Hoped-For Headlines for 2024

 

With a little luck, some of these just might get printed for real.

Last-minute Candidate with Brains and an Actual Moral Compass Wins Write-in Campaign for the Presidency

Longmire Returns to Television with a 5-year Contract

All Music Recorded in the 21st Century Mysteriously Disappears

The Health Benefits of Kale Revealed as a Hoax

It Is No Longer Fashionable to Broadcast One's Sexual or Gender Proclivities

Supreme Court Rules That Yelling Does Not Make Your Stupid Theory Correct

Usage of "Should Of" Instead of "Should've" or "Should Have" Results in Large Fines

Waste-of-Ink Comic Strip Fred Bassett Finally Shuts Down #FredBassettMustDie

#RuinAChristmasSong

 

What would happen if some unscrupulous modifier wreaked havoc with our classic holiday tunes?

Away in a Manager  -  All the cookies get eaten by your immediate supervisor.

O Hum, O Hum Emmanuel  -  When you don't know the words

Silent Knight  -  "Silent knight. Deaf-mute knight. With his helmet on, he's got limited sight."

O Come to Old Faithful  -  The latest promotional jingle for the U.S. Parks Department

120 Days of Christmas  -  Can't. Imagine. Singing this. Ever.

Do You Smell What I Smell?  -  "In the stable near, shepherd boy"

Soy to the World  -  Vegan anthem

Cookies We Have Burnt on High  -  Time to fix the oven

Whose Tupperware Is This?  -  "Whose Tupperware is this, that holds the salad, that no one seems to have wanted?"

God Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen  -  Holiday revelers have the right to remain silent.

Tingle Bells  -  A short in an extension chord leads to a shocking discovery.

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1990s

 

Having already turned several chart toppers from the Fifties through the Seventies into Christmas tunes (Click the Christmas label to find them), we now focus our parody powers on the 1990s*:

How Am I Supposed to Give Without You?  -  Michael Bolton doesn't know what gifts to buy now that he's divorced.

Nice Ice Baby  -  Vanilla Ice raps about the quality of his girlfriend's backyard pond.

Baby Baby  -  "Baby baby, laying in a manger. You came to rescue my soul from danger." (Amy Grant)

Baby Took Back  -  Sir Mix-A-Lot tells the tale of returning purchases.

Santa's Paradise  -  "As I walk through the valley of the shadow of snow, I take a look at my life and think, 'Ho Ho Ho'!" (Coolio)

I Will Always Love Eggnog  -  A huge hit for Whitney Houston

I'll Make Rolls for You  -  "I'll make rolls for you like grandma used to do." (Boyz II Men)

Mo Money Mo Gifts  -  The Notorious B.I.G. pays homage to consumerism.

Gettin' Figgy Wit It  -  "On your mark ready set let's go; Kitchen pro I know you know I go psycho when my pudding's lit; Just can't sit; Gotta get figgy wit it" (Will Smith)

Livin' La Vida Mortal  -  Ricky Martin sings as if he's Jesus celebrating his family's escape to Egypt. The video for this song featured a computer-generated dancing baby.

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* Editor's Note: We noticed...just before publishing this post...that Dewey skipped over the 1980s. Gives us all something to look forward to in December 2024.

The Birth of a Stalker: The 414th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Most music lovers "of a certain age" know the Coasters by their big hits:

• Yakety Yak  -  "Take out the papers and the trash...Don't talk back!"
• Charlie Brown  -  "Why's everybody always pickin' on me?"
• Along Came Jones  -  "Slow-walkin' Jones; slow-talkin' Jones; along came long, lean, lanky Jones"

The connecting thread between these songs is a big, healthy dose of humor in each one. And according to Rolling Stone magazine, their first hit, ranked as the 414th greatest song of all time, was the "hilarious jailbait ditty 'Young Blood' that got these jokers into the Top Ten."

I was willing to accept that characterization of the song until I read the lyrics:

I saw her standin' on the corner

A yellow ribbon in her hair

I couldn't keep myself from shoutin'

Look a-there Look a-there

Look a-there Look a-there

Young blood, young blood, young blood

I can't get you out of my mind

I took one look and I was fractured

I tried to walk but I was lame

I tried to talk but I just stuttered

What's your name What's your name

What's your name What's your name

Young blood, young blood, young blood

I can't get you out of my mind

What crazy stuff She looked so tough

I had to follow her all the way home

Then things went bad; I met her dad

He said, "You'd better leave my daughter alone"

I couldn't sleep a wink for tryin'

I saw the rising of the sun

And all night my heart was cryin'

You're the one, you're the one

You're the one, you're the one

Young blood, young blood, young blood

I can't get you out of my mind

So let me get this straight...

Some juvenile delinquent with impulse control issues catcalls a young girl, follows her home, is warned off by the girl's father, and stays up all night fixating on her as the only object of his affection.

That's not hilarious...that's the opening scene of an episode of Criminal Minds or Law and Order!

Observed Absurdities™ 64 - Dairy Confusion at FastStop

 

In the 1950s, the laundry detergent brand Cheer advertised the enviable fact that it included a "blue-magic whitener". This led Allan "Camp Granada" Sherman to musically ask, "What does that blue magic whitener do? Does it make blue things white, or make white things blue?"

I was reminded of that moment in advertising and pop music history when I saw the following sign on the freezer door at my local FastStop convenience store/gas station/tobacco emporium:

Is this butter-flavored ice cream or ice-cream-flavored butter?

And the second item in the What's Wrong With This Picture category is the apparent pair of options I get to choose from concerning the price of this dairy delight.

Dear FastStop:

Perhaps you should consider hiring me as a proofreader instead of a cashier.

Dewey "IB4E" Roth