'Twas the morning of Christmas, and all through the place A smile was plastered on each youngster's face The stockings were filled with lip balm and treats And iTunes would soon be cranking out beats The children were ripping the gift wrap apart Not knowing its price had stopped their dad's heart. With Mom in her flannels and I in my fleece At least we were warm while we longed for some peace 'Cause out by the tree there arose such a clatter I was sure our snow globe was destined to shatter Out to the family room, both of us ran Stepping on Legos, tipping over a fan There, on the back of our newly-bought couch Sat Son Number Two, a loud, thrashing grouch: "I want more chocolate, or something that's sweet! Why'd I get socks too big for my feet?!?" With this one-man riot losing his cool I feared in a moment he might start to drool
More rapid than eagles, his curses they came Bellows and slanders that I dare not name "How come I never get things that I like? Like iPhones, or xBox, or even a bike? To heck with these PJs, who would want these?!? These jeans are ugly, this shirt makes me sneeze!" Like a hole in the bottom will soon drain a sack I let this tsunami just roll off my back And up to the attic I fairly flew Returning with packages: Christmas Part Two And then in a twinkling, I heard from our child A sigh of relief; he stopped being wild As I brought in the presents and was setting them down Off the couch came our Jimmy with one pint-sized bound So he unwrapped his iPad, his face full of glee And thanked us by asking, "You got this for me?" A bundle of games was opened up next (The speed of his fingers, it just left me vexed) His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how deep! And none of his siblings had dared make a peep Their dear little mouths were gaping with awe Hardly believing the next thing they saw: A dump truck with real working engine and brake And the smoke it encircled our heads like a snake And then, a broad smile on his little round face Broke into laughter which filled the whole place This joy was worth the loss of our wealth And hugs were exchanged 'tween my spouse and myself A wink of my eye and a step toward the pine Soon had the others feeling just fine For I spoke not a word, but made sure they knew They each had plenty of great presents, too And laying a kerchief aside Jimmy's nose I wiped away what was left of his woes Then they sprung to their feet, to their mom gave a kiss And away they all flew, overflowing with bliss But I heard Jim exclaim, in almost a shriek "I can hardly wait for my birthday next week!"
And now ladies and gents, without further ado, a recap of stati (isn't that the plural of status?) from the Almost the Truth (TM) Publishing FaceBook page. No need to save your applause until the end.
Her butt is so big, it has its own backmosphere.
Biscuits and gravy are a sure sign that God wants us to be happy…and unable to run away from Him, apparently.
Eat your vegetables. Do unto others before they do unto you, you know?
Blessed are the geeks for they shall save the hard drives of the earth.
I love you forever...I like you for always...I'm a creepy stalker who won't leave you alone.
Shirley Temple and Lucy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the past forever.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you once! #Truth
When the going gets tough, consider adding more fiber to your diet.
When a man’s an empty kettle, Tony Stark must be taking a break from superhero-ing.
Previously on Big Bang Theory, the smartest person in the room pouted like a baby while the beautiful neighbor showed far too much cleavage and wondered why people never looked her in the eyes.
When in doubt, don’t. When in a fight, duck. When in a duck, quack up.
On this day in history…no wait…THIS day HAS no history. Today is today and that’s all today is. THIS day is presentry, not history. Now, if you want to talk about this DATE…well…that’s another thing entirely.
Almost Thanksgiving: We gather together to put on some poundage.
That sound in the distance you hear is the crinkle of my hardening arteries.
I just may have intimated before in this space that, perhaps, I might have slightly mixed feelings about my part-time job at JesusInc. Selling books that claim to be Christian when they're merely benign isn't my idea of "providing spiritual resources to help transform lives." My latest bit-o-wincing came when I saw this display in the Kids' section of our store:
Just to make sure you are correctly interpreting what you are seeing in this picture, let me spell it out for you. That is a four-inch long piece of soft plastic shaped like Larry the Cucumber from VeggieTales in his LarryBoy superhero outfit. It has no other costumes...not even sold separately. It has no moving parts. It makes no noise. It doesn't even squeak when you squeeze it. It's an action figure with no action. And not much of a figure, now that I think about it. Happy Holidaze...
