I am not a prophet, nor the son of a prophet. I barely even MAKE a profit, but I certainly do hope to see these headlines in a news source near you some time in the coming calendar year.
Paul & Ringo Tour with Sons of John & George as Beatles 2.0
Evangelicals No Longer Considered a Representation of Christianity
Fred Basset Stops Publishing and Apologizes for All the Wasted Ink
President Donald Trump Revealed as Long-Thought-Dead Performance Artist Andy Kaufman
Skyline Chili Opens Franchise in Southern Suburbs of Twin Cities
It's... That... Time of year, when the world watches the same movies for the umpteenth time.
But what if some unscrupulous modifier tweaked the titles of some of those over-watched classics? It's a Wonderful Lice - It's a lousy Christmas when Zuzu comes home from school with someone else's hat. Frankie the Snowman - Ol' Blue Eyes is back, but some miffed mobsters want to put him on ice for good. Rudolph the Reed-Nosed Reindeer - Olive, the other reindeer, laughs at poor Rudolph because he sounds like a clarinet when he breathes. A Christmas Stork - The protagonist wants to buy a Red Ryder BB gun, but is called away to deliver a baby to an obscure village in the Middle East. Homely Alone - An eight-year-old boy is left behind from his family's Christmas trip because he's just so darn ugly. Alf - A furry, alien life form travels from the North Pole to New York City in search of its biological father and a nice CLT...cat, lettuce, and tomato sandwich; where the cat is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe.
The Old Gray Mare Before Christmas - This sleigh ride just ain't what she used to be. National Lampoon's Christmas Vaccination - An unfortunate reaction to an ill-timed flu shot spoils a family's holiday celebration. White Supremacist Christmas - Some jokes just write themselves. The Molar Express - A Rankin/Bass production that creates a myth based on the popular song, "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth". The Santa Claws - Kris Kringle refuses to submit to his annual mani/pedi. Pie Hard - NYPD Detective John McClane tries to reconcile with his estranged wife by bringing dessert to her employer's Christmas party, but the dessert is stale. How the Grinch Smelled on Christmas - A special 4-D immersive experience. Not for the faint of nose. Mildly Amusing Incident on 34th Street - A temporary Macy's employee claims to be Howie Mandel. A Charlie Beige Christmas - The Peanuts gang goes to Phoenix for the holidays.
A Christmas Carrot - After a series of dreams, Ebeneezer Scrooge goes vegan. For the video version of this post, CLICK HERE.
In terms of geological epochs, it was not so very long ago that a good deal of my time on Netflix was spent watching episodes of the 1993-2004 Kelsey Grammer-starring sitcom, Frasier. My jaw nearly hit the floor when, somewhere mid Season 5, I finally noticed a picture hanging on Dr. Crane's fridge.
Was there any kind of hubbub about this at the time?
[Too lazy to read this? Watch ME read it below, or by clicking HERE.]
* * * * * * *
I was on assignment to get a salad from Subway for Beloved. I was uncharacteristically confident, as I had successfully completed identical assignments in the past. I know the saying is "Curiosity killed the cat," but I'm thinking maybe it should be "Confidence." The first bump in the road was walking into Subway and finding there were five people in line already. It is at times like that when you realize Subway should NOT be listed as "fast food". Seriously. What with people who have NO IDEA what kind of sandwich they want...even though they've been standing in line for a half hour...and Sandwich Artists who need to hear things three times before their brain sends any messages to their hands, five people in line in front of you translates to roughly 90 minutes before you're given a chance to repeat your order three times to the pimply-faced sloth that Corporate has entrusted a knife to.
Since I had some extra time, I started perusing the menu board and noticed something I had never seen before...
"Make any 6" sub a salad: $1.75 additional"
And I'm thinking to myself, "What the farnsworth? The only difference between a six-inch sub and a Subway salad is the absence of a bun and the presence of an extra handful of lettuce. If anything, a salad should cost LESS...unless, of course, a handful of lettuce costs twice what six inches of bread does." I whined about this on Facebook...no wait...I offered this up as a discussion topic on Facebook and one of my so-called friends suggested the upcharge was because of the extra labor involved in creating a salad. And it's true, the Sandwich Artist/Sloth (SAS) does take the time to manually chop the meat and cheese before tossing the lettuce and other pre-chopped veggies into a bowl. But does the SAS get paid more for doing it? Does Subway Corporate actually incur more expenses because of it? I. Think. Not. No. We all know the real reason for charging more is BECAUSE THEY CAN. The Powers That Be have conditioned the yearning masses to think that eating healthily will naturally cost more. It goes along with the whole warped and evil idea that we must suffer in order to deserve something good.
SUFFER
SOMETHING GOOD
Pay More
Better Health
Behave Properly
Heaven
Five Months of Minnesota Winter
Two weeks of perfectly warm days and cool evenings in September
Oh...and if we're still talking about eating healthily, let's not forget that most of it tastes like a dusty cardboard box somebody found in their grandmother's attic. Under a damp blanket from when the roof leaked. Or was that a squirrel that leaked?
