Almost Definitions IV

Still more from The Almost the Truth Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean:


Oafish (clause)  -  Possible response to the question "O, what's that thing swimming in the water?"


Obligate (n)  -  The proper place to go through an oblifence


Orange (n)  -  The general area of the alphabet in which to find letters between N and P


Pace (n)  -  Someone really, really good at urinating


Palaces (pl n)  -  What your father ties his shoes on with


Quaking (n)  -  A patriarchal royal leader of ducks

Rehearsal (n)  -  Lazarus' second funeral

Riboflavine (adj)  -  Having the quality or qualities of the chest bone of a lav

Sabbath (n)  -  What is needed when a sab is dirty

Sacrifice (n)  -  Used to bring down the temperature of a sacrif

Seduce (v)  -  To visually notice the number two

Doula-icious

I may or may not have mentioned this before, but our youngest daughter, KayJay, is not only the mother of SweetCheeks, but she also is a doula.

"What the sam hill is a doula?" I hear you ask.

Officially, a doula is a person trained to provide advice, information, emotional support, and physical comfort to a mother before, during, and just after childbirth. It's really a good thing! Someone on the WorldWideWackfest named Susan Gilbert says, "Research shows that childbirth does go more smoothly with a doula: labor is 25 percent shorter, the need for epidural pain relief is 60 percent less and the Caesarean section rate is reduced by half." Officially, I highly recommend KayJay's calm, confident services.

Unofficially, a doula is part cheerleader, part bodyguard, part masseuse, part advocate, and judging by what I witnessed recently...part witchdoctor.

It was Grampa Dewey and SweetCheeks night, and we were watching several episodes of Beat Bugs in the basement while KayJay was at her second birth of the week. But before she left, she put the placenta from the first birth of the week in her oven to dehydrate.

You heard me right.

She sliced that thing up, laid the pieces on a cookie sheet...A COOKIE SHEET...and put it all in the oven so they would dry out so they could be pulverized so they could be put in little pill capsules so they could be ingested by the mother like organic, self-produced vitamins.

Okay, this is really a picture of mushrooms, but you get the idea

She may have shaken a rattle made from a dried gourd over the pieces before putting them in the oven. I've got no proof of that, but I'm pretty sure the ceremony involved chicken feathers and a semi-complex series of dance steps.

KayJay tells me that placenta pill-making isn't a normal part of the services she offers, and I can certainly see why...have I mentioned the smell that almost knocked me back down the basement stairs when we were done with the evening's entertainment?

I haven't?

Well, never mind. I don't even want to GO there.

Almost Definitions III

More from The Almost the Truth Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean:

Jabberwockies (pl n)  -  Handheld radios on which to mindlessly chatter

Jacket (n)  -  A small jack

Jargon (clause)  -  What Frankenstein's monster says when he can't find the peanut butter

Karate (n)  -  The amount of money one is charged for a ka

Keel (v)  -  Ven a pairsin takes anudder pairsin's life; murrdurr

Labradoodle (n)  -  An informal sketch of female foundation garments by someone from Southern California

Macabre (clause)  -  Notation in subject line denoting that the email concerns your mother's taxi

Macadamia (n)  -  The life, community, or world of studying Apple computers

Naive (adj)  -  Belonging o a paricular place by birh; a naive New Yorker

Nasal (adj) - Relating to a nasy; vuch av a warvhip or a battle at vea

Naseberry (n)  -  A small fruit with a taste similar to snot

Am I Blushing?

Contrary to popular myth, I do NOT know the words of every song released in the Seventies.

Evidence of this is the fact that I had no idea what song the following quatrain begins:

Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields

Sold in a market down in New Orleans

Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright

Hear him whip the women just around midnight

Okay, to be honest, if I had been told ahead of time that this was from a song, the phrase "just around midnight" probably would have been enough to tip me off that this is the first verse of "Brown Sugar", a 1971 hit by The Rolling Stones.

Also in an effort toward complete honesty, if I had given one moment of thought about the Real Meaning of "how come you taste so good" and other too-explicit-for-this-blog lines, I would have been too embarrassed to have even listened to this song, let alone wail away with it...

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Wooo!

It may be the 490th greatest song of all time, but my mom would have tanned my hide if she knew I liked it...liked the song, not having my hide tanned.