ACT NOW!

The World Wide Wackfest is a marvelous thing. Using the appeal of the Internet, a person can take items that would normally be tossed aside as outdated, useless, or at the very least, quaint, and turn them into money-making opportunities of astounding proportions.

Observe:

What child could possibly resist the charm of a plastic, wind-up walking crab advertising Seattle? For a short time only, you can experience the thrill of the hunt as you find this little guy on ebay and enter into the bidding frenzy that is sure to ensue! With perseverance and determination, YOU could be the one to have this priceless souvenir shipped directly to your home or place of business! Click here: http://cgi.ebay.com/Seattle-Souvenir-Walking-Crab-Toy-/320559080911?cmd=ViewItem&pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item4aa2cf65cf


Or maybe classic entertainment is more to your liking: Imagine the joy on your child's face as you pop the fully restored, special edition of Disney's The Little Mermaid into your VCR! Relive the magical, musical moments of this film that marked the rebirth of Disney's animation department and ancillary marketing prowess. See it in all its VHS glory by clicking and bidding: http://cgi.ebay.com/Disneys-The-Little-Mermaid-Special-Edition-VHS-/320557802461?cmd=ViewItem&pt=VHS&hash=item4aa2bbe3dd

And finally, for those with slightly more sophisticated tastes: You can immerse yourself in the wizarding world of Harry Potter without going to Orlando or taking out a second mortgage! All you have to do is be the highest bidder at http://cgi.ebay.com/Harry-Potter-and-Sorcerers-Stone-VHS-w-new-footage-/320557808320?cmd=ViewItem&pt=VHS&hash=item4aa2bbfac0! Go back to where it all began with Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, now with Never-Before-Seen Footage! (And we're not talking about close-ups of Hagrid's toes, baby!)

These fantastic opportunities are only up for bid for a few days, so don't delay, or, or...or...well, golly! That would just be so not swell...

Almost the News VIII

Drive to Free Attorney Grows
The no-charge services of a lawyer have never been "just around the corner," but now one can expect even more highway time before getting there. 

Man's Shooting May Be Hate Crime
As a matter of fact, the chances of it being a love crime are practically zero. 

Ikea Recalls Blinds That Choked Child
Quoting a company-wide electronic newsletter: "That set of blinds was a beautiful shade of light brown; I remember them distinctly." 

Bill Would Trim Bankers' Say at Fed Banks
Who this guy, Bill, is, and why he has so much influence, is yet to be determined. 

Big Signs Will Be Allowed on Parkway
The city of Burnsville will suspend enforcement of its signage ordinance on Burnsville Parkway during road construction this summer, but the large signs are required to maintain a minimum speed of 35 miles per hour. 

Troops Targeting Taliban Leaders
In an attempt to gain a foothold for democracy and capitalism, U.S. troops in Afghanistan have been taking leaders of the insurgency on shopping sprees. 

Pavano's Latest Gem Halts Twins' Slide
A recent trip to a playground was cut short for Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen when a new diamond was put up for sale.

Hey, Dewey, why haven't you posted anything recently?

Possibly random concepts and/or factual facts that may or may not pertain to the above question:

• One of the driving forces behind Almost the Truth is seeing humor in the plethora of situations in which one finds oneself.
• There is often humor to be mined from what is actually a painful experience.
• Humor mined from pain is often not humorous to the actual person experiencing the actual pain.
• Since June 9th, my life has kept a fairly tight orbit around the planet of Beloved's knee replacement surgery and the recovery from said surgery.
• As a general rule, Beloved does not read Almost the Truth.
• Most general rules have at least one major exception.
• (Insert Murphy's Law here.)
• I know which side of the bread my butter is on.

Waiting Room

Here I sit, where families wait
While Beloved gets help for her gait
Our 31st to celebrate

What to get her for a present?
More costly than glass over pheasant
A new right knee: Oh my! How pleasant!

When they wheeled her through the door
I can't say that it was a bore
But I've had deja vu before

When 30 years we had been wed
To this same room I had been led
A new left knee laid her in bed

Back then, I felt a whole lot dumber
Than I do this cusp of summer
Now I know PT's a bummer

But still, we let the surgeon slice
To walk pain-free will be so nice
And so we've let him do it twice

No...surgery is not a curse
It certainly could be much worse:
I could compose a longer verse!

