It started out with good intentions, but we all know where that road leads.
A significant portion of the local church I call home became discontent with how the current culture, for all practical purposes, ignores God. They wished God would step up to the plate and overwhelmingly prove His existence and superiority to the self-focused rabble.
"I mean, think about the Israelites in the desert. The surrounding nations KNEW there was something special going on because they could see the cloud during the day and the pillar of fire at night. I wish God would show up like that. I wish the community could SEE how powerful and awesome God is!"
At which point, somebody made the observation that you could pray as often as you wish.
And so, the CDFN (Cloud by Day, Fire by Night) Prayer Vigil was begun. A schedule was worked out so that there was someone praying in the church building three evenings a week while the rest of us waited with hope in our hearts.
It only took seven evenings of prayer before God answered those prayers with a resounding "Yes!"
Grandma Helen (who is nobody's actual grandmother, but who has taught second grade Sunday School since Flan-O-Graph was a cutting edge technology) was taking her shift in the CDFN Prayer Chapel when she noticed a bright orange light through the window. It took her a while to hobble over to the window, and by the time she got there, she could hear the sirens and see the flashing lights of several fire trucks as they raced toward the church building.
It was then that she peeked skyward and saw a large...you guessed it...pillar of fire.
Apparently, some neighbors had seen the flames appear and quickly dialed 911. What they didn't realize was that the flames were not actually coming from the building, but floating several yards above it. This did not, however, escape the notice of the firefighting professionals who were now gathered in the parking lot, gazing with mouths agape.
A few seconds later, the Fire Chief arrived: "What are you doing standing around with your mouths hanging open?!!? Let's go! Get those hoses hooked up!"
That's all it took for the rank and file to snap into muscle memory mode. In less than a minute, they were directing a powerful stream of water toward the base of the fire...which resulted in some over-watering of the community garden plot on the far side of the church building.
They shot water at that holy fire all through the night until, as the sun came over the horizon, the flames were replaced by a low-lying cloud...or, as the firefighting professionals called it, residual smoke and steam. With no damage to the building, they congratulated themselves, rolled up their hoses, and left to go feed their dalmatians.
Of course, the whole scene repeated itself at sundown.
* * * * * * *
It's been 6 months now, and the church staff has been terribly busy, what with all the court cases. We are being sued by our neighbors with solar panels because the daily cloud is rendering said solar panels useless. Other neighbors have filed a class action suit, demanding we pay damages for their lost sleep, extensive air conditioning usage, and lowered property value because of the nightly fire. Even the fire department is getting in on the action. They are insisting we pay their exponentially-increased water bill.
And the moral of the story, boys and girls, is to be careful what you pray for.
These are ALMOST television classics...
- Game of Tomes - An epic tale of deceit, murder, and mayhem, while one family after another fights for the keys to the local library
- Bar Trek - Their mission, to boldly go where no one has been drunk before
- Fiends - A group of people who are really mean to each other drink a lot of coffee
- Steinfelt - A stand-up comedian in New York City chooses the wrong material from which to fashion a mug for his beer
- M*E*S*H - The merry mix-ups that occur in a stockings factory
- The Pig Bang Theory - Supplying weapons to swine is never a good idea
- Steers - There's a ranch a-way out west where everybody knows your name
- Handy Griffith - Southern sheriff gets arrested on molestation charges
- Saturday Afternoon Live - Live feeds from across America of people mowing their lawns, shopping, and taking naps.
- 44 Minutes - All that's left of an hour after the commercials
- dirtysomething - Drama about baby boomers working in a laundry
- Buffy the Spider Slayer - Teen queen exterminator
- Stall in the Family - A rest room attendant wishes his meathead son-in-law would take over the family business
While working on last week's homonym-laden list of New Year's resolutions, I started getting curious about several things:
- Is the son of a tailor called an alter boy?
- If you eat minnows, will you get baited breath?
- When you get evicted from a concert, should you say "I'm with the banned"?
- If you kidnap a girl and her boyfriend, is that called tying things up with a beau?
- How long does a mane need to be in order to make a donkey braid?
- If a baseball batter became a baker, would he make bunt cake?
- In a vegetable rock band, would a beet be the drummer?
- If I needed to sleep on a train, would you be willing to give berth?
- Is a tornado's favorite color blew?
- How many rent-payers standing along the edge of our country would it take to make a boarder border?
- If someone prays to Jesus while trying to get water out of a boat, is that a Christian bail?
This year, I solemnly resolve to:
- Take purposeful steps to lower my wait
- Bless my guitar-playing lumberjack friends with a random ax of kindness
- Cache more cash
- Avoid ail
- Enjoy more fresh heir
- Ade thirsty people
- Joyfully sing allowed
- Be a better bettor
- Increase the size of my salads by a mega-bite
- Be less bored of directors
- Add more items to my collection of pleasing cents
- Take a chance at righting some chants
- Spend more time being awed by things that are odd
Things I would love to read as news items in the coming year.
- Rosemount, Minnesota Has Lowest Snowfall in Recorded History
- Fred Bassett Permanently Cancelled
- Everything Old Is New Again: The Resurgence of Classic Rock
- Washington DC Is Epicenter of Huge Spiritual Revival (and, like, you can tell it's for real because this isn't even an election year)
- Netflix Is Streaming New Episodes of Firefly (but missing Ron Glass)
- Ringo Starr Installed as Britain's New Prime Minister
- Chicago Cubs Win World Series...Again
- Whatever Happened to Miley Cyrus?
- Woodchuck Union Publishes Chucked Wood Totals
- New Weight Tables Released; 20 Over Is the New Perfect
I was shopping for a "white elephant" Christmas gift this week and found an old oil lamp at Goodwill that I deemed worthy.
I took it home, and as I was cleaning it up a little, an honest-to-goodness genie appeared!
"Thank you, master, for freeing me from the lamp," intoned the genie. "It is my duty and pleasure to grant you one wish."
As you can imagine, I was fairly shocked. "One wish?!?? What happened to three wishes? I thought a genie always granted three wishes! You mean to tell me that Disney's Aladdin isn't historically accurate?!?"
The genie shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, the economy's been in the dumper for a while now, you know? The union had to make concessions."
"Wow. Bummer."
"Tell me about it. So...what'll it be? Riches? Fame? A restored hairline?"
Doing my best to ignore that last suggestion, I said, "I know exactly what I want! Ever since Steve McGarrett first told Danno to "Book 'em," I've wanted to visit Hawaii. The problem is, I'm deathly afraid of flying, and just the thought of spending three days in a ship crossing the ocean makes me lose my lunch. But I like to drive, so Genie, I wish for you to build a road from California to Hawaii!"
The genie's eyes grew as big as pineapples, and he said, "Are you insane?!!? Do you realize how much concrete and asphalt that would take? And how many miles deep the pylons would have to go? Not to mention the environmental impact and needing to compensate for ocean currents...no...that's crazy...I just can't do it!"
I have to admit, I was a little disappointed, but I had a backup plan.
"Well, if that's too difficult for you, I've got something else I've always wanted...and I don't think it will take any manual labor on your part at all. You see...I've been married for several years, and I love my wife completely...but...well...I don't really understand her. It's not just her, mind you. All women are confusing to me. So I guess my wish would be to be able to understand women."
The genie got out a piece of paper and a pencil and asked, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge to Hawaii?"
