Musical Gas Pumps 2

 

Faithful readers may recall a post from two years ago spilling the beans about how I sing to people at the fuel pumps at the gas station/convenience store/cigarette emporium I sometimes work at, FastStop. (For a reminder, click here.)

Well, I've added to the jukebox selections since then.

("Carry On Wayward Son" - Kansas)

Carry on out at pump one

Come in to pay when you are done

I got one more thing to say:

Don'tcha drive away

("Hey Hey Good Lookin" - Hank Williams)

Hey heyyyyyyy, pump seven

Befooooore you go to heaven

How's about comin' inside to pay

When you're duuuuuun?

"Git-r-dun!"

("Camp Granada" - Allan Sherman)

Hello pump 4

You're getting fuel

Come inside to pay

That'd be so cool

Thanks for choosing

To stop at KwikTrip*

Hope you're smiling and my singing doesn't make you sick

*Had to use the store's real name here to preserve the rhyme

("Folsom Prison Blues" - Johnny Cash)

You're there at pump eleven

Puttin' fuel inside your car

Thanks for choosing FastStop

That proves how smart you arrrrrre

Please come inside to pay

Before you travel too far

Yeah, you're buying gas at FastStop

And you should be a star

("Heartache Tonight" - Eagles)

I see you out there at pump ten

Gettin' gas today

Here's a piece of advice for you:

Come inside to pay

Or there will be a heartache tonight

A heartache tonight, I know

("You Are the Woman" - Firefall)

You are the person getting fuel at pump six

At FastStop today

And when you're through I'm sure that you'll come inside to pay

(Extended album cut:)

To drive away and steal all that gas

Well, that's just not your style

Especially after I been singing to you

Tryin' to make you smile

Oh!

You are the person getting fuel at pump six

At FastStop today

And when you're through I'm sure that you'll come inside to pay

P.S. To watch/hear me reading/singing this edition of Almost the Truth, CLICK HERE.

Beware of Falling Rocks: The 459th Greatest Song of All Time

 

It's going to be hard to write about this.

Here we are. We've come to number 459 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time. It's a song that is the name-source for one of the greatest rock-and-roll bands of all time AND the magazine the list appears in.

"Rollin' Stone" is a reworked version of an earlier song, "Catfish Blues," recorded in 1948 by none other than Muddy Waters.

How am I suppose to crack wise about a song with such a pedigree?

Maybe I can fumble around with the artist's name: Muddy Waters. Not to be confused with the former head of the Ohio Department of Transportation, Dusty Rhodes, or the long-time weather guy on Fort Wayne, Indiana's ABC affiliate, Jay Walker.

#TrueStory

Maybe I should chastise the lyricist for the second verse:

I went to my baby's house
and I sit down oh, on her steps.
She said, "Now, come on in now, Muddy.
You know, my husband just now left."

I suppose the minute I call Muddy's morals into question, someone will tell me he's singing about visiting his daughter's house, but waiting for the son-in-law to leave.

#YeahRight

Thesaurus-proof T Words

A tiny treat from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Tab (n)  -  Brand name for a diet soda that is one of the worst assaults upon the human sense of taste since Coca-Cola^® stopped using coke in their cola.

Table (n)  -  A piece of furniture designed for the accumulation of random piles of detritus

Tablecloth (n)  -  A piece of material designed to: 1) protect a table from being nicked or stained, or 2) hide a table's nicks and stains

Tablelands (clause)  -  What a table eventually does if it is thrown out a window

Tablespoon (n)  -  Utensil used when a table wants to have soup or oatmeal

Tablet (n)  -  Winnie the Pooh's small, pink friend when on a diet

Tabling (v)  -  In committee meetings, when participants choose to stop talking about a matter and just wear flamboyant jewelry instead.

TABOO (acronym)  -  Teasing And Bullying Obese Orcas

Tabulate (clause)  -  "We expected you earlier, Tab!"

Tyrant (n)  - The extravagant or violent declamation of a tyrannosaur

Observed Absurdities™ 48 - Hooray for Truth in Advertising

 

Working at a FastStop gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium keeps me on the cutting edge of new products for consumer consumption (PCC). Recently added to our shelves is a brand of healthy-ish snack bars called "RX Bars".

In trying to emphasize how down-to-earth and trustworthy they are, they have chosen NOT to give their bars catchy or cute names like "PowerSource" or "HealthStick". Instead, they simply list the ingredients on the front of the wrapper. 

I certainly hope that last item is accurate.