How to Tell Someone's Not Minnesotan

All this week, and continuing through Sunday afternoon, Beloved and I have been/are performing in the 20th Anniversary production of the Dakota Chautauqua.

It started as a commemoration of Dakota County's 150th birthday, during the Dakota County Fair of 1999, and has featured original songs and mostly-humorous scenes based on Minnesota history.

In recent years, it expanded to celebrate Minnesota's quirks and contributions to culture...

...which is what led me to write the song, "You're Not From Around Here."

I'm thinkin' that you're not from around here

I can tell by the funny way you talk

Your kids play Duck, Duck Goose instead of Grey Duck

You don't say "wanna come with" when you go for a walk

Your opinions are stated bold and clearly

You never say "what a fella might want to do"

Your compliments are not one bit back handed

Your aggression's never passive, that's the truth

You say what you mean and mean what you say

I could go on like this all day

I'm sorry, this might sound harsh, I fear

I'm not one for playing dumb

But you stick out like a sore thumb

I'm pretty sure you didn't grow up here

I'm thinkin' that you're not from around here.

I can tell by the way you flaunt your style

That parka that you wear in mid-October

Makes all the Scandehoovians point and smile

And when in the mail an ad comes from Cabela's

You rush to put that thing right in the trash

You must be allergic to all things flannel

If not, then please explain that nasty rash

In January, you stay inside

You're scared that you might freeze your hide

And May's your favorite season of the year

First you're cold and then you're hot

Gee, you sure complain a lot

I'm pretty sure you didn't grow up here.

Yeah, and if I'm not mistaken

With all your belly-achin'

I'm sure as shootin' you're not from 'round here

©2017 Music GGGGus

62 and Counting

It's not every day you turn 62. In fact, there's only one day in a person's life when it happens.

Today is that day for me.

It's a strange age to become. It's too young to retire. (Especially for me...I won't be able to afford to retire until the day before I die. Kinda hard to schedule that in advance. I'm thinkin' my final words will be "Oh farnsworth. I could have retired yesterday.")

It's too old to get hired anywhere. I've either got too much life experience or not enough life expectancy.

I've got not enough hair on my head and too much in my ears.

The most exercise I get is walking to the bathroom a few times a night.

One fun fact is that I'm the same age as the Frisbee^® flying disc. Disc inventor, Walter Frederick Morrison, named it the Pluto Platter, but I'm pretty sure Wham-O changed it to Frisbee^® so it wouldn't sound like people were flinging canine poo-patties.

August 1957 also saw the first national broadcast of American Bandstand. That's not such a bad thing to share a birth month with. It lasted 32 years. I'm glad to have beaten it by three decades, and I say my run so far could be rated a 93...I've got a good beat and I'm easy to dance to.

We're Bouncing to Graceland

I have learned SO MUCH by studying the lyrics of the 485th greatest song of all time, "Graceland", by Paul Simon.

The Mississippi Delta was shining

Like a National guitar

I originally thought we were talking about the southern end of the mighty Mississippi, way down yonder in New Orleans, but the World Wide Wackfest informs me the Mississippi Delta is the northwest section of the state of Mississippi, between the rivers Mississippi and Yazoo, just south of Memphis on US 61.

I am following the river down the highway

Through the cradle of the civil war

I originally thought we were talking about Charleston, South Carolina, where Fort Sumter was fired upon and the Civil War began. I even have corroboration from the BBC that Charleston is the "cradle of the Civil War." But now? Well, now I still think that, which makes it seem Mr. Simon is playing fast and loose with geography.

My traveling companion is nine years old

He is the child of my first marriage

Harper Simon was born September 7, 1972, so the timing of the roadtrip being referenced would be late 1981 or the first half of 1982...six years after Paul's divorce from Harper's mother, a year or so before his marriage to Carrie Fisher, and five years before the song was recorded.

But I've reason to believe

We both will be received

In Graceland

Pretty sure there's no minimum age requirement to visit Elvis' home.

There is a girl in New York City

Who calls herself the human trampoline

I originally thought we were talking about something akin to the lines in Simon's earlier song, "The Boxer," about finding some comfort with some particular females on 7th Avenue, New York City.

And sometimes when I'm falling, flying

Or tumbling in turmoil I say

Woah, so this is what she means

Nope...I'm pretty sure that's not what she means.

She means we're bouncing into Graceland

REALLY sure that's not what she means.

And I see losing love

Is like a window in your heart

Everybody sees you're blown apart

Everybody feels the wind blow

I originally thought this song was about a field trip to Elvis' home, but now I see it's about the breakup of Simon's first marriage and how he knows it's affecting his current relationships.

