Almost the News XXXI

 

Real Headlines. Fake News

South Korea's Impeached President Formally Arrested
It was a black-tie affair at the Seoul Jail

Manure Practices Harming Well Water
Coach Taurus Scat is quoted as saying "I think we'll have it down pat in time for the weekend."

Waterlogged South, Midwest Face Rising Rivers, Flash Floods
No word yet on the filing of charges for indecent exposure

Fed Up, State GOP Fights Far-right Group
Party spokesperson, O. Penmouth, said, "There's no way we were going to try this on an empty stomach."

Clinton Remembers Oklahoma City Bombing
The former president is quoted as saying, "Now, if only I could remember where I left my phone."

Teachers Accuse Board of Meddling
Ossian Elementary's Mrs. Hunter: "Stupid piece of wood has no business even expressing an opinion."

Echolocution Revisted

 

Consider, dear reader, the lowly contronym: a single word with two contradictory meanings. They don't happen often, but when they do, sentences become ... let's just say ... unique.

Release the door's bolt so I can bolt out of here.

I would be bound for Phoenix, if only my feet were not bound.

The restaurant had to garnish the chef's wages to be able to garnish the entrees.

She has a real servant's heart. She can't help but help.

We need to dust this room for fingerprints before the maid comes in to dust.

Make this rope fast to the rail, and do it fast.

We always do personalized work. It is our custom to do a custom job.

There is only one person left in the room. Everyone else left.

Here's something I'd like to throw out for your consideration: Let's throw out all members who haven't paid their dues.

Don't trip as you make your trip up the aisle.

Let's wind up this top, let it go, and try to guess where it might wind up.

If the bridge doesn't hold up, it's going to hold up traffic.

Let's put out feelers to see who can put out the fire.

A strike is when the batter fails to strike the ball.

The alarm is going off! Somebody needs to turn it off!

I need to lose weight. Otherwise, my belt buckle might buckle under the stress.

Please overlook this task so nothing gets overlooked.

The committee chose to sanction the sanction of plastic bags. (The committee approved the boycott of plastic bags.)

We're going to weather the stormy weather in this weathered barn. (Why am I weeding this sentence wike Elmer Fudd?)

The Unconsummated Marriage: The 391st Greatest Song

 

In its day, "Band of Gold," by Freda Payne, sparked a bit of controversy: Was it about an impotent man or a frigid woman? Here are the lyrics that had tongues wagging...

We kissed after taking vows

But that night on our honeymoon

We stayed in separate rooms

I understand how a person could think that situation was the result of a romantic mishap, but I don't think that interpretation is required. I mean, maybe their hotel reservation got messed up or something!

Okay, I admit the next verse leans a little more toward the sexual dysfunction theory:

I wait in the darkness of my lonely room

Filled with sadness, filled with gloom

Hoping soon

That you'll walk back through that door

And love me like you tried before

But what people forget is that the whole relationship apparently started with a violent abduction:

You took me from the shelter of my mother

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Then again, maybe the groom just got freaked out by the seven fingers on his bride's right hand.

SNL, Disney, and My Cowbell Embarrassment

 

Apparently, I'm weird.

Well ... maybe unique is a better word.

Case in point:

Back in the days when Will Ferrel was a Saturday Night Live cast member, there was a particular sketch featuring Mr. Ferrel in a too-small-for-him shirt, playing cowbell as Blue Oyster Cult records their hit, "Don't Fear the Reaper." As the record producer, Christopher Walken repeatedly interrupts the recording to ask for ... and later, forcefully demand ... more cowbell.

It was pretty hilarious and even ended up being featured as a whole episode of the recent docuseries on SNL's 50 years of existence.

Okay ... now ...

Go back to the theatrical release of Disney's "live action" remake of The Jungle Book. I'm sitting in a packed movie theater. Mowgli is sitting in the orangutans' temple, which is strewn with found objects and treasures collected by the apes, about to meet their monarch, King Louie.

With the what-I-thought-was-common knowledge that Christopher Walken was the voice of King Louie, I saw Mowgli reach into the pile of stuph and pull out, with curiosity and confusion, a cowbell.

I laughed mightily.

I was the only one.

Apparently, I'm weird.

The Superiority of Technology Strikes Again

 

WHEREAS...
In terms of the age of the universe, it wasn't very long ago when I was desperately applying for any and all technical writer positions within driving distance of my domicile.

THEREFOR...
I still get contacted from time to time by recruiters hoping to receive a placement fee by getting me hired for some 6-month contract or other.

THE ISSUE IS...
     1.  I am no longer searching for a short-term contract job to keep my head above water.
     2.  I do not answer calls from anyone not in my phone's contact list.
     3.  Most of the recruiters who leave messages are apparently calling from a particular sub-continent known for having call centers and considering cows sacred.
     4.  The transcription robot for my voicemail doesn't do well with heavy accents.

FOR INSTANCE...
The following is an exact reproduction of a transcript of a recent voice message:

Hi June this site Fasel I'm calling you from CCS global tech. This call is regarding the position of technical right foot in Saint Paul Minnesota so if you're available in the job market, you can always call me back on my number that 610-******* all you can I have shared you the job description from my email that thought about that sea global tech. You can always go ahead and vote me on the seat. Thank you.

Technical right foot...Is that a motorized prosthesis?

Also...my dad voted me on the seat more than once. It was never a pleasant experience.