#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithSynonyms

 

This is the kind of thing that could have been strung out over a multitude of #TuesdayTrivia entries on the Almost the Truth™ Publishing Facebook page, but (to almost quote Back to the Future's Doc Brown) then I figured, what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?

• The Diety Male Parent
• The Lightless Templar
• A Dozen Furious Fellows
• The Nobleman of the Finger Circlets
• Lurid Unreal Narrative

• The Excellent, the Awful, and the Unattractive
• Altercation League
• One Swooped Above and Past the Fool's Structure of Twigs, Grass, and Mud
• It's a Marvelous Animate Existence
• The Noiselessness of the Young Sheep

Stupid Stories™: Ms Wack, Loan Officer

 

Patti Wack was recently hired at a local bank as a loan officer and was having trouble deciding whether to lend money to a particular applicant.

The first red flag for Ms Wack was that the potential customer wasn't human. He wasn't even a mammal. The "person" applying for a loan was a frog.

A frog!

How was she supposed to deal with a googly-eyed, web-footed, amphibious creature who wanted the bank to entrust him with cash? He had no job other than sitting around in a swamp.

"How deep is this swamp you sit in, sir?"

"Knee deep. Knee deep."

"Be that as it may, I see no reliable source of income from which to repay this loan you're asking for. Do you have anything you could put up as collateral?"

The frog handed Patti a ceramic figurine of a red-winged blackbird.

"Excuse me, sir, let me consult with my manager."

Patti took the figurine to her manager and, after explaining the whole situation, said, "What am I supposed to do? I mean, I don't even know what this thing he's calling collateral even is."

The loan manager looked her in the eyes and, in a condescending tone, said, "It's a knick-knack, Patti Wack, give the frog a loan."

Goodbye, Penelope Rose: The 380th Greatest Song

 

It is no secret that when Elton John sings, people don't understand the words.

Sometimes, it's because Bernie Taupin's lyrics are weird and only representational of coherent trains of thought. But mostly, it's because Sir Elton has trouble enunciating important sounds...like consonants.

A prime example is the song "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road." It's a fine melody and attempts to express a longing for a simpler life, but when you replace what Bernie wrote with what people hear Elton singing, things quickly go awry.

When are you gonna come down?
When are you gonna calm down?

When are you going to land?
When are you going to learn?

I should have stayed on the farm
I shoved that stake in my arm

I should have listened to my old man
Shoveled glitter into my can

You know you can't hold me forever
You know your cap told me more better

I didn't sign up with you
I giggle hiccup with you

I'm not a present for your friends to open
I'm not a pheasant for your hands to hold on

This boy's too young to be singing the blues
"Da boing do yada," me's singing the blues

So goodbye yellow brick road
So goodbye, Penelope Rose

Where the dogs of society howl
Where the dogs are, though I can't see how

You can't plant me in your penthouse
Your cat locked me in your penthouse, or
You can't have me as your pen pal

I'm going back to my plough
I'm going back to my cow

Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Back to just howlin' around in the world, or
Back to the hidey-hole out in the woods

Hunting the horny-back toad
Punt with a horny, old sow

Oh, I've finally decided my future lies
Oh, I find that my eyes, all putrified

Beyond the yellow brick road
Belong to hollow brick role

BESIDES...

Shouldn't the whole thing have been more about The Wizard of Oz?

When the wind's done spinnin' 'round

When am I going to land?

I should have stayed on the ground

I should have listened to Auntie Em

Ahh...a lost opportunity indeed.