Open Mic Night in Gaza

The leader of my adult Bible study class generally is hoping to provoke thought, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't planning for me to be totally distracted with a single phrase from the story of Samson in Judges 14-16.

Most people are at least familiar with the story of Samson and Delilah and how she nagged her way into discovering why Samson was so stinkin' strong...which led to Samson being shaved, blinded, and put to work (grinding grain like an ox) by the oppressing enemies of Israel, the Philistines. 

The one phrase in the story that sidetracked my thoughts and kept me from hearing anything else the rest of the morning is found in Judges 16:25...

"While they were in high spirits, they shouted, 'Bring out Samson to entertain us.' So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them."

So...

What kind of act did Samson have?

"Hey! Thanks so much for inviting me here to your pagan worship. I understand you've really spruced up the place for the occasion. I can't really see any improvement, myself, but I'm okay with it.

"But seriously, there are some advantages to having your eyes gouged out. I mean, if the guy I share my cell with looks only half as bad as he smells, I'm okay with it.

"I'd like to sing a little ditty for you all. Billy Joel fans may recognize the tune...

"She's got looks that could kill

She's got words that entice

She wants to know secrets

She asks more than twice

Don't tell her the truth

Or you'll never be free

Yeah, she nags like a mule

But she's always Delilah to me

"Oh...she just yearns to know why

You can kill any beast

You are such a strong guy

Oh...yeah her body just rocks

But don't fall asleep

She'll be shaving your locks

"And she'll promise you more

Than the Garden of Eden

She'll let you play games

With those slave girls from Sweden

But she makes sure her face

Is the last that you'll see

She's sly as a fox

But she's always Delilah to me

"I don't know if Delilah is in the audience, but I want her to know that I'm not carrying a grudge about her shaving my head when I was asleep. It totally negated my audition for the touring company of Hair, but I've got this great gig grinding grain, so I'm okay with it.

"Grain grinding is the perfect job for me, too. Just chain me to the turnstile and watch me go. I'm like the Energizer water buffalo!  Stepping in the surprise packages left behind by the ox in front of me is a different experience, for sure, but it's a good aerobic workout, you know? I'm okay with it!

"That's all I've got! You've been a great audience! Now, if someone could direct me to the pillars that support this whole building, I need to rest against them...really, really rest."

Hey Kids! Let's All Do Drugs! (478th Greatest Song of All Time)

I'm pretty sure that almost everybody who has heard the song, "White Rabbit," by Jefferson Airplane realizes it liberally steals images from Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland and that it's about hallucinogenic drugs:

One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small ... Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar has given you the call ... And you've just had some kind of mushroom and your mind is moving low ... When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead ... Remember what the dormouse said, "Feed your head. Feed your head."

Grace Slick not only sang the song, but she also wrote it. During an interview, she gave the following explanation:

"Our parents read us stories like Peter Pan, Alice in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz. They all have a place where children get drugs and are able to fly or see an Emerald City or experience extraordinary animals and people.... And our parents are suddenly saying, 'Why are you taking drugs?' Well, hello!"

I read that quote and thought, "I don't remember any of those stories having scenes where the protagonist does drugs!" But then my symbolism sense started tingling and I thought of all the mushrooms and elixirs Alice ingested, and the poppies Dorothy enjoyed, and the pixie dust that Wendy and the boys got dusted with . . . Holy Shamoley! What were our parents thinking??!?

The Last Shall Be First and the Back Shall Be Front

I've been reminded of one of my Cincinnati Bible College professors and want to share three particular memories of him that keep him in a cozy, warm section of my heart.

       1)  His name was Sherwood Smith. He had a brother named Forrest. (Cool parents, right?)

       2)  He was poking fun at a verbal habit that many of the young coeds had gotten into: "What's all this 'heavens yes' I keep hearing on campus? 'Do you want to go get some Skyline Chili? Oh, heavens yes!' If it's okay to say heavens yes, why can't I say hell no?"

       3)  There was one time Professor Smith was late in getting to class. Some impish student got the bright idea for us to all turn our desks around and face the rear of the room. A couple minutes later, Sherwood walked in and, without missing a beat, picked up the small table-top lectern that held his notes, walked to the rear of the room, sat in a window well, and proceeded to teach the class...with all the folks who usually tried to snooze in the back now sitting on the front row.

Insert nostalgic sigh here.

A Collection of Counterfeit C Words

A compact chunk from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Caballeros (n)  -  The love of spherical toys from California

Cabbage (n)  -  Suitcases specifically designed to be used in taxis

Cackling (n)  -  A baby cack

Cahoots  (n)  -  Owls native to California

Calorie (n)  -  A truck manufactured in California but driven in Great Britain

Customer (v)  -  Speak in a vulgar manner to a mythical half-human/half-fish creature

Cyclic  (clause)  -  When someone infected with a communicable disease wipes their tongue across a surface

Cyclops (n)  -  The sounds made by a one-legged horse

Cylinder (n)  -  A person who has been trained on how to lind a cy

Czar (n)  -  1. Generic title of the emperors of ancient Rome; 2. Type of salad generally consisting of romaine lettuce, parmesan cheese, and awesome croutons

Some Clear-Eyed Goals for 2020

Before the end of the calendar year, I intend to:

• Eat Skyline Chili with more frequency
• Nap unapologetically
• Make my grandchildren laugh until milk comes through their noses
• Drink more water
• Water more drinks
• Bring a smile to Beloved's face at least once a day