to Nazareth and her betrothed, Joseph.

"Joseph?" Mary inquired, as she entered the carpenter's shop.

"Is that the voice of my turtle dove?" laughed Joseph as he picked Mary up and swung her around in joy.

"Careful, you glorified lumberjack." Joseph was a little confused about needing to be careful, so Mary continued: "I've got some wonderful news, oh hubby-to-be! I am expecting a child."

"That's a wonderful, positive attitude, my basket of flower petals. I, too, expect that our God will be gracious and grant to us the blessing of being parents." (Joseph was not the sharpest chisel in the toolbox.)

"You don't understand, my muscular ox. I am, even now, at this very minute, expecting a child."

Joseph tilted his head to one side, squinted, and slowly said, "Yea, verily...me, too."

Mary slipped her hands up Joseph's arms and cupped his face. "Let me speak plainly, oh He Who Is Strong of Arm and Thick of Skull. I'm preggers."

The light dawned excruciatingly slowly in the carpenter's mind: "Heyyyyy...what were you doing for the last three months, anyway? I thought you were visiting your cousin Elizabeth. Is there something in the water up there?"

"Joseph," Mary calmly interjected, "I am not pregnant by the effort of any man. God has placed this child within me."

"Riiiiiiiight."

Christmas Threats

It's funny what a simple typo can lead to.

When I saw this sign...

...who would have guessed it would have resulted in these thoughts?

• You don't EVEN want to know what this candy cane is capable of.
• ♪♫ Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Wrapped around your throat!
• If I don't get some quiet around here, there's going to be more than CHESTNUTS roasting on an open fire!
• I'm going to put you away in a manger.
• Rudolph, if you don't get your nose outta my business, I'm gonna delight you.

If the Eagles Ever Made a Christmas Record...

 

...it would probably include songs like this:

BAKE IT CHEESY

Well I'm a-runnin' down the road, got a party to go to

Seven cheesecakes in my car

ITCHY WOMAN

Ooh, itchy woman, she's so scratchy everywhere

Ooh, itchy woman, she's got the woolen underwear

LYIN' DOWN

We can't help but be lyin' down

The meal's so big when you come around

PEACEFUL, EASY EGG NOG

And I got some peaceful, easy egg nog

And it feels so good goin' down

HOTEL AT THE NORTH POLE

Welcome to the hotel at the North Pole

Such a snowy place

With a tiny race

Yeah, there's plenty of elves at the hotel at the North Pole

At this time of year

You'll see Santa here

TAKE IT TO THE FAT MAN

You know I've always been a dreamer

(Hopin' for things to own)

And it's so hard to wait

(Can't seem to get a loan)

But the dreams I've seen lately

Need to be mapped out 'cause I'm so tapped out

I guess wishing is my fate

So drive me to the mall now

And put me in line

I'm gonna take it to the fat man one more time

Apparently, the Worst of the Best of the Beatles Catalog

"Rain" is the lowest-ranking Beatles song on the "500 Greatest Songs of All Time" list published by Rolling Stone.

It also happens to be Ringo's favorite Beatles song. Go figure.

It includes one of the earliest uses of backward tape. Beatlephiles would want us to believe this was a creative epiphany that erupted from the musically-genius John Lennon or maybe George Martin. The #TrueTruth of the matter is that Lennon was stoned and accidentally put the tape on the machine wrong.

I'm not joking!

I'm also completely serious when I inform you that the MetroLyrics website must have thought they were being clever when they listed the lyrics of the backward section as:

Sdeah reiht edih dna nur yeht

Semoc niar eht fi

(Rain)

Niar

(Rain)

Senihs nus

I'm not joking!

It all kind of makes me want to tie a rope around a chicken before it can cross the road.

I'm joke knotting!

Phony P Words

Just a piddly pinch of Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Pace (n)  -  Someone really, really good at urinating

Pachouli (interjection)  -  The sound a hippie makes when sneezing

Pachyderm (v)  -  Preparing for a trip by putting extra skin in a suitcase

Palaces (pl n)  -  What a father ties his shoes on with

Panache (n)  -  Abdominal pain as a result of eating a large number of pancakes

PHD (acronym)  -  Pretty Hard to Decipher; doctoral degree related to handwriting

Procrastination (adj)  -  Being in favor of having one's country include Crast

Promulgate (n)  -  Scandal resulting from the illegal trafficking of mules-for-hire 

Propitious (n)  -  One who earns a living by being pitious

Pun (n)  -  In American football, a downfield kick that does not use a tee

Putting the EmPHAsis on the Right SylLAble

I realized something today that I never realized before.

Really.

The word "routine" is pronounced differently when it's used as an adjective than when it's used as a noun.

Behold...

"It's just a ROUtine investigation, ma'am."

"This job is so boring. It's the same rouTINE every day."

"Her figure skating career will never take off. She has such a ROUtine rouTINE."

And so, I began to wonder whether there were any other words like that.

Behold...

"There are a lot of interconnected parts in this group of buildings. It's a comPLEX COMplex."

"I'm satisfied with what's in this book. I'm conTENT with the CONtent."

"What a snob! There was no real emotion in that greeting at all. It was a HOLlow holLOW."

https://youtu.be/mvYY1zrC3BA