Almost the News XI

Teacher Charged with Choking Students
It was decided that charging the choking students by themselves would be too lonely for them. You know, "misery loves company" and all that sort of thing.

Cows Put Down After Escape
The cows that had wandered away from their overturned truck on Interstate 90 were rounded up in quick order and treated to a tongue-lashing that would have made Don Rickles proud: "What's your problem, udder-face? Been eating your own pies? And seriously, this is not the season for leather."

Horse-Boarding Operation Gets OK
Oklahoma officials were shocked at the news today, and released this statement: "We don't really know what horse-boarding is, but it's bound to be WAY worse than waterboarding, and that certainly raised a stink."

Business Group Loses Director
"It was the strangest thing," says assistant director, Arnold Benedict, "he was sitting right there just a minute ago. We took a break to refill our coffee urn, and now nobody can find him."

Gophers' 14-Point Lead Disappears
"It was the strangest thing," says assistant coach, Jordan Michael, "it was sitting right there just a minute ago..."

Police and Military Sweep Tahir Square
...because, apparently, neatness counts.

Who Belongs on Met Council
...because, apparently, they need a pinball wizard or two to make those digit counters fall.

Four Middle-Schoolers Take Top Math Honors
...and they say they won't give them back until the lunchroom serves cherry pi.