You wouldn't think the simple act of wrapping some indoor Christmas lights around your curtain rod would end up requiring stitches, would you? I know the thought never occurred to me. And as I used a small stepladder to reach the curtain rod, the thought also never occurred to me that our family room has a low ceiling...until it was too late.
That's using your head, Dewey...for something it was not intended for. True Truth: It didn't really require stitches. Thanks for asking.
Angus Beef - Yummmm... Black Friday - Thankful for being able to avoid this silliness (until my evening shift at JesusInc.). CornNuts - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves Don Rickles - Making sarcasm hilarious since 1953 Eagles - I can't tell you why, but when life in the fast lane takes away my peaceful, easy feeling and I need to take it easy...and that can happen on any one of these nights...I just look my witchy woman in her lyin' eyes, pop in an Eagles CD, and I feel like a new kid in town. FredBassetMustDie - So very happy that SOMEbody recognizes that this "comic" strip is way past its expiration date. Just wish the newspaper would, too. Gorillas - They remind me of my dad, FlatulenceKing. Hot Dr Pepper - Thank you, Dick Clark, for turning me on to this soothing elixir of WeDon'tNeedNoCoffee.
Intellectual Conversa-BAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAA! Sorry. I couldn't even type it with a straight face. Jukeboxes - Gotta keep those jukes contained, you know Kansas City - Where everything's up to date. Last Crusade, Indiana Jones and the - One of the five best movies of all time
Marshmallows - Roasting on an open fire; Jack Frost nipping at your nose Noses - Glad our nostrils open earthward instead of skyward...can't imagine walking in the rain or taking a shower otherwise. Orange Juice - Especially when enjoyed with a huge bowl of... Popcorn - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves Queen - The rock group that got me interested in science: "GALILEO! Galileo!" Richard Dawkins - Proof that not all narrow-minded, bombastic jerks are Christians Sex - I've been trying and trying to think of something else I'm thankful for that starts with S, but really...without this, none of us would be here. Triscuits - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves Undulate - The only word that does with Motion what words like splash and click do with Sound Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl...need I say more? Winks - That little sign assuring me the horrible thing you just said to me was just a joke Xylophones - They remind me of lazy Sunday afternoons, making music at a friend's house...wait...that was a marimba...crud. Y - Y knot? Zebras - The best salty-crunchy snack . . .
For the past 76 weeks, the Almost the Truth Publishing FaceBook page (See it HERE!) has been posting movie quotes on Monday mornings as part of #TheMorningGames (Read about it HERE). Well...it's all come to an end. There are no quotable movies left in the world, so Mondays are changing to #MondayMirth, when a short video clip (or some such nonsense meant to make a person grin) will appear at 8:30 AM Central. In saying farewell to #NameThatMovie, I read through the list of 76 quotes. It's kind of a...well...weird experience; a mental montage of some of the most memorable words ever spoken for the benefit of a large group of people gathered in a darkened room.
The normal thing to say here would be "Enjoy!", but I think I'll go with "Experience this!"