In Graceland, Graceland

I'm going to Graceland

For reasons I cannot explain

There's some part of me wants to see

Graceland

And I may be obliged to defend

Every love, every ending

Or maybe there's no obligations now

Maybe I've a reason to believe

We all will be received

In Graceland

I originally thought this series of posts about Rolling Stone's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time was going to be nothing but a barrel of laughs, and then Paul Simon comes along and sings of forgiveness and moving on from loss...and I've a reason to believe there may actually be a bit of redeeming social value to what I write after all.

Grossest Films, Part Final

What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the last 25...

Smokey and the Banjo (1977)  -  Burt Reynolds gets Jackie Gleason to squeal like a pig.
Beauty and the Baste (2017)  -  French girl learns to cook. ♪♫ "There goes the butcher with my roast, like always." ♫♪
Binding Dory (2016)  -  "Somebody got to nail dat girl's fins to the floor."
West Wing Story (1961)  -  ♪♫ "When you're the staff's chief, you're the chief all the way. From your first press conference till they haul you away." ♫♪
Close Encounters of the Turd Kind (1977/1980)  -  Alien primates fling feces at Richard Dreyfuss.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone (2001)  -  This, too, shall pass.
Wady and the Twamp (1955)  -  Elmer Fudd catches his wife with a hobo, even though they were being veeewy quiet.
Lawrence of Arabica (1962)  -  An epic tale of Larry the barista.
The Rocky Horror Spitoon Show (1975)  -  Wear your rain ponchos, friends. This could get messy.
Ricky (1976)  -  A Cuban boxer from Philly goes the distance. "Adrian! You got some splaining to do!"
The Best Tears of Our Lives (1946)  -  Three WWII veterans have a really good cry.
The Poseidon Ad Venture (1972)  -  A luxury cruise ship embarks on a daring public relations scheme.
The Lord of the Wings: The Fellowship of the Buffalo Sauce (2001)  -  How B. Dubs got its start.

Twister (1996)  -  Before Battleship, there was this game-based winner.
Men in Back (1997)  -  Pre-Rosa-Parks public transportation.
The Bridge On That River Guy (1957)  -  River Phoenix gets some dental work in a prisoner-of-war camp.
FormerTrans: Revenge of the Fallopian  (2009)  -  Gender fluidity run amok.
It's a Mad, Med, Mid, Mod, Mud World (1963)  -  Fun with vowels.
Sims Family Robinson (1960)  -  A computer-generated family learns to survive in the real world.
One Chew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)  -  A single-mother bird regurgitates the best she can.
M*E*S*H (1970)  -  It's the stockade for Hawkeye and Trapper John when they make the nurses' shower see-through.
Indiana Jones and the Shirley Temple of Doom (1984)  -  Loveable moppet is turned into a zombie.

Avengers: Age of Teflon (2015)  -  Government officials try to prosecute our favorite superheroes, but they can't get the charges to stick.
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Scones (2002)  -  Anakin Skywalker throws hard pastries.
Boy Story 3 (2010)  -  Andy goes to college and lies to his mom about his relationship with the Kenner triplets.

Grossest Films, Part Penultimate

What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the third 25...

Armenian Graffiti (1973)  -  Cruising the streets of Yerevan while listening to "Back in the U.S.S.R."
The Rube (1953)  -  A country bumpkin links a Roman soldier, his Christian love interest, and a Greek slave.
Pilates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Core (2006)  -  It IS possible to exercise yourself to death.
Around the Mall in 80 Days (1956)  -  The merry mix-ups that occur when a busload of Alzheimer patients are accidentally let loose in the world's largest shopping center.
Hambi (1942)  -  Rebooting the Bambi franchise; financed by the American Pork Producers.
Glazing Saddles (1974)  -  Krispy Kreme gets introduced to the Old West.
Catman (1989)  -  Bruce Wayne is terrorized by his aunt's feline obsession and becomes a crime-fighter. "Holy hairballs, Catman!"
The Tells of St. Mary's (1945)  -  St. Mary unsuccessfully competes in a poker tournament.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Bling (2003)  -  All of Aragorn's stolen jewelry is recovered.
Blinding Nemo (2003)  -  A small clownfish stares into a bright light just a little too long.
The Cowering Inferno (1974)  -  The strange tale of a frightened fire.
Brogue One: A Scottish Star Wars Story (2016)  -  "Aye, and I've got a wee bit o' a bad feelin' about this."
Cinderumbrella (1950)  -  A nasty stepmother burns a parasol.
Spider-Hand 2 (2004)  -  A boy gets bit by a radioactive arachnid and grows three extra fingers on each hand.

