Observed Absurdities™ 40 - Control Yourselves, Men

Had a perfectly-lovely dinner with some usually-out-of-state visitors at a relatively-upscale dining establishment.

Had a slightly-exuberant laugh when I went to utilize the restroom and saw this on the door:

Why Are We Teaching Kids These Songs???

Whenever I visit my home church while vacationing in the summer, I always get to thinking about my growing up years. I can see that front row, filled with deacons and their huge ears. I can practically smell the hymnals. I can CERTAINLY smell the deacons.

This time around, I was reminded of the songs we used to sing in Sunday School: Jesus Loves Me, He's Got the Whole World in His Hands...

I was fairly shocked, though, when I recalled two particular songs that we used to sing all the time...and that seem to have no significance whatsoever.

Useless song number one: Zacchaeus Was a Wee Little Man

While it has a modicum of redeeming social value because it recounts a biblical story found in Luke 19, there is no moral to the story...no practical application for the young lives who are learning to call attention to a person's lack of height.

And it's not enough to say that Zacchaeus was little. No, no, no. He was a WEE little man! Like, hold up your thumb and forefinger about three inches apart. Teeny, tiny, dude. And that's all the song says about him, except that he climbed a sycamore tree that Jesus told him to get out of so they could all go to Zach's house.

No words of praise. No teaching from Jesus. Nothing but the beginning of a story. Well alrighty then.

Useless song number two: Deep and Wide

This was a big hit when I was little because it had fun motions and not a whole lot of words. But now that I'm a fairly mature adult, I positively don't understand why we ever sang it.

The whole thing is a metaphor...something preschoolers and elementary students aren't particularly well-known for understanding. Great googily-moogily, I know a truckload of adults that can't handle figurative language.

Deep and wide, deep and wide

There's a fountain flowing deep and wide

[And just in case you missed it the first time]

Deep and wide, deep and wide

There's a fountain flowing deep and wide

And then, we increase the uselessness by substituting words with hums!

Hmm and hmm, hmm and hmm

There's a hmm-hmm flowing hmm and hmm...

We were never told what the fountain represents or why it was a good thing that it was deep and wide...or really, now that I think about it, there was no reason for us to assume that this fountain flowing was a good thing at all. Maybe the whole song is meant as a lament.

Deep and wide (Nooooo!), deep and wide (Aaargh!)

Maybe Deep and Wide is what they sang on the ark to pass the time. All I know is, it kept us busy while the teenaged helpers were pouring out little piles of Cheerios® for us.

Cary Grant Is My New Hero

It's just a little thing.

One small quote. A trivial remembrance.

But it has opened my eyes to the true greatness of Cary Grant.

Apparently, Encyclopaedia Brittanica telegraphed the movie star to ask for a bit of information.

I'll let Mr. Grant himself finish the story:

The telegram read, 'How old Cary Grant?' And I telegraphed back, "Old Cary Grant fine. How you?"

I bow in the presence of greatness.

The Death of "No, Thank You"

Nobody says "No, thank you" anymore.

Okay, okay...that's an exaggeration for effect, but as my hours at FastStop increase, so does my awareness of the passing of simple civility and the exponential growth of declarative statements of self-worth.

Granted, in the routine at FastStop, there are a LOT of questions being asked:

• "Did you have fuel outside?" (I personally NEVER ask "Did you have gas?" There are some things I'd just rather not know.)
• "Would you like me to put these items in a bag?"
• "Do you need a lighter or some matches to go along with your physically and fiscally irresponsible purchase of cigarettes?"

And the answer that I invariably receive for these inquiries?

"I'm good."

Well...glad to hear it, but that doesn't tell me whether you need a bag.

"Would you like your receipt?"

"I'm good."

Considering the fact that Jesus said only God is good (Mark 10:18), I kind of doubt that. Besides, DO YOU WANT YOUR RECEIPT OR DON'T YOU???

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

I often feel like giving folks a taste of their own medicine.

"Could you put that in a bag?"

"I'm good."

"I need to use your restroom."

"I'm good."

The 499th Greatest Song of All Time

I know what you're thinking.

"Okay, I understand why Dewey wrote about the 500th greatest song of all time, according to Rolling Stone's 2004 list, but do you mean to tell me he's going to go through the whole list one by one?"

Well...that remains to be seen.

But what I'm going to say at this point is that I totally understand why The Boys Are Back in Town, by the Irish group Thin Lizzy, is so far down the list.

But first, let us consider the song's composer and the lead singer for Thin Lizzy, Phil Lynott:

Does this guy look Irish to you? Whether you answer yes or whether you answer no, you're only half right. His mother was Irish, but his dad was a Brazilian sailor. Now THAT story might have made a great song. Why he wasted his time with feigned excitement about a bunch of guys coming back to town in the late spring of 1976...

Guess who just got back today

Them wild-eyed boys that have been away

Haven't changed, had much to say

But man, I still think them cats are crazy

They were askin' if you were around
How you was, where you could be found

Told 'em you were livin' downtown

Drivin' all the old men crazy

So I guess this song is being sung to some female that lives downtown and is a sexual tease to the older gentlemen there? Or maybe she's actually doing some kind of gaslighting experiment on them. Either way, he just told a gang of rabble-rousers where to find her!

The boys are back in town

(The boys are back in town)

I said the boys are back in town

(The boys are back in town)

The boys are back in town
(The boys are back in town)

The boys are back in town

(The boys are back in town)

Yeah, we GET it already!

You know that chick that used to dance a lot

Every night she'd be on the floor, shakin' what she got

Man when I tell you she was cool she was red hot

I mean, she was steamin'

So, I'm assuming the female being sung this song is NOT Phil's girlfriend. Because if she was...well...the word "was" is absolutely appropriate.

And skipping to the final verse...

Friday night they'll be dressed to kill

Down at Dino's Bar 'n' Grill

The drink will flow and blood will spill

And if the boys wanna fight, you better let 'em

For the record, this is not my idea of a fun night on the town. If there's any chance of my blood being spilled, I think I'd rather hang around at home. Furthermore...the possibility of the drink flowing and blood spilling getting confused with each other TOTALLY makes me want to avoid Dino's, you know?

Vampirism is a turn-off for me...call me picky.