Failed Bank Robbery Emphasizes Marital Conflict of Interests

 

Prologue
Whenever Beloved and I visit a new location, we are immediately set at odds with each other.

I'm the kind of person who likes to stop and read the little informational signs and descriptive text put up by museums and chambers of commerce and restroom attendants. Beloved, on the other hand, prefers to comment on a location's visual beauty or lack thereof and move on.

Why My Way Is Better
While visiting Beloved's brother in Wyoming, we took a day trip to Red Lodge, Montana...home of several gift shops, geode dispensaries, and jerky emporiums. We were strolling down the sidewalk when I noticed an iron plaque attached to a building's cornerstone. Beloved walked into the store while I, of course, stopped to read the plaque:

"FOILED BANK ROBBERY SITE: On Sept. 18, 1887, the Sundance Kid (Harry Longbaugh), Kid Curry and others of the 'Wild Bunch' rode into Red Lodge after escaping from jail in Belle Fourche, S.D., and announced their intention of making an unauthorized withdrawal from the Carbon County Bank. They botched the job and Sheriff John Dunn rode off in hot pursuit. After an 80-mile chase, he and his posse captured them near Lavina. The robbers were returned to the Deadwood, S.D. jail, where they again escaped."

Now you see? If I hadn't stopped and read that, I never would have had a giggle at the expense of 19th Century jailors, and I never would have known that Red Lodge's claim to fame was an unproductive visit from the Sundance Kid.

It made me feel instantly connected to Robert Redford.

And even more importantly, if I hadn't taken a picture of the plaque, I wouldn't have anything to blog about today and you would be looking at a blank webpage.

Oh, the agony!

Observed Absurdities™ 61 - Driving While Selfish

 

While exchanging empty trash bags for full ones as part of my part-time work at the gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium called FastStop, I witnessed a prime example of man's inhumanity to man...perpetrated in the name of MeFirst/Gimme-Gimme/I-Me-Me-Mine.

The attached photo is roughly equivalent to the POV of the driver I will refer to as KingBufordTheFirst.

When KingBufordTheFirst was done putting gas in his car, he apparently saw the driver in the gold car (PopeInnocentTheSeventh) put his car in reverse, accompanied by the appropriate lighting of the aptly-named backup lights. I say it was apparent KingBufordTheFirst saw this because he promptly honked his car's horn to let PopeInnocentTheSeventh know that he was pulling out so His Eminence better just watch out.

The reason I label this an absurdity: PopeInnocentTheSeventh's backup lights were for the purpose of warning KingBufordTheFirst to watch out for the immediate backward movement of the gold car. Buford should have put his car in park and waited...instead of putting his foot on the gas and charging full speed ahead.

I find this particularly frustrating when I'm attempting to back out of a parking space and I'm flanked by other parked cars and can't see if anything is coming until I'm three-quarters of the way out into the lane. Cars driving down the row can obviously see my backup lights and my careful movement into the path of parking lot cruisers, but instead of braking and letting me safely get out of the parking spot, nine times out of ten, KingBuford or one of his kin will put the pedal to the metal to save the 10 seconds it would have taken for me to get out of their way.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

And you're right: none of this is really funny at all.

Oh the Woes of a Part-Time Worker: The 421st Greatest Song of All Time

 

Billy Joel's "Piano Man" truly is a great song...even though Joel says, "I have no idea why that song became so popular. It's like a karaoke favorite. The melody is not very good and very repetitious, while the lyrics are like limericks. I was shocked and embarrassed when it became a hit."

Poor Billy...dragging himself in shock and embarrassment all the way to the bank.

Makes me wonder how shocked and embarrassed I might become if I recorded a FastStop rewrite...

It's seven a.m. on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man at the coffee bar
Choosing whether to swear or just grin

He says, "Son can you find me the creamers
I'm not really sure where they are
But my woman has said
That without them I'm dead
And she's waiting out there in the car."

Sell us some gas you're the FastStop man
Sell us some gas tonight
It's plain to see we've got places to be
Don't need a receipt, so goodbye

Now John at the counter's a friend of mine
He always does the outside trash
But it's such a joke; he goes out there to smoke
And to pocket folks' leftover cash

He says, "Dewey, I think this is killing me."
(And he doesn't mean his cigarette)
"Each person I meet smells like infected feet
And I'm growing a credit card debt."

Now Paul's a retired machinist
Who always gets diet root beer
And he's making me weary, with his conspiracy theory
And telling me what I should fear

And gas pump 13 isn't working
According to mad Mr. Deed
"Yes they're turned on, but you're doing it wrong
How can you drive but not read?"

Sell us some gas you're the FastStop man
Sell us some gas tonight
It's plain to see we've got places to be
Don't need a receipt, so goodbye

There's always a crowd on a Saturday
And we're always a co-worker short
The truck's comin' in, we're as busy as sin
And our manager's held up in court

And the register sounds like a carnival
And the freezer smells like it's broke down
And the people all day using hundreds to pay
For a two-fifty bill make me frown

Sell us some gas you're the FastStop man
Sell us some gas tonight
It's plain to see we've got places to be
Don't need a receipt, so goodbye

Almost the News XXVI

Genuine Headlines. Fake News.

Bison Find Minnesota Ranch to Their Liking
Salad dressing made in other states doesn't seem to please their palates.

Ramsey County Sheriff Is Ordered to Cut Jail Population
with a really big knife.

Family Detained After Shooting Gets $700K
Why did they wait until after the shooting got paid off to detain the family?

Migrants Relieved to Reach U.S.
In order to make it from their home countries to American soil, the latest group of migrants used the draining of their bladders as a power source.

Fragile DFL Majorities Stayed United for Change
"Yes," commented DFL party president, Wedo Upay, "The amount we accepted for staying together was quite small. Pocket change, really."

Kissinger Turns 100 and Is Still Active in Global Affairs
The world is amazed at how long Henry Kissinger has kept himself safe from jealous husbands.

Rural Patients Pained by Shortage of Care Providers
One partially-paralyzed farmer is quoted as saying, "It's bad enough I need help taking care of myself; couldn't they find somebody a little taller?"