My Chair Lady (1964)  -  An English professor teaches a cockney merchant how to sit properly.
The Greatest Flow on Earth (1952)  -  A documentary about the Amazon.
National Lampoon's Hannibal House (1978)  -  This frat house is full of misfit cannibals.
The Pass Play of the Christ (2004)  -  A fantasy film that imagines what the NFL would be like if Jesus was a quarterback.
Hemorrhoid Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sit (2005)  -  It's time for the Jedi to stand up for what they believe in.
Bic to the Future (1985)  -  A wacky, old scientist sends a disposable lighter to 1955 and back again.

The Lord of the Bathtub Rings: The Two Showers (2002)  -  Multiple attempts to clean Frodo's hands and fingernails.
The Dark Knight Prizes (2012)  -  Batman hands out awards for excellence in raspy vocalizations.
The Sick Sense (1999)  -  "I see almost-dead people."
Supertan (1978)  -  Sidney Poitier's third outing as Mr. Tibbs. This time, he's faster than a speeding bullet.
Tootsie Roll (1982)  -  Dustin Hoffman returns as the cross-dressing soap star, but he/she has gained a little weight.

Rolling Stone Magazine Has Gone Insane

I have proof that the editors of Rolling Stone have lost their collective grasp on reality.

How do I know this, you ask?

Observe the song they gave the admittedly-dubious honor of being the 486th greatest song of all time: "How Soon is Now?" by The Smiths.

Points against this choice:

1.  I had never even heard of this song before finding it on YouTube for this blog-post.

2.  Once I found it and listened to it, I immediately decided to NOT post a link to it in this blog-post.

3.  I also immediately wanted to pour acid in my ears before even taking the time to write this blog-post.

4.  A group called The Smiths that doesn't consist of family members by that name is signaling to us that they don't really care what you call them and they don't deserve a shout-out in this blog-post.

5.  This sample of the song's lyric:

There's a club, if you'd like to go

You could meet somebody who really loves you

So you go and you stand on your own

And you leave on your own

And you go home and you cry and you want to die

6.  I now have to go wash my hands...just because of typing those words into this blog-post.

7.  I rest my case.

Grossest Films, Part Next-To-First

What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the second 25...

The Godfarter (1972)  -  An origin story on methane emissions.
Forrest Lump (1994)  -  A mentally-challenged man gets breast cancer.
Merry Pop-ins (1964)  -  Four separate storylines about happy, unplanned visits.
Crease (1978)  -  An homage to those carefree days of being a tailor in the 1950s.
Marvel's The Extenders (2012)  -  A group of superheroes finds a way to stretch a single idea into several full-length features.
Black Panter (2018)  -  An homage to those stress-filled days of being an African-American tailor in the 1950s.
Blunderball (1965)  -  A collection of James Bond bloopers: "Shaken, not slurred."
The Dark Night (2008)  -  Ninety minutes of extremely underexposed film.
The Jungle Hook (1967)  -  The highly-anticipated sequel to Peter Pan where Captain Hook and the crew move inland.
Weeping Beauty (1959)  -  Prince Charming is unfaithful to Aurora.
Avengers: Infinity and Beyond War (2018)  -  The crossover blockbuster where Marvel meets Pixar.

Post-rusters (1984)  -  The horror-comedy about former SNL stars trying to keep full-bladdered dogs away from metal posts.
Shuck 2 (2004)  -  The ever-popular green ogre returns; this time, he learns how to prepare ears of corn for boiling.
Butch Cassidy and the Undunce Kid (1969)  -  Professional tutoring in the Old West.
Glove Story (1970)  -  An old-money Harvard man woos and weds a no-money, dying music student who never lets him see her hands.
Spider-Han (2002)  -  Harrison Ford stars as a space cowboy who gets bitten by a radioactive arachnid.
Independence May (1996)  -  How the U.S. might be different if the Declaration of Independence had been signed two months earlier.
Comb Alone (1990)  -  The sad tale of a barber with no customers during the Christmas holiday.
Storm Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Weathercaster (2017)  -  Luke Skywalker predicts his final rain of terror.
P. N. O'cchio (1940)  -  An Irish puppet turns into a real boy.

Flee, oh Padre! (1963)  -  Elizabeth Taylor stars as a beautiful Egyptian priest running from snakes.
Beverly Hills Mop (1984)  -  Eddie Murphy goes from swabbing the floors of Detroit bars to a high-class mansion-cleaning service in California.
Inedibles 2 (2018)  -  The continuing story of superheroes that normal people just can't swallow.
Coldfinger (1964)  -  James Bond battles a villain who kills his victims by freezing.
Hairport (1970)  -  A wacky comedy set in the world's busiest beauty salon.

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