Twitterosity

I've been keeping busy burning up the Twitterverse with my lightening-quick wit and guffaw-inducing banter (please follow me, @deweyroth). Hold on tight for the following recap.

• “UberFacts: The Malay word for "water" is "air."” Kinda like naming a dog "Kitty"
• “Factsionary: A plant in Australia can kill U if U touch it. It’s called Dendrocnide moroides.” Makes me a little sick just pronouncing it
• “UberFacts: The character for Luke Skywalker was originally written as a girl.” George Lucas used to be a girl?!?!
• “Factsionary: 4oily skin, mash 1banana w/tsp of honey & 2 dropslemon juice. Apply 2face 4 10 minutes, rinse” but i don't WANT oily skin!
• “UberFacts: The United States is actually the serial killer capital of the world.” We're Number One! We're Number One!
• “UberFacts: Making intentionally offensive and menacing comments on Twitter is a crime.” that sounds like a threat to me
• “UberFacts: Snail’s venom is a non-addictive pain-killer 1000x stronger than Morphine” But it takes 3 days to kick in
• “Factsionary: Crocodiles have no lips and can hold their breath for an hour.” so if you want 2 hold your breath longer, cut off your lips
• “UberFacts: If you hold your car's remote to your head, it will extend the range.” of your remote, or of your head?
• “UberFacts: The average healthy human farts about 14 times a day.” Insert joke about your relative health here.
• “UberFacts: Smoking can cause your nipples to fall off.” Who CARES about tar-filled lungs? THIS will get folks to stop!
• “UberFacts: In the U.S, there are more cellphones actively being used than there are people” so what...are dogs texting each other now?
• “Factsionary: William Shakespeare died on his birthday.” So...wait...he was stillborn?
• “UberFacts: There are more germs crawling on your body right now than there are people in the US” maybe cuz I have 0 people crawling on me?
• “UberFacts: Mike Tyson caught his wife in bed with Brad Pitt in the 1980s.” & yet, Brad Pitt still lives??!?
• “UberFacts: You're more creative when you are tired.” Creative apparently is the same thing as slap-happy.
• “UberFacts: Betty White is older than sliced bread.” ...and also goes well with apple butter
• “Factsionary: 6-year-old boy from China was born w/15 fingers&16 toes. He had surgery to remove the extra digits.” He was born 6 yrs old?!?
• “UberFacts: A chicken named Mike lived for a year and a half without his head.” Also served as a U.S. Senator
• “UberFacts: Most cigarettes contain “ambergris” (whale vomit) for added flavor.” I can't imagine gagging whales 4 a living.
• “Factsionary: Men are more likely than women 2dream about sex” THERE'S a big su--that's an inCREDible--I'll probably DIE from that surprise!

• “Factsionary: Marilyn Monroe had six toes.” So? So do I...plus 4 more!
• “UberFacts: There is a lake named "Lake Disappointment" in Australia.” Sorry to hear that.
• “UberFacts: The average American consumes about 7 pounds of potato chips every year.” I had a great year last month.
• “UberFacts: Octopuses are very smart -- They can use their tentacles to unscrew the lid of a jar.” This is the standard for intelligence?
• “UberFacts: Studies have found that marijuana use does not actually lower the IQ of teens” nothin from nothin leaves nothing
• “UberFacts: About 86,000 people go to the ER after tripping over their cat or dog each year.” They do it each year? Wise UP, people!
• “UberFacts: There Rmore barrels of Bourbon in KY than there are people.” How many barrels of people ARE there in Kentucky?
• “UberFacts: Seals sleep with only half their brain at a time.” Welcome to my world...asleep...awake...whenever