The Unconsummated Marriage: The 391st Greatest Song

 

In its day, "Band of Gold," by Freda Payne, sparked a bit of controversy: Was it about an impotent man or a frigid woman? Here are the lyrics that had tongues wagging...

We kissed after taking vows

But that night on our honeymoon

We stayed in separate rooms

I understand how a person could think that situation was the result of a romantic mishap, but I don't think that interpretation is required. I mean, maybe their hotel reservation got messed up or something!

Okay, I admit the next verse leans a little more toward the sexual dysfunction theory:

I wait in the darkness of my lonely room

Filled with sadness, filled with gloom

Hoping soon

That you'll walk back through that door

And love me like you tried before

But what people forget is that the whole relationship apparently started with a violent abduction:

You took me from the shelter of my mother

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Then again, maybe the groom just got freaked out by the seven fingers on his bride's right hand.

SNL, Disney, and My Cowbell Embarrassment

 

Apparently, I'm weird.

Well ... maybe unique is a better word.

Case in point:

Back in the days when Will Ferrel was a Saturday Night Live cast member, there was a particular sketch featuring Mr. Ferrel in a too-small-for-him shirt, playing cowbell as Blue Oyster Cult records their hit, "Don't Fear the Reaper." As the record producer, Christopher Walken repeatedly interrupts the recording to ask for ... and later, forcefully demand ... more cowbell.

It was pretty hilarious and even ended up being featured as a whole episode of the recent docuseries on SNL's 50 years of existence.

Okay ... now ...

Go back to the theatrical release of Disney's "live action" remake of The Jungle Book. I'm sitting in a packed movie theater. Mowgli is sitting in the orangutans' temple, which is strewn with found objects and treasures collected by the apes, about to meet their monarch, King Louie.

With the what-I-thought-was-common knowledge that Christopher Walken was the voice of King Louie, I saw Mowgli reach into the pile of stuph and pull out, with curiosity and confusion, a cowbell.

I laughed mightily.

I was the only one.

Apparently, I'm weird.

The Superiority of Technology Strikes Again

 

WHEREAS...
In terms of the age of the universe, it wasn't very long ago when I was desperately applying for any and all technical writer positions within driving distance of my domicile.

THEREFOR...
I still get contacted from time to time by recruiters hoping to receive a placement fee by getting me hired for some 6-month contract or other.

THE ISSUE IS...
     1.  I am no longer searching for a short-term contract job to keep my head above water.
     2.  I do not answer calls from anyone not in my phone's contact list.
     3.  Most of the recruiters who leave messages are apparently calling from a particular sub-continent known for having call centers and considering cows sacred.
     4.  The transcription robot for my voicemail doesn't do well with heavy accents.

FOR INSTANCE...
The following is an exact reproduction of a transcript of a recent voice message:

Hi June this site Fasel I'm calling you from CCS global tech. This call is regarding the position of technical right foot in Saint Paul Minnesota so if you're available in the job market, you can always call me back on my number that 610-******* all you can I have shared you the job description from my email that thought about that sea global tech. You can always go ahead and vote me on the seat. Thank you.

Technical right foot...Is that a motorized prosthesis?

Also...my dad voted me on the seat more than once. It was never a pleasant experience.