Almost the News XXIX

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Cardinal Convicted of Embezzlement
"It took quite a while to get to federal crime status, considering how little cash at a time that bird could carry in its beak."

Three Injured in Paris Train Station Attack
WHY they attacked, we may never know, but their ability to attack, despite the injuries they received in a Paris train station, is noteworthy.

Natural Disasters Taking Toll on Insurers
Local State Farm agent Phil Coffers was refused entrance onto the Lincoln Bridge unless he paid $4 to Hurricane Lulu.

Deaths Reported After Butt Lift Surgery
Statistician Ittle Addup says, "Well, of course people die after having that surgery! No one performs a surgery after the patient dies."

Proposals on Youth Crime Have a Familiar Ring
""Sweetheart, I stole this from your mother. Will you marry me?"

Senator Pushing for Financial Transparency
In a recent press release, Senator John Marty said, "Just think how cool it would be if we could see through a ten-dollar bill!"

Local Athletes Can Call Themselves NCAA Champs
It doesn't make it so, but they can still call themselves champs.

Meaningful Conversation
Kind of sad this is newsworthy, eh?

Housing Officials Offer Homelessness Plan
"You want to become homeless and we can help."

#MakeABandNameLame

 

I know there's a risk of some folks not knowing the original artist names on some of these. Consider it a word puzzle for the musically-challenged.

• Aluminum Foil Zeppelin
• Freddie Pluto & Scullery Maid
• Gray Sabbath

• Jim Morrison & the Accordion Panels
• Mildly Spicy Chili Peppers
• Neil Zirconium
• Peter, Paul, and Maybe
• The Beatless
• The Rolling Stoned
• The Who Cares
• Tom Petty and the Toestubbers
• Two Dog Night
• Wasyonce
• Water pistols ‘N Dandelions 
• Whine Against the Machine
• YY Bottom

If R. Kelly Wrote for Elmer Instead of Michael: 406th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Having been asked by Michael Jordon if he wanted to write a song for his movie (i.e., Space Jam), R. Kelly took on the task and ended up winning a couple Grammys for "I Believe I Can Fly."

But what if Elmer Fudd had posed the question instead of Air Jordan?

I've been hunting wabbits in the forest so wide
With my twusty shotgun by my side.
I tiptoe thwough the bushes so very sly
With a twinkle in my eye, I bewieve I can fwy

I bewieve I can fwy
I bewieve I can touch the sky
I think about it every day, as I hunt wabbits all the way
I bewieve I can soar, I'm an expert on the lore
I bewieve I can fwy, I bewieve I can fwy

I'll sneak up on that wabbit, oh so quiet
With my carrot bait, I'll ignite the wiot
With Elmer Fudd's skills, I'm the king of the sky
In pursuit of wabbits, I bewieve I can fwy.

I'll build a giant twap to catch Bugs in my wap
With a chuckle and a gwin, it's the wabbit's final spin
Thwough the air I'll glide on my hunting spwee so wide
With Elmer Fudd's gwace, I bewieve I can fwy

(Thanks, ChatGPT.)

The Secret to a 45-Year Marriage

 

Beloved and I are two days away from our 45th wedding anniversary and I am at a loss for a significant-yet-affordable way to celebrate the milestone.

Last year, we vacationed in Hawaii. It was a trip we "won" in a fund-raising auction and the timing just kind of worked out for it to be anniversary-esque.

But NOW what?

The WorldWideWackfest tells me the traditional gift for a 45th anniversary is sapphire:

Some believe the deep blue color represents the deep love you share after all these years. The sapphire is also considered a stone of royalty which makes it the ideal gemstone to honor 45 years of marriage. In the same way that a sapphire shines, your 45 years of marriage stands as a gleaming example of longevity for others.

I'm not really sure what being "a stone of royalty" has to do with it...other than if you don't treat your wife like a queen you'll never make it to 45 years.

I'm not even all that sure Beloved shares a "deep love" for me. Maybe she just can't stand the thought of breaking in a new husband. It's not that she's devoted to me, she's just trying to be energy-efficient.

She's learned how to ignore my warped sense of humor and total lack of handyman skills...why let all that self-training she's done go to waste?

Better the devil you know, right?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Happy Anniversary, Beloved! Here's to several more years of being resignedly tolerant.