What's the Opposite of False Humility?

Every so often, I click my way over to amazon.com and search on "Almost the Truth about Youth Ministry" just to see if the book-selling behemoth is still making my tome available...or to see if anyone else has written a review. (Thanks, Denise Grove [classmate from high school], for "Funny, funny, funny! Dewey Roth should have written a longer book. I read it in one sitting. It left me wanting more.")

It's always a nice feeling to see it there, but imagine the stuh-range feeling I had when this was my search result:

I know that screenshot might be hard to read, so let me elucidate and illuminate...or at least ruminate. 

Brand new for $9.95. [UPDATED UPDATE, NOW THE TRUTH CAN BE TOLD: This book now costs only $6 at Lulu!] That makes perfect sense. That's what a person would pay at http://stores.lulu.com/deweyroth.

I can even kind of understand "12 new from $8.36." Lulu.com being the only place where the book is actually available, (if amazon sells a copy, they have to buy it from lulu.com first) there are apparently some independent sellers out there willing to take a $1.59 loss in hopes of making it up with inflated shipping charges. Okay...fine.

But here's what does a fairly fine job of confusing me beyond the bounds of my normal, loose grasp of reality: "2 used from $16.27"? And to be exact, one seller is offering a "used--like new" copy for $16.27 and a different seller has decided he/she can't let a copy go for anything under $16.28.

Wha--?!!?

Are there people out there who just refuse to get a decent bargain and insist, instead, on paying over 63.5% more? For a used copy? (And True Truth be told, you and I both know those sellers haven't purchased a copy from lulu.com yet, so if anyone is fool enough to order from them, it will be an absolutely new copy.)

What is this...the 1980s?

Of course, the best solution to it all is for you fine folks to order a copy directly from lulu.com, so the pauper-esque publisher (me) gets a bigger share of your hard-earned greenbacks. THAT'LL teach those unscrupulous up-markers of others' output!

The Muppets Take Hollywood

It started innocently enough. Doesn’t it always? 

On May 16, 2010, I had wanted to note the anniversary of the death of Muppet creator, Jim Henson, in my Facebook status, and so… 

It was 20 years ago today, Kermit's daddy just passed away... 

This led to a few comments from friends about how we couldn’t believe it had been that long ago and how we were glad to hear that a new Muppet movie was in production. 

That’s when the speculations began… 

Samwise: What's it going to be? Singing in the Pond, Citizen Kerm, The Princess Pig, or Avatoad? 

Dewey: It's a somber drama...Felt Needs. Or maybe a horror picture about puppet cannibalism...Foam on the Range. 

T-Girl: What about The Wizard of Foz? 

Dewey: The Count of Monte Gonzo 

T-Girl: Animal House...no, wait 

Dewey: Indiana Kermit and the Electric Mayhem 

Samwise: Statler and Waldorf of Arabia; The Maltese Fozzie; How to Train Your Piggy; Dances with Rizzo 

T-Girl: Doctor Pigvago 

Dewey: A sequel to Castaway, but starring a certain green someone…Kermit the Hermit; Bert & Ernie Go to White Castle; The Big Birdowski… 

And people say spending time on Facebook is wasteful. Ha!

Almost the News VII

In Hot Water, Utah GOP Leader Quits
Utah's House majority leader announced his resignation at a press conference today held in a hot tub. 

DNR has Hired Sharpshooters to Take Out Small Herd of Elk
Apparently, the elk were not able to find their own dates. 

World's Most Endangered Turtle Species is Threatened
Well, yeah...that would go along with being endangered, wouldn't it? 

Jacobs Abused Boys Back to '62
Physicist, Ezekiel Jacobs, was amazed today as he found that, instead of a specially-equipped DeLorean, all it took was some physical violence to initiate time travel.

44,000 Helmets Recalled by Army
It was an evening full of nostalgia as soldiers from wars long since past reminisced about their headgear. 

Chinese Professor Gets 3.5 Years for Setting Up Sex Parties
Seems like way more prep time than would be necessary.