A few hours ago, you were giving chai for the phone walahs. And now you're richer than they will ever be. What a player! – Slumdog Millionaire
Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy? – Stand by Me
Alright, Sparky, here's the deal. If you wanna court the little lady ya gotta be a straight-shooter, do ya got it? – Aladdin
And this... well, this is where I live. It's got a disco, it's got a dune buggy, and a whole room just for trying on clothes – Toy Story 3
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? – Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Are you watching closely? – The Prestige
Charging a man with murder in this place was like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500 – Apocalypse Now
Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs... – Die Hard
Cut me, Mick. – Rocky
Do you have the slightest idea what a moral and ethical principle is? Do you? – The Shining
Do...or do not. There is no try. – Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back
Excuse me, stewardess, I speak jive – Airplane
Foreign contaminant! – WALL•E
Get off my plane! – Air Force One
God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm. – Bruce Almighty
Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night! – The Truman Show
He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr, and suits so fine, they made Sinatra look like a hobo. – Anchorman
Here, picture this: A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife massaging my feet – Beauty and the Beast
He's more machine now than man. – Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi
Hey, I know a joke! A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead." Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead. – Up
I can't carry it for you...but I can carry you! – The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
I didn't spend six years on evil medical studies to be called "mister", thank you very much! – Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
I do wish we could chat longer, but... I'm having an old friend for dinner. – The Silence of the Lambs
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. – Monty Python and the Holy Grail
I draw...people smiling, dogs running, rainbows. They don't have meetings about rainbows. – The Sixth Sense
I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. – Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
I love the smell of napalm in the morning – Apocalypse Now
I must be crazy to be in a loony bin like this. – One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
I never wanted any of you to die for me. – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask." – Dumb & Dumber
I work for senor psychopath now – Aladdin
I would have followed you, my brother... my captain... my king. – The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve. – The Dark Knight
If it's truth you're looking for, Dr. Tyree's philosophy class is right down the hall. – Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means "no". – Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
I'm your density. – Back to the Future
In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns. – The Godfather
Is there anyone alive out there? Can anyone hear me? – Titanic
It's only when we wake up that we realize how things are actually strange. – Inception
Kiss me as if it were the last time. – Casablanca
Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. – Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Love is too weak a word for what I feel. I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two Fs. – Annie Hall
"Love the jet.” “Wait’ll you see the car.” – M:I 4 Ghost Protocol
Never again will I allow our political self-interest to deter us from doing what we know to be morally right. Atrocity and terror are not political weapons. And to those who would use them, your day is over. We will never negotiate. We will no longer tolerate and we will no longer be afraid. It's your turn to be afraid. – Air Force One
No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how. – Gone with the Wind
Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you. Ain't I something? – Finding Nemo
Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today. – Groundhog Day
On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of His true miracles, what am I gonna say? That it was my job? My job? – The Green Mile
Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility. – Alien
Plastics – The Graduate
Pop quiz, hot shot. – Speed
Po-tay-toes! Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. – The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Put that thing back where it came from or so help me... – Monsters, Inc.
Say hello to my little friend! – Scarface
So, eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. – Jaws
Stern, if this factory ever produces a shell that can actually be fired, I'll be very unhappy. – Schindler’s List
Stop trying to hit me, and hit me. – The Matrix
Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? – It's a Wonderful Life
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. – The Usual Suspects
The system goes on-line August 4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. – Terminator 2: Judgment Day
These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized. – The Shawshank Redemption
"Thirty years of this, and you get a tidy pension and a cheap gold watch.” “Cool.” – Speed
To begin with, this case should never have come to trial. The state has not produced one iota of medical evidence that the crime Tom Robinson is charged with ever took place. – To Kill a Mockingbird
Tuesday night's plastic corrosion awareness meeting was, I think, a big success. – Toy Story
We all end up dead, it's just a question of how and why. – Braveheart
Well the buzz from the bees is that the leopards are in a bit of a spot. And the baboons are going ape over this. – The Lion King
Well, from my way of thinking, sir, this entire mission is a serious misallocation of valuable military resources. – Saving Private Ryan
What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? – Wizard of Oz
"What’s the matter with you?” “I can’t swim.” “Are you crazy? The fall will probably kill you.” – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go, you know, I went. – Forrest Gump
Whether or not what we experienced was an According-to-Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved. – Pulp Fiction
Why does the floor move? – Raiders of the Lost Ark
With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels. – Fight Club
You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems. – Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope
You know what FINE stands for: Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional – The Italian Job
Your emperor is pleased to give you the barbarian horde! – Gladiator
