An abbreviated assortment of entries from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.
Abandonees (n) - When Christian rock groups pray
Abase (n) - The first corner of a baseball diamond a successful batter must touch (followed by bbase and cbase)
Abbreviate (v) - To make one's stomach muscles smaller or tighter
Abdomen (n) - The alien-race antagonists in the 1953 motion picture, Flash Gordon and the Attack of the Abdomen
Abducting (n) - The act of wrapping the stomach muscles with gray tape
Abiding (n) - The sound of a bell that is attracted to either gender
Abiotrophy (n) - Literary award for a book about a person's life
Abolish (adj) - Kind of like abol
Antidote (v) - To bestow or express excessive disdain or dislike (usually followed by on or upon); "I'm surprised that dog stays around, the way they antidote on it."
In 1975, David Bowie killed off his Ziggy Stardust bit in favor of something he called "plastic soul", which resulted in the 481st greatest song of all time, "Young Americans".
I confess that I have never been a huge fan of Bowie. My knowledge base for him includes only five items:
1. The song, "Fame"
2. A Christmas duet with Bing Crosby
3. His appearance in the Jim Henson movie, Labyrinth
4. The song, "Space Oddity"
5. His duet video of "Dancing in the Streets" with Mick Jagger
And now there's this song, "Young Americans," which includes the following urgent inquiries:
- Do you remember your President Nixon?
- Do you remember the bills you have to pay?
- Ain't there a man who can say no more?
- Ain't there a woman I can sock on the jaw?
- Ain't there a child I can hold without judging?
- Ain't there a pen that will write before they die?
- Ain't you proud that you've still got faces?
It's amazing that anyone this confused and confusing could ever have invented such a famous knife.
I'm not as lively as I once was, and I've got technological proof.
You know those light switches that are motion-sensitive? You know what I mean. A company wants to save money on its electricity bill, so it installs these switches that turn off the lights in a room after a set amount of time of there being no activity in that room.
Well, my current place of employment has those in the restroom.
I just got back from a visit to said restroom wherein the lights turned off because of my stillness.
Three times.
Hey...isn't there a reason it's called a RESTroom?
A recent trip through the aisles of my local large grocery enterprise left me wondering about the quality of foodstuffs being stuffed into my piehole.
I was la-la-la-ing past the frozen foods when I looked up to see a sign that was trying its best to assure me of the high quality of the food Wild Harvest was offering for purchase:
My first thought: Has it come to this? Just like in politics, where it's not sufficient to expound on your own positive traits, but you've also got to make sure everyone understands your opponent's faults and failings - so it is (apparently) with groceries. Not satisfied to tell me all the good stuph included in the bags of frozen vegetables, now the Wild Harvest folks feel compelled to let me know what bad things are NOT included.
My second thought: This list of 140 bad things being referenced...is that an exhaustive list? I mean, are there only 140 "undesirable ingredients" in existence?
If so, I want to see this list. I know there are some very particular things that I particularly want to know there are no particles of in my food:
Snake Venom
Horse Sweat
Cow Cud
Cat Barf
Couch Cushion Detritus
Bloody Gauze
Asparagus
