Good Question

Beloved and I just got back from a long weekend/short vacation with SweaterGal and FlatulenceKing. My brother, Dave McCool, is turning 60 next week and a party was thrown early...just in case he doesn't make it, I guess.

A splendid time was had by all, except the cousin who got blindsided by a stray chunk of piñata. And when I say blindsided, I mean that he is now blind on his left side.

I particularly wanted to attend the wingding to bask in the little-remembered fact that there are people sucking air on Planet Earth who are actually older than I am. It was good to remind myself of that and had the additional benefit of Beloved seeing me looking young and virile in comparison to the walking cadavers that constituted most of the other attendees.

The biggest chuckle, for me at least, came during the drive back to the Land of 10,000 Forbidden Things. We were listening to a James Taylor CD, and Beloved wondered out loud, "Who decided to add an 'S'? Why isn't it Jame?"

And now you know why I love her so.

For the Follicly-Challenged

I was about to tell you the story of the genesis of what follows, but even the explanation of where it came from doesn't explain from whence it came. Suffice it to say that I must thank SamWise for the germ of the idea...and ask him to please wash his hands better from now on. If you're familiar with the music of the MopTops from LiverPool, you'll soon realize what tune should be going through your head with these words.

I'm a real no-hair man

Ain't got more than twenty strands

Barber, you should make no plans for me

Have no need for a comb

That's one thing I do not own

Fuller Brush Man, just go home, tee-hee

No-hair man, hair's missin'

We all know my head glistens

No-hair man, I'll never sing lead in a hard metal band

I'm as bald as I can be

On my head, skin's all I see

No-hair man, I'm dandruff-free, that's all

No-hair man, no graying

Do you hear what I'm saying?

Left it all for somebody else to grow what they can

I don't fret 'cause my hair's slim

No-hair man don't pay for trims

Don't you wish you were like him - like me

No-hair man, telling you all

I look like a cue ball

I can shave the top of my head with my bare hand

I'm a real no-hair man

Ain't got more than twenty strands

Barber, you should make no plans for me

Barber, you should make no plans for me

Barber, you should make no plans for me!

Runt Afghan Swami (Fun with Anagrams)

Beloved left me this morning.

Oh, don't worry...she plans to come back as soon as she's had her fill of her siblings and the mountains of Wyoming. Estimated time of her return home: mid-August...2014.

Until what time (if any) she returns, I leave in charge the Scarecrow, by virtue of his...oops...old audio loop...

Until her return, I'll do my best to accomplish something constructive. Take tonight (please): I thought I'd go through some of the piles of papers that tend to accumulate of their own free will while I'm busy having...you know...A LIFE! I was humming along at a fairly decent clip (making music with my lips closed...next to a reasonably respectable barber shop?) when I came upon a slip of paper with this Web address on it:

http://wordsmith.org/anagram/

From that point on, any hope of meaningful progress toward feng shui was off the table, out the window, down the drive, and thrown under a bus.

Consider the possible permutations of Beloved's full name, Debbie Ann Brewer Roth:

• A webbed reborn hinter - Translation: a Christian who doesn't come right out and SAY things...who happens to be a...frog?


• A thinner robber dweeb - At least I know she'd appreciate the part about being thinner.

What kind of visuals pop into your head with these rearrangements of my full name, Duane Alvin Roth?

• Radial oven hunt - Gotta be one around here someplace.


• Devour inhalant - Don't try this at home, kids.


• Round leviathan - Circular whale?


• Hot urine vandal - We aim to keep our rest room clean, your aim would...yeah, you've heard that one before.

Well, that's done. Now, I wonder what's about to expire in my hulu.com queue?

Almost the News XIII

E. Coli Fatal to 10 is Tied to Vegetables
...a fitting punishment indeed.

Man Gets Prison for Growing Pot
Wait...they're giving away prisons to pot-growers now? Talk about a white elephant gift! 

Ex-Tijuana Mayor Held in Guns Case
Hope they drilled an air hole for the little guy. 

Texas Negates Twins' Recent Strides
In a bold mixture of state autonomy and government health care, the physical therapy that recently helped conjoined twins, Kanga and Roo Hu, to be able to walk was officially poo-pooed by the Lone Star state.

Blagojevich Grilled During His Retrial
The judge had a cheese-brat, and the prosecuting attorney, unfortunately, got some barbecue sauce on his vest. Nevertheless, they were both heard to say, "Rod really knows his charcoal!" 

St. Croix Bridge Faces Fall Deadline
It needs to collapse by next Tuesday...or else. 

Twin Cities Man May Have Been Somali Suicide Bomber
I reserve the right to be wrong, but I'm pretty sure this should have been stated the other way around.

LowerMyExpectations.com

Recently, while I was waiting for a crossword-based game that shall remain nameless to finish loading on FaceBook, the following advertisement appeared in the margin (as all good FaceBook advertisements are want to do).

Every fiber of my proofreading body was personally offended by what I saw.

"CALIFORNIA Driver Are Being Ripped Off By Not Using This One Ridiculously Easy Trick"

I've got a news flash for LowerMyBills.com...YOU are being ripped off by a copywriter who can't compose a simple English sentence.

As if I'm going to trust my car insurance dollars to this company. I can only imagine what happens when you try to file a claim: "We sorry that you're policy does not covers the type of lost describes in you're claime."

It looks like Artie is in a funk...

...and rightly so.

It's bad enough this picture from the 1975 Grammy awards preserves forever Mr. Garfunkel's fashion faux pas of a tuxedo t-shirt...apparently, he's not too happy about being the only one who had to stand by the cadaver.

Thanks to 22words.com for bringing this gem to my attention.

4 8 15 16 23 42

For people who are missing the television experiment in exquisite frustration that was LOST, the title of this post holds wonderful memories. For the rest of you: 

1) What?!!? Do you live in a cave?!!?
2) Fret not, what follows should hold the same amount of deep meaning for you as it does for Losties...which is to say, little to none.

A game that some folks enamored with the series have played is to use these omenesque numbers in conjunction with the different books that were referenced on the show. Being at a loss for anything else to post in this space, I thought it might be fun to give it a try.

Being unable to find my copy of Watership Down, I decided to use another touchstone of popular culture, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

So...the idea is to discover a meaningful message in the first word on each of the pages: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42. Here we go: Past with no gingerly on shake 

Okay, that didn't work out so well. Maybe it should be the 4th word on page 4, the 8th word on page 8...Daylight it out the what missed

Ummmm...the last word on each page? It Dumbledore Hagrid gone the room

That's a little closer to something. How about inverting things and taking the 42nd word of page 4, the 23rd word of page 8...Morning he all to you shake

I know...I must have just chosen the wrong touchstone of popular culture. Let's try the final book in the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

1st words: Be your daily remembered exclusively Dudley

4/4, 8/8, etc.: The I upsurge charity a the 

Last words: Though table he more remarks son (Hmmm...this may be secretly hinting that Harry's father is actually a piece of furniture, but I doubt it.)

Inversion: We as of of inside himself

Okay, okay...maybe the book choice was weak. Let's go with the best-selling book of all time, the Bible. There is a multitude of translations/versions/editions, but I'll go with the copy I've got closest...yes, I'm just that lazy.

1st words: Then but Shechem between but I

4/4, 8/8, etc.: Of of and is the we

Last words: Taken ground strife country day them (Hmmm, Part Two...some foreshadowing of strife in the Middle East, perhaps?)

Inversion: The righteous the brothers his God

Look up the word awesome. I think the last phrase is in the definition.