Becoming Fine in 2009, Part Four

Almosting the list of "50 Ways to Improve Your Life in 2009," from U.S.News & World Report:

31. Study the life of a great leader. The specific "suggestion" from the bossy-pants editors is to commemorate the 200th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's birth (February 12, 2009) by reading some of the over 40 books either recently published or about to be printed. As much as I support the memory of Honest Abe, I'm still waiting for the commemoration of other great leaders like the guy who first came up with the revolutionary thought to squeeze that bag hanging between a cow's rear legs and drinking whatever came out. There's brave leadership for you.

32. Eat your own spinach. Eat my shorts.

33. Line dry your laundry. Mind your own business.

34. Switch to a push mower. Switch this!

35. Don't drive distracted. I'm sorry...what? Did you say something?

36. Help others and yourself. I'm at the point now with this list that I really can't bring myself to read the whole article, but contrary to how the headline reads, I doubt that they're actually recommending shoplifting as a means of self-improvement.

37. Swap paper for screens. "Reading online helps the planet because it reduces your carbon footprint." In addition to my general feeling of wanting to put a size 12 carbon footprint squarely across the seat of the pants of anyone who uses the phrase carbon footprint, I am positively in shock that a magazine...printed on paper and distributed by trucks...would actually publish this self-defeating piece of advice.

38. Spread tolerance. I can't stand intolerant people.

39. Buy laptops for kids. Don't you have to be at least 18 to go the the places where they do those personal dances?

40. Try to hypermile drive. Hypermiling is a blanket term for certain techniques used to get really, really good gas mileage: coasting whenever possible, turning off the engine instead of idling for over 30 seconds, attaching your winch to the rear bumper of a semi going your way...

The fifth and final fraction follows...