Friday, January 29, 2016

The Public NEEDS to Know This?

Needing all the help in the world to make sure I'm on the very cusp of popular culture and trendsetting trends, I'm normally grateful for the FaceBook feature that shows me what topics and news items people are searching for, clicking on, and drooling over.


There are times when I find it hard to trust FaceBook's accuracy.

Like last Friday, when this amazing list of headlines graced my News Feed:

Why is this a trending news item?!!? Are people really THAT enamored by Hillary Duff's hair color?

I mean...I didn't know people were even still caring about Hilary Duff's existence...

And why is there only one L in her name?

I need to go lay down.

Friday, January 22, 2016

You Bet Your Sweet Bippy!


January 22, 1968.

Forty-eight years ago today, on the National Broadcasting Company's network of television stations across the United States of America, a comic phenomenon was born.

I was pretending to do my 5th grade homework, but I was actually watching the premiere of Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In. It ended up running for six seasons, inspiring the subsequent creation of Saturday Night Live (SNL producer, Lorne Michaels, was a writer), birthing the careers of Goldie Hawn and Lily Tomlin (among others), and adding enough catch phrases to the American lexicon to choke a yellow-slicker-wearing tricycle-rider.

You bet your sweet bippy

Look that up in your Funk & Wagnall's

Here come da judge

The Flying Fickle Finger of Fate

Sock it to me

Verrrrrry interesting

The show did all those things, and made such an impact, and hardly anybody reading these words remembers, and man oh I older than dirt or what?

And that's the truth. Pbbbbt!

Friday, January 15, 2016

Don't Lick That! You Don't Know Where It's Been!

You know how when you put mustard on a sandwich, and there's always a little dab of mustard left on the squeeze spout, and you wipe it off with the tip of your finger, and you lick your finger clean?

I'm not the only one who does that, am I?

Anyway...because of a recent experience, let me give you some solid advice:

Before ever doing that again, double-check to make sure you just put mustard on a sandwich, and not dish soap on a frying pan.

Just sayin'...

Friday, January 8, 2016

Observed Absurdities™ 22 - The Amazing Invisible Coupon

I had an...interesting...encounter with a customer at JesusInc semi-recently.

A lady came into the bookstore, having heard about a 40% off coupon that comes with the download of the store's phone app. She wanted 40% off on something even though she didn't download the app...or even have a smart phone.

One of my co-workers explained to her that a person needs to actually have a coupon in order to use a coupon.

This did not satisfy DiscountLady. She wanted to talk to a supervisor. My co-worker handed DiscountLady over to me so I could explain to her that a person needs to actually have a coupon in order to use a coupon.

"The JesusInc store on the other side of The City said I could use the coupon." (I'm sure they did. And when they did, they must have meant that you could use the coupon on the item in question...if you had it. And if they implied that they would give you 40% off even without the coupon, they were...well...wrong. How can I enter a coupon code into the cash register for a coupon I can't see? However, I am able to give you 20% off your item, as a token of good will.)

This did not satisfy DisgruntledLady. She wanted to talk to the Store Manager. I handed DisgruntledLady over to the Store Manager so she could explain that a person needs to actually have a coupon in order to use a coupon.

Thirty minutes later.

That's right. I said thirty...minutes...later...DemonLady came up to the register, where the Store Manager rang up her her the 40% off she so wrongly felt she so rightly deserved.

After the Store Manager walked away and DemonLady was returning things to her purse, I said, "Well, I'm glad we were able to work something out for you."

"Yeah...after I pushed for it. You know, they used to say that the customer is always right. I thought this was a Christian store." (Well, ma'am, two things: First, although "the customer is always right" is a commonly-heard phrase from the middle of the past century, it is not, nor has it ever been, true. Second, yes, we sell Christian-themed books and gifts here at the store, so by all means, let's break rules and stiff the company and harass the employees.)


Friday, January 1, 2016

Headline Wish List - 2016

Words I'd love to see atop a column of text in the coming year:

  • Television Networks Decide to Stop Pushing the Envelope and Start Filling it With Something Entertaining Instead
  • Palestinians and Jews Double-Check Their Ancestry, Realize They're From the Same Family, and Have a Cookout
  • Free Popcorn With Every Movie Ticket
  • Political Advertisements Appear Only on Pay-Per-View
  • The Producers of Fred Basset Write a Public Apology and Cease Their Assault on Humor
  • Local Blogger Is Visited by the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol
  • "Just Kidding, Folks!" - Donald Trump Admits His Presidential Campaign Is Just a Gag
  • "Just Kidding, Folks!" - Hillary Clinton Admits Her Presidential Campaign Is Just a Gag
  • Mysterious Virus Wipes Out Superfluous Commas and Apostrophes. Grammar Police Celebrate With Group Hugs While Chanting "They're Their There."