Friday, October 29, 2021

#MakeABandEdible

 

It's a simple enough task I've set before myself today. My job is to take the name of a band and tweak it in some way so it becomes edible. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

The Beetles (I said edible, not necessarily delicious.)

Blood, Sweat and Pears

Bon Bon Jovi

Buffalo Wings Springfield

Chicago Deep Dish

Cream

Crosby, Dills, Gnash & Yum

Depeche a la Mode

Diana Ross & the Krispy Kremes

The Door Jams

Earth, Wind & Fire-Roasted Nuts

Fleetwood Mac & Cheese

I have no idea who I stole this from


Grateful Bread

The Peach Boys

Pink Salmon Floyd

Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Rolling Scones

Simon & Garpretzel

Smashing Pumpkin Pies

Smokey Links & the Miracles


Friday, October 22, 2021

The 449th Greatest Song: Neither Nickel Road Nor Dime Avenue

 

The story goes that Paul McCartney wrote "Penny Lane," which is full of memories of his growing up years, as a result of having heard John Lennon's "Strawberry Fields Forever," which is full of memories of HIS growing up years, assuming John's youth was spent in a Tourettes-like burst of non-sequiturs and verbal bulimia.



Music critics Roy Carr and Tony Tyler characterized the "Penny Lane" lyric as describing "Liverpool-on-a-sunny-hallucinogenic-afternoon."

Some of the phrases DO bear a bit of explaining...

On the corner is a banker with a motorcar
The little children laugh at him behind his back
And the banker never wears a mac
In the pouring rain, very strange

I'm guessing we are meant to assume the children think it's funny for a banker to own a car but apparently not a raincoat ("mac"). I prefer to think the humor lies in the banker having repossessed a car but needing to park it on the street during a rainstorm because his underground garage is flooded.


Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes

Road grit and gravel may be causing permanent damage to both Paul's hearing and visual acuity.


In Penny Lane there is a fireman with an hourglass
And in his pocket is a portrait of the queen

A low-tech Luddite is in charge of fighting fires. Help!


Fish and finger pies

This is just plain gross and needs to stop.


The pretty nurse is selling poppies from a tray
And though she feels as if she's in a play
She is anyway

If she IS in a play, why the word "though"? It's like saying, "She's in a play, however, she thinks she's in a play."


Darn Brits...don't know how to speak plain English.


Friday, October 15, 2021

What if ABBA Were Vikings?

 


Poor Bjorn. A Viking's life of transatlantic pillaging just wasn't fulfilling. He needed a creative outlet. So, he turned his back on the ocean, grabbed a few friends, and formed the group, ABBA: After-Boat Bjorn Associates.

They did amazingly well in the cutthroat music business...perhaps because they were already familiar with cutting throats. Just look at the string of Top-40 hits they produced:

Rowing Me and Rowing You  -  We'll go in circles with one, not two

S.O.S  -  The raft you gave me, nothing else can save me, S.O.S.

Take a Cruise  -  If you loot this town, I will be around. Lena, I'm still free. Take a cruise with me.

Bjarney  -  The wind was filling up our sails that night, the stars were bright, Bjarney. You were using them to plot our course, because we're Norse, Bjarney.

Waterlogged  -  Waterlogged! Couldn't float now even in a bog. Waterlogged! Knowing my fate is to sleep with frogs.

Mamma Mia  -  Mamma mia, you Italians! My my, how I love to pillage!

Viking Queen  -  Use an axe! Use a knife! No problem taking a life. Ooh, see that girl; she's so mean, diggin' the Viking queen!


To see/hear the author reading/singing this post, click here.


Friday, October 8, 2021

Musical Gas Pumps 3: John, Paul, George, and Diesel

 

You'll be glad to know that I am still singing songs to authorize in-store payment for out-store vehicle fueling at the gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium known within the confines of this blog as FastStop.

Further good news is that there is now a list of Beatles parodies that are bringing surprise, delight, and/or shock and dismay to unsuspecting motorists.




(I Saw Her Standing There)

Well, you are on pump 17
And you're getting gasoline
Yeah, your pickup truck looks way beyond compare
Please come inside to pay; whooooo
Before you drive away


(Let It Be)

When you find yourself out at pump 10
Getting fuel at FastStop today
Heed these words of wisdom, "Come in to pay"


(Lady Madonna)

Hey there, pump 7
Getting gas today
When you're through, here's what to do
Come inside to pay


(Eight Days a Week)

I see you at pump 6
Getting fuel today
When your tank is filled up
Please don't drive away
Oh, come inside to pay
Don't you dare drive away
I'm selling fuel at FastStop
Eight days a week


To hear these tunes in all their radiant splendor, go to YouTube by CLICKING HERE.


Friday, October 1, 2021

By the Time I Get Exhausted

 

Number 450 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time is a geographical hot mess.

Jimmy Webb starts "By the Time I Get to Phoenix" with these words:

By the time I get to Phoenix, she'll be rising

Assuming he's starting from Los Angeles and that she's getting up around 6:30 to get ready for her morning commute, that means he needs to start heading east on Interstate 10 at 1:00 AM.

The second verse starts:

By the time I make Albuquerque, she'll be working
She'll probably stop at lunch and give me a call

To make that bit of narrative possible, he'll head roughly northeast on a series of state highways until he hits I-40...and she'll be taking her lunch break at 1:00.

Third verse. Different than the first. And our little map adventure gets a little bit worse:

By the time I make Oklahoma, she'll be sleeping

This is where I start disbelieving the whole scenario.

From Albuquerque, New Mexico, to the Oklahoma state line is a drive of five hours and 45 minutes. It is now 6:45 PM in Los Angeles, she obviously has taken at least one dose of a sleeping pill, and he has driven for almost 18 hours.

Methinks he's a little obsessed with the whole romantic notion of traveling across the country just to prove her wrong when she thinks that he won't really go.

Wouldn't leaving his apartment key on top of a tersely-written note suffice? Sheesh.