You May Not Be Awake Right Now

In the early days of my addiction to Facebook, there was a "thing" that went around where a person would grab the nearest book, turn to page 56, and copy the fifth sentence as his or her status.

It mostly resulted in a lot of random non-sequiturs like "But the owl lay motionless and pathetic as a toy on the floor of her cage" (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows),  "His plans are far from ripe, I think, but they are ripening" (The Fellowship of the Ring), and "We ordered this huge pizza and it took like forever to get there and when it got there the guy had this huge zit on his chin!" (Almost the Truth About Youth Ministry: Salesmen, Secretaries, and Smart Alecks).

But every once in a while, you would come upon something truly thought provoking; something that would make you stop in your tracks and reconsider your understanding of the cosmos; something that made you laugh and wonder how anyone could have ever committed such a phrase to paper.

Something like this, from U.S. News & World Report, Vol 145, No 14:

"After taking AMBIEN CR, you may get up out of bed while not being fully awake and do an activity that you do not know you are doing."

Sign me up for some-o-dat!

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Twitter

Had you been following me on Twitter (@deweyroth), you would have already chuckled at these gems (he said, oh so humbly).

• “UberFacts: Hitler was saved from drowning by a priest when he was 4-years-old.” Great...so now WWII is the Catholic church's fault?
• “Factsionary: Mephobia is the fear of becoming so awesome that the human race won't be able to handle it.” This keeps me from my potential.
• “UberFacts: The average person will spend a year of their life looking for misplaced items.” Mine was 1987.
• “UberFacts: The longest recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.” Who's going around RECORDING such things?
• “Factsionary: Skippin brkfst makes it hardr 2burn calories. a piece of chocolate w/your brkfst makes it easier.” Chocolate donut=perfect!
• “NotCommonFacts: The average person spends 3 years of their lives on the toilet.” I've had days like that.
• “Factsionary: Eating toast 30 minutes before going to bed can help you sleep better.” Unless you eat it IN bed. 
• “UberFacts: McDonald's salads are actually more fattening than their burgers.” See? I'm eating healthy!
• “NotCommonFacts: French kissing exchanges more bacteria than licking the inside of a toilet bowl in a public restroom.” THAT'S attractive!
• “UberFacts: The average chocolate bar contains eight insect legs.” Protein! Power!
• “UberFacts: “Grammar Pedantry Syndrome” is a form of OCD in which sufferers need to correct every grammatical error.” Ma! I got a Syndrome!

• “UberFacts: J.K. Rowling considered killing Ron Weasley in the middle of the “Harry Potter” series.” Funny...so did I.
• “UberFacts: Marijuana was used to treat absent-mindedness in Ancient China.” It didn't cure it, but at least people weren't bothered by it
• “neverknownfacts: Being able 2 respond with sarcasm within seconds of a stupid question is a sign of a healthy brain.” I am WAY too healthy.
• “NotCommonFacts: People with weird personalities make the best friends.” And there you have it...I'm a great friend!
• “NotCommonFacts: The weirder you can be around someone the closer you are.” or the other way around.  
• “Factsionary: Nicolas Cage was originally chosen for the role of Shrek.” Him NOT doing it is proof God exists.
• “UberFacts: The amount of words tweeted on Twitter every day would fill a 10-million-page book.” ...that would drive a proofreader insane.

An Unappetizing Suggestion

In an effort to make my Bitstrip experience more Cutting Edge and Dangerous To The Long-Term Health Of [My] Marriage, I tried to create an avatar for Beloved the other day.

I was taken aback when I reached the following screen:

From the Mouths of Babes

The following is based on a true story.

It was Christmas. Our hearts were light and our bellies were full. We were sitting at the table and SkittleKid (Grandson No. 1) was being prompted to look around the table and recite everyone's names:

"Who is that?"

"ActorBoy."

"That's right, and who is this?"

"TheWind."

"Good! And her?"

"KayJay."

KayJay was in the midst of nursing Granddaughter No. 1, SweetCheeks, and so the next question was, "And who is KayJay holding?"

SkittleKid tilted his head toward the floor and grinned, but remained silent.

"SkittleKid, who is KayJay holding?"

A stifled chuckle.

"What's the baby's name, SkittleKid?"

Lifting his face, and with a big smile, he proclaimed to the gathered masses, "Jesus!"

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

'Twas a merry Christmas, indeed.

Dewey the Stripper

Here we are, on the cusp of a new year, never knowing where we're going ("well it's hard to go wrong" -Rich Mullins, "Higher Education and the Book of Love").

And so, a look back at a FaceBook app that ended up being an early Christmas present for many, a source of embarrassment for a few, and a generator of grins and giggles for most. Thank you, Bitstrips, for making the following possible. And have a happy new year!

Almost the Truthlets, the Fourth

If you haven't been hanging out at Almost the Truth's FaceBook page, first of all, shame on you; second of all, you've been missing The Morning Games, a series of light-hearted trivial pursuits involving movie quotes, song lyrics, sound snippets, and So Much More; and third of all, you've also missed the weekly status updates affectionately called "Almost the Truthlets."

At least there's a cure for the third...behold:

• You don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t spit into the wind. You don’t pull the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger, and you don’t wear athletic shoes with a double-breasted Chinese silk dinner jacket.
• Talking to plants has been proven to make you look like an idiot.
• Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up saying, "How was I wishing on a star during the day...while I was asleep?!?!"
• I've had it up to here with U...and V and W aren't winning any awards in my book either!
• There's a bright golden haze on the meadow...somebody call the fire department!
• Wake up and smell the dried phlegm encrusted on the pillow of your sorry existence.
• Just got accepted into the Sarcastic Men of America Roundtable Taunting Intelligence Effusing Society (SMARTIES)
• #AddaWordRuinaChristianBook   My Utmost for the Highest Bidder
• Ooh, I need your gloves, babe; guess you know it's cold. And if push comes to shove, babe, I'll steal them; I'm that bold.
• McDonald's...I'm shovelin' it
• We were out on a date in my daddy's car. We hadn't pushed it very far. There in the road, straight ahead: a large hill; our chances were dead.
• When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that'll leave a mark.
• If you can't say anything nice, at least make sure your sarcasm is witty.

By the way...what musical group does the above illustration bring to mind?

A Picture's Worth...Not Much

In a raging fit of boredom, Big Brother, Inc. co-worker, Queen CanDo, sent a few of us BBers the following picture:

Humorous, to be sure, but seeing as how the whole HeeHaw Gang of us had nothing to do, edits were made, subsequent versions were distributed, and we ended up changing the poor thing to THIS monstrosity:

Oh well...beats